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My absence

As some of my more astute readers probably figured out from the last two poems I posted, I’ve had a bit a marriage trouble recently.  It started in August.  My wife and I had both been unhappy for quite some time and instead of doing things to rectify it, I just kind of ignored the problems.  My wife brought them up a few times, but I (for some reason) didn’t take her or our problems seriously.

We ended up having a huge three-day fight that ended with her telling me she no longer wanted to be married to me.  Instead of trying to change her mind, I angrily kicked her out of the house.  I was hurt and angry and not thinking clearly.  Given a chance to do it all over again I would definitely do almost everything differently.  BUT, in the midst of all of the hurt and pain I discovered why my wife was unhappy and what I was doing to contribute to that.  She was trying to tell me things I should have been listening to, but I instead found out the hard way.

The first thing, and biggest thing, was my irritability.  I was extremely short with her and my children.  All the time.  I didn’t realize it until reading through our IM history on Facebook (we communicate via Facebook while we’re both at work because I have no cell phone signal at work).  When reading through all the nastiness I spat at her I was amazed she didn’t leave me sooner.  I surely didn’t realize I was treating her that way and I have no idea why I did it or why I didn’t realize I was doing it.  I did, however, find out from a counselor I went to see and my primary care doctor that irritability is a symptom of depression.  I’m now on antidepressants and so far I’m a pretty different person.  I’ve noticed a difference and so have those that know me.  It’s a change for the better and I’m glad to have gotten this identified and corrected.  I don’t mind being an asshole when I need to be, but to be doing it unwittingly and to those I love is NOT who I want to be.

The second thing I was doing was not making time for us.  Time for us is scarce with three children, the youngest of which is a year and a half.  When we did have moments we could spend together I chose not to, instead doing things like blogging, playing video games, or just surfing the internet.  For some reason I don’t understand, doing those things were more important to me at the time than spending time with my wife.  I really have no explanation for it and don’t understand why I made the choices I made.  Often times my wife would ask me to go to bed with her and I would tell her I’d be up in a minute only to sit at the computer for another couple of hours before going upstairs.

My third failure was not being romantic.  At all.  I have never been much of a romantic in terms of flowers, cards, or poems and my wife knew that when she married me.  But somewhere along the line she decided she wanted those things.  She mentioned it once, but I brushed her off.  I’ve since realized that in the big scheme of things that going out of my way every once in a while to do something that shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that my heart belongs to her and no one else is really no big deal.  I can do flowers.  I can buy a card.  I can surprise her with a date every now and then.  Or even something else.  But for some reason I didn’t want to be bothered with it before.  I have no explanation.  Again.

When my wife first told me she didn’t want to be married to me any more I decided, in my anger, that I was done with everything.  If that’s how she felt then I didn’t want her around.  Any and all interactions with her were filled with venom and scorn.  I treated her with disrespect.  Then things changed.  The longer she was gone the more I realized that I missed her.  Then that I needed her.  That despite what I’d convince myself, I love her.

I saw clearly what I had done to make her feel the way she did.  I vowed to change and to fix things and to be the man she fell in love with again, but she wasn’t biting.  And I don’t blame her.  She ended up leaving.  And suddenly I was single again.  I was a part-time parent for yet another child.

During our separation we both did things we regret, but she realized that she still loved me and that I had indeed changed.  She eventually decided to find it in her heart to give our marriage another shot.  I thank her for that and I intend to prove to her that I can be the man she fell in love with and I want to keep on proving that to her until death do us part.

I love my wife dearly, and am just thankful that even though I fucked up I have another chance to show her how much I love her and how much I care for her.  She is my best friend and I’m still upset with myself that it took all this drama for me to realize it.  But I believe that we’ll make it through this and ultimately be a better couple for it.


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28 thoughts on “My absence

  1. Hang in there. It isn’t easy to put aside things said and done in anger, but if both are willing and love is still there, it can be done.


    Posted by southerndreamer | November 7, 2012, 2:53 pm
  2. I was wondering what happened to you all of a sudden.

    I’m glad for the sake of you, your wife, and your children that you have avoided divorce.


    Posted by Null | November 7, 2012, 2:53 pm
  3. In my book I am so pleased not only did you see what the issues were but addressed them medically, saying sorry to your lovely wife both in private and publically here on this blog. Well done. I know you both have a long road ahead I hope it all works out for you both :-D.

    I know it is not a thing that people would say well done for, but not many; male or female, admit when they have done something wrong. You have done that and began to sort it.

    Wishing you all the best to you and your lovely lady.


    Posted by foxy | November 7, 2012, 3:03 pm
  4. Dear TwinDaddy,

    I am so impressed with and proud of you for looking for the solution and grabbing hold of it with both hands. You put so much love into finding out the problems and beginning the repairs that I’m sure that you will succeed in repairing the damage.

    I’m glad you’re back. But only sometimes!


    Posted by Elyse | November 7, 2012, 3:29 pm
  5. Depression always effects the whole family and usually it’s the person with the depression that figures it out last.
    I’m glad that you are getting help and that your wife has come back and that you and your family are making your family well again.
    Missed you on here,,,,but remember to spend time with them!


    Posted by nikkix2 | November 7, 2012, 3:33 pm
  6. Twin brothers from different Mothers, you and I. I, too, suffer from depression (bipolar). It’s a bitch. Sharing your story may help someone else realize that they too,may need to seek medical attention. I know it’s tough sharing your situation with others, but you have done a great service not only to others, but yourself as well. Stay on your meds and fight the good fight. You done good. With admiration and best wishes, Toby.


    Posted by fearlessleaderofthedumbasshorde | November 7, 2012, 6:23 pm
  7. I can relate to all of this and then some. Recognizing and taking on the problem is the biggest step to healing. It sounds like you are both willing to dive into new beginnings, that my friend is half the battle. Best wishes to you both for renewed happiness.


    Posted by Life With The Top Down | November 7, 2012, 7:52 pm
  8. Depression meds are nice. I’ve been on them for quite a few years now and I haven’t murdered anybody since I started taking them, so I guess they’re working. I hope you and your wife the best. Despite our not seeing eye to eye on SOME things (we typically agree on most everything) you and I are a lot like one another. I’m sorry for that lol. Good luck to you and your wife, I hope it all works out for the best bud.


    Posted by beefybooyawn | November 12, 2012, 9:51 pm
  9. I wish I could say that I didn’t understand this, but unfortunately I do. Sigh. Been there, and as hard as it was to go through, we are a million times better on the other side, I think. It’s not easy. Ever. But it’s worth it. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to scratch his eyeballs out on occasion, it just means that I don’t, in fact, scratch his eyeballs out.


    Posted by GingerSnaap | January 12, 2013, 5:04 pm
  10. What a completely crappy time you have been having over there, no wonder you can’t sleep! Marraige is for better or for worse. That was some of the worst of it, but good on you both for getting through it. Depression is an illness. If you had diabetes and it caused you to be irritable how much blame would you apportion? This has to be the same. You can’t move forward carrying all this guilt. You’ve said sorry (kudos for that) been forgiven, it’s time to let go. You both need to move forward as equalss. Good luck with it and thank you for being brave enough to share with us. That must have been hard.


    Posted by stephrogers | February 16, 2013, 3:51 pm


  1. Pingback: Are you proud of me? | Stuphblog - February 15, 2013

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