Well, we made it. Against all odds. It’s the final day of 2012. It will be 2013 in a matter of hours.
Answer: It better fucking not be!
So now that the year is pretty much finished, let’s recap what we learned in 2012:
- 47% of Americans will vote for democrats no matter what so they can keep getting free shit from the government.
- Corporations are people, too. They have feelings, they love, and they hurt.
- Women now come in binders. We still don’t know what size binders, however.
- If you have a successful business, STFU. You didn’t build that.
- The WWE is so lowbrow that they’ll induct people like Mike Tyson into their Hall of Fame.
- Do not leave your wallet at the scene of the crime. You’ll get caught faster that way.
- Don’t fuck with the Muppets.
- In a hardly surprising development, people who give in to racism and prejudice may simply be dumb, according to this study.
- Donald Trump is an even bigger idiot than we all realized.
- Heavy users of Facebook have low-self esteem and suffer from “Facebook depression.” In completely unrelated news, I think I’m developing a condition known as “Holy shit! Public funding pays for studies like that?” Syndrome. It’s a condition in which the affected person has random urges to either commit suicide or go on a killing spree when confronted with societal stupidity. Perhaps that will be something we learn in 2013.
- A 28-year old Mexican lady received a transplanted heart that had fallen out of its coolerand rolled out into the street. Five second rule!!
- SOPA failed because the congressman and senators would no longer have access to porn.
- Rob Lowe should stick to being a horrible actor and try to leave NFL news reporting to the professionals.
- George Lucas has feelings. And when they get hurt by anonymous internet hacks insulting his work he will sell his company to another company that knows how to make better movies. See? Bitching on the internet makes things happen.
- Even Stephen Hawking can’t figure out women. I guess this just means we’ll never know.
- People are too stupid for democracy to work.
- The GOP think they have every right to regulate female genitalia.
- If you get pregnant from the result of rape, that’s exactly the way God planned it.
- If a celebrity (such as. ooooh, Whitney Houston) puts herself in a drug-induced coma and drowns in the tub people will feel sorry for her.
- It’s too expensive to construct an actual Death Star.
- Eating at the Heart Attack Grill can actually give you a heart attack.
- If you use birth control, you are a slut according to Rush Limbaugh. I guess he would be the supreme authority on what constitutes a slut and what doesn’t, eh?
- If you wear a hoodie, you are a “gansta,” and it automatically implies suspicious behavior.
- If you’re a lesbian, don’t expect to receive communion at your mother’s funeral. You know all you gay people are going to hell. Why would you even try?
- Kirk Cameron thinks that homosexuality is ”detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” It appears that poor old Kirk just can’t stand how irrelevant he’s become.
- Harold Camping, the moron who incorrectly predicted the end of the world twice last year, apologized for the error. He said it wasn’t a big deal anyway, since the world would be ending for sure on 12/21/2012. Oh, wait…
- If you leave your wife, change your name, and then marry another woman Facebook will out you.
- Rick Santorum promised to root out “obscene” pornography if elected president.
- The correct way to celebrate your video going viral is to masturbate in public.
- Mitt Romney’s politics are similar to an etch-a-sketch.
- Lying to a judge to get out of jury duty, and then calling a local radio station to brag about it is just dumb.
- Cocaine contributed to Whitney Houston’s death.
- 15,000 people will show up at a church just to hear Tim Tebow preach on Easter Sunday. If this isn’t a sad reflection on our society I don’t know what is.
- Drinking over 2 gallons of Coca-Cola a day will cause you do die of a heart attack at the young age of 30.
- The Sunlight Foundation has determined that Republicans sound dumber than Democrats. After listening to the likes of Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry, I have no choice but to agree.
- Bath salts create zombies.
- You can pee and play music at the same time.
- Justin Bieber is so talented that he can knock himself out by slamming his head into a glass wall.
- Texting and driving can result in a murder charge. Make sure you’re using your hands-free device in the car.
- It’s a sad day when there are two organizations protesting and the classier organization is the KKK. Stay classy, Westborough Baptist Church.
- You can deep fry Kool-Aid.
- 81% of men would date a porn star. The other 19% don’t want an STD.
- If you’re black and have a white fiancee…well, you’re not really black.
- If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body will not permit that to happen. This amazing discovery will lead to the elimination of rape.
Well, there you have it. We have become a much more intelligent species in the past year, as the above bullet points prove.
On a more serious note, I would like to thank all of you following me for, you know, following me and reading the crap I publish on an almost daily basis. I’d also like to thank those bloggers who offered words of encouragement when I shared my personal struggles, specifically Elyse, Nikki, and Life With the Top Down.
I’d like to wish you all a very happy and safe New Year.