Autobiography: Page 3
I accomplished a great many things as a youngster. I had a memorable childhood and many enjoyable times. I achieved many successes, and I’d like to take a moment to list some of my greatest awards:
Winner of the Great Pee Contest. My brothers and I competed in the Great Pee Contest. Yes, it was a pissing contest. The goal is to see who can urinate highest on the wall. I may have had a slight advantage since I was the oldest (and still am…weird) and, thus, bigger, but that doesn’t subtract from the pride I feel for winning this hard-fought contest. My stream reached so high the mirror needed to be taken down from the bathroom wall so that the wall could be cleaned.
My dad was pissed, though. I’m not sure why. You’re supposed to be proud when your child wins. Campbell Hausfeld was intrigued and wanted to copy my technological prowess for their new power washer line, but since I was a minor a deal couldn’t be reached.
Most Gruesome Injury. This is an award that I could honestly live without, but since I have it I display it with pride. When I was seven, my brothers and I were playing in the basement, where my dad had built us a huge toy box out of huge pieces of plywood. Unfortunately, when the gargantuan lid for this toy box was open it rested against the railing for the steps going upstairs. I happened to be retrieving a toy from said toy box as my youngest brother was heading up the stairs. Dragging his hand along the rail. His hand hit the lid and sent it careening down.
I saw the lid zeroing in on me, and quickly yanked my hand out from the toy box. The lid seemed to nick my left ring finger, so I brought my hand up so I could examine it, only to find the tip of my ring finger was missing. ER doctors were able to sew it back on, but it didn’t grow back properly and has looked fairly gruesome ever since.
Most Spectacular Bike Wreck. Ironically, I won this award the very first time I sat atop a bicycle. A friend convinced me to take his bike to the top of a hill and to ride it down. Not wanting to be a “chicken,” I mounted the bike and it began to roll. Down the sidewalk.
I’m not sure why my friend put me on the sidewalk. Maybe so I wouldn’t hit, or be hit by, a car. Maybe because he’s a cruel bastard. I’ll never know.
So there I was, steadily picking up speed while traversing the slim sidewalk down a steep hill. By the time I reached the bottom I was traveling at a pretty high rate of speed, and that’s when it happened.
A little girl had sat down to play on the sidewalk. Shit. Do I run into her or attempt to steer this runaway train off the tracks? I wisely (for that girl’s sake, anyhow) chose the latter. So I slowly veered left off the sidewalk and into a neighbor’s yard only to find a fire hydrant directly in my path. I was going too fast to avoid it. The bike struck the hydrant, at what I can only guess was between 20 and 30 miles per hour. The bike’s forward momentum halted. Mine didn’t.
I went flying across the yard. Somehow during my flight I flipped forward so that when I landed, I landed on my back. Luckily I was unhurt in the accident, but I laid there for some time trying to collect my thoughts and wondering why the hell I let myself get talked into doing something so fantastically stupid.
Most Dislocated Elbows in One Week. As a 2-year old, I had each elbow dislocated in the same week. As I was walking along one day, I started to lose my balance. My mother grabbed my hand and yanked on it in an attempt to keep me upright. Pop!
A week later, my babysitter was swinging my around by my arms. Not sure how it happened, but somehow my other elbow popped out of its socket.
Social services showed up at our house the next day. I have no idea why.
There were other dubious awards won during my childhood, but this is the most notable of them. My trophy room is full of nonsensical awards and ridiculous ribbons. I had a proud and wonderful childhood, and these was just some of the highlights. Next we will discuss why my parents are to blame for every flaw I possess, and how nothing bad I do is ever my fault.
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