- The Punjab Province in Pakistan has told all of its 19,000 police officers that they must trim their waists down to at least 38″ or they will be looking for a new job after only a quarter of said 19,000 officers passed a fitness test. I’ve always wondered why we don’t have such a requirement state side. You ever see a really fat cop and wonder how he’s supposed to do his job if a criminal runs away? The cop surely isn’t going to catch anyone on foot.
- Some woman in Kansas City has been charged with locking her 10-year old daughter in a closet and not feeding her because she “makes a mess of herself.” If this turns out to be true they should throw that woman in a closet and refuse to let her out to eat or go to the bathroom to see how she likes it. It’s amazing to me that people can do this kind of stuff to their own children. If you didn’t want kids then close your legs or put them up for adoption.
- According to an Associated Press-GfK poll, 1-in-4 voters have not decided who to vote for this coming November. Well, it’s like this. Try deciding whether you’d like to die slowly from cancer while listening to Justin Bieber’s Baby on repeat or while AIDS methodically dismantles your immune system and you die from the common cold while forced to watch Jersey Shore repeats. That’s what it’s like trying to decide between Obama and Romney. Either one will kill you, you just have to figure out which one is less painful.
- Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek suffered a mild heart attack over the weekend, but appears to be fine. Trebek allegedly berated the doctors for not answering his questions in the form of, well, questions and decided to play “double jeopardy” by eating a double cheeseburger while in recovery. He said he was in his own “Final Jeopardy,” and that he’ll do whatever he damn well pleases. In all seriousness, though, I wish Trebek a full and speedy recovery. I love Jeopardy! and hope Trebek can resume his duties on the show.
- A 45-year old woman is suing a 13-year old boy because he accidentally hit her in the face with a baseball at a baseball game a couple of years ago. I have a couple of thoughts here:
- How can she sue a minor?
- It was a freakin’ accident woman. Calm the fuck down.
- The woman is seeking $500,000 in damages for “permanent injury she has suffered.” Look, bitch, I’ve been hit in the face with a baseball before. Yeah, it fractured my nose. I went to the ER and that was the end of it. Suing a child is not going to undo what was done. And I doubt an 11-year old can throw a baseball with enough velocity to cause permanent damage to your face.
- And we have another parent lamenting the fact that their child was punished for bad behavior while not acknowledging that said child is a detriment to society. Valerie Bruno (nice name) has filed a complaint against Judge Scott Johansen. For what, you ask? Well, because when Valerie’s daughter was brought before Judge Johansen for holding down a 3-year old and chopping off her hair and for harassing another kid over the phone Johansen offered to cut the community service sentence in half if Bruno cut her daughter’s hair off right there in the court room. And Bruno accepted the offer.
Bruno now believes she was bullied by the judge and should have consulted a lawyer before making her choice. Not once has she apologize for her daughter’s behavior or apologized to the two little girls her daughter bullied. Here is another teaching moment ignored by another inept parent. Instead of using this opportunity to teach her child something useful she’s bitching about her daughter’s punishment. What the hell is wrong with people?
- The Supreme Court has finally ruled on the Arizona Immigration law that cause such a ruckus last year. They kept the part of the law that allows officers to inquire about immigration status during routine police business, but struck down the rest. The consensus was that states cannot craft laws that undermine federal laws. Well, I guess a partial win is better than nothing.
- A poor, poor 18-month old girl had a fingertip bitten off by a family pet over the weekend. The father immediately suspected the family dog, a pit bull, but that was not the case. It was actually a piranha kept in the family aquarium. Great, so not only is a toddler around a breed of dog that’s known to snap for no apparent reason, but the child is also within reach of a freakin’ piranha. Can we get these folks a Parent of the Year award? Dolts.
- Is your infant keeping you up at odd hours in the night? Are the 2AM feedings ruining your social life? Follow in the footsteps of an enterprising young woman from Texas: sell it. That’s right. You can get rid of the headache of those late night feedings AND earn up to $4000 when you find that one
unsuspecting dopespecial person you know will be a great parent.