It has been a week since that fateful day, and I’ve yet to gain new employment. I have, however, thwarted an additional plot to mistreat another wretched soul from the tyrannical abuse of yet another fiendish jackhole. And managed to escape before the “authorities” arrived to apprehend me, the do-gooder. I fail to see how helping others in need is considered a criminal act, but if this is how the game will be played, the I shall abide by those rules. My work will remain anonymous, to protect myself from criminal charges – scoff – and/or civil liability suits. This clusterfuck we have masquerading as a legal system needs to be tossed into a garbage compactor, methinks, as justice is rarely served.
Presently, I am shopping at a local grocery store with a dual purpose. First and foremost is to obtain groceries. Afterall, a hero such as myself still requires sustenance. I am also keeping a keen eye on my surroundings, spying for any injustices that may be foisted upon my fellow customer service brethren.
And so it was that I found myself in the deli section of this somewhat dank and high-priced establishment – the name is purposefully left out to prevent any litigation - when I happened upon snobby, ill-fated buffoon needlessly berating an otherwise quite intimidated deli worker for the perceived crime of slicing her lunch meat too thick.
I could barely contain my rage at this terrible assault on my ears and eyes. Instead of politely asking for a more thinly sliced meat, this anger-control deprived maniac incessantly screamed at the poor, poor woman behind the counter doing her absolute best to provide service with a smile.
I had to act quickly. The poor deli worker was on the brink of tears and Two and a Half Men started in roughly 30 minutes. Time was of the essence.
I quickly searched for a weapon with which I could dispense justice. My weapon of choice came to me in the form of a 20lb butterball turkey, which to my delight was frozen and would therefore serve its intended purpose perfectly.
I picked up the turkey one-handed, then nearly fell over as the weight of it threw me off-balance. It appears I must find time to exercise if I’m to continue this noble endeavor. Undaunted, however, I picked up the turkey with both hands this time, then approached the offender with malice aforethought.
When I was but a foot away, I began to swing the turkey around my backside in preparation for my strike. The poor, poor deli worker had apparently deduced my intent, and her eyes enlarged to the size of dinner plates.
She opened her mouth and began to warn the offender. “Look out!” She stupidly exclaimed. Had I not been mid-strike I would have inquired of the poor deli worker why she didn’t understand the heroism of the act I was performing in her stead.
Instead of clobbering the vile offender upside the back of her head like I had intended, the forewarned offender had spun quickly around in lieu of the inexplicable warning she had received and was instead struck full-on in the nose with a 20lb butterball.
The crunch that escaped from her nasal cavities when the Turkey connected was decidedly sickening. Blood erupted from behind the turkey like a geyser. Her head snapped back, then the rest of her body followed suit. She fell into the deli case, then slowly slid down into a sitting position on the floor, where her shattered nose continued to bleed.
Satisfied that justice had been served, I turned to the deli worker and proudly exclaimed, “No need to thank me citizen. Just doing my job.”
The look of horror which had befallen the deli worker’s face befuddled me. Afterall, I had just rescued her from the clutches of an evil ne’er-do-well, and put an end to the oral assault of which she had just been the recipient.
Instead of thanking me, the deli worker inexplicably inquired, “What the hell do you do that for?”
Not quite understanding where things went wrong, I opened my mouth to answer her when a plangent cacophony arose from behind me.
I slowly rotated to face said cacophony and beheld a large crowd of shoppers and employees alike with their mouths wide-open with horror.
Realizing that I’ve obviously been misunderstood, I decided that it might be time to make an exit, lest I end up in jail once more. I broke out into a full sprint, and blasted through a set of doors with the words “Employees only ” illegibly painted upon them. I located a fire exit and made my escape through them as an alarm began to blare.
On top of the huge misunderstanding of my heroic deeds at the super market, I missed the first 10 minutes of Two and a Half Men. What an absolutely crummy day this has turned out to be.
I have resolved that in the future I must adorn some sort of mask whilst protecting the innocent, as they don’t seem to recognize when they are being protected. It truly is a pity, but I shall endure.
At least I can take solace in the fact that I have yet again foiled one who would abuse those who serve the public. A hard-learned lesson it was, for both myself and the perpetrator, but a lesson learned nonetheless.