A word to the wise: Always look before entrenching yourself upon the throne.
Armed with these wise words, I discovered this morning that some fellow pissed all over the toilet seat in the men’s room. Had I not looked, I would have been sitting in a puddle of piss. That would chapped my ass, both literally and figuratively.
Look, fellas, as a fellow man I know that it’s drilled into our heads from the time we’re potty-trained to leave the freakin’ toilet seat down. For some reason, it’s extremely hard work for a woman to look before she sits down to do her business. Seriously, guys, I know we don’t want to piss off our women, but that doesn’t mean you should be pissing on the toilet seat. Lift the damn thing up before you piss for Christ’s sake.
When I really gotta go, I don’t want to waste valuable time cleaning the damn seat while also trying to maintain my slightly inadequate penguin walk. I want to be able to walk in, sit down, and get right to work.
So hook me up, fellas. Lift, then pee. It’s a simple enough concept. Then, if you must because your other half demands it, put the seat back down. Blissfulness can then reign.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.