Last week, I wrote the inaguaral Hero of the Moment post, featuring Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe, who had some harsh words for the four players holding up an agreement between the NFL and the NFLPA by making ludicrous demands to be compensated for putting their name on the anti-trust lawsuit against the NFL.
The next day, has-been (never was) ex-Denver Broncos tight-end Nate Jackson (who?) posted a caustic letter on Deadspin addressed to Kluwe, basically berating him for opening his mouth because he’s a punter and punters don’t matter (tell that to the head coach and see what reaction you get).
Kluwe then penned (typed?) his own letter, hilarious and sardonic, in response to Jackson’s ill-advised letter. And it is epic.
Kluwe totally owns Jackson in his response, and essentially makes Jackson his bitch. I encourage you to read the entire letter, but here are a couple of excerpts:
It was with some dismay that I read your piece in Deadspin and immediately tried to wrap my head around why a player with a reasonable grasp of the English language who made no measurable impact upon the game (i.e. you) would stoop so low as to berate a National Football League player who has actually completed a full 16-game season (multiple times!), has broken every team record at his position, and above all has contributed to his team winning games (and occasionally losing them [i.e. myself (I love parenthetical asides)]).
Boom, roasted. Here’s another:
Yes, I don’t run routes, or zone block, or cover receivers. Apparently, though, neither did you, which is the only explanation for your total lack of statistics.
In the words of Michael Kelso: Haha BURN!!
P.S. I respect all four of the people I called douchebags (Manning, Brees, Mankins, and Jackson). That’s why I used the word “douchebag” instead of “asshole” or “fuckwit.” Someone acting like a douchebag can still be redeemed; generally it’s a momentary lapse of judgment. There’s no hope for asshole fuckwits.
P.P.S. tl;dr — U mad bro?
I have no words. No words to describe how funny this is.
So, because if this letter, Chris Kluwe is my Hero of the Moment again. Also, and I never thought I would do this, I’m going to create a twitter account merely so I can follow him, as his tweets (God, I hate that word) are hilarious, too.
Thank you, Chris, for being so amusingly awesome. You have a fan here.