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Thoughts from the Throne

Thoughts from the Throne: Butt Ban

Thoughts From the Throne

Thoughts From the Throne: I bestow upon thee my most productive thoughts while I…uh, well, you know. Try not to think about it while you’re wading deep in the exquisite pool of thoughts contained in these epic posts.

“A butt ban!” you’re most certainly thinking, “Has Twindaddy lost his mind?”

Yes I have, dearest reader, but that’s not relevant to this post.  Well, maybe it is.  Look, I’m not sure.  Whatever.

Moving on…

You see, I’m not thinking of anything so ludicrous as banning shapely, luscious butts.

Such as this. Niiiiice.

Neither am I thinking of banning leviathan, cellulite-laden butts.

Such as this. Holy Schnikey!!

No, my suggestion is far more sinister and just as implausible.

I’m suggesting we ban cigarette butts.


“What?!?!” I hear all of you buttpuffers scream out in unison as you throw Great Value™ popcorn at your computer screen.

Relax.   Believe it or not there is a reasonable explanation for this.  Well, depending on your point of view.

This morning as I was driving to work, the driver in front of me threw his cigarette butt out the window.  Sure, it looks neat for a moment when it’s dark.  Blazing tobacco ashes fluttering in the wind.  Then, just like that *snaps fingers*,  it’s over.  You drive over that still smoldering butt and you’re thinking, “Gee, I hope I don’t have a gas leak.”

Or am I the only one that thinks that?  You ever have this weird feeling that you’re leaving a trail of high-octane fluid behind you that’s just waiting to be ignited by some inconsiderate ass throwing his cigarette butt out of his car window?  No?  So it’s just me?  Well, that sucks.

Back on topic, which I believe was banning cigarette butts, it occurred to me that if this littering douchenozzle in front of me had a filterless cigarette he wouldn’t have a kindled cigarette butt to toss out of his window to ignite my phantom trail of fuel I’m not really leaking, plus he wouldn’t be leaving trash that will take hundreds of years to decompose on our roadways.

Think of the trees.

You’re killing them! Or something…

But Twindaddy, cigarettes contain poison and the filter helps to protect the smoker!

You think that any buttpuffer out there doesn’t know that his cigarettes are loaded with poisonous chemicals?  Hell, it says so right on the box and the idiot still lit up.  It’s that person’s individual choice to slowly kill himself.

But mother nature doesn’t get to choose what jackwagon dumps trash where.  The park ranger doesn’t choose to have a shitload of cigarette butts to clean up all the time.  The street sweeper doesn’t choose to pick up hundreds of carelessly discarded filters.  The city streets were not consulted before they were buried beneath a sea of poisonous butts.

Really people? You can’t put these in your ashtray and empty it occasionally? Lazy fucks.

Since the majority of buttpuffers choose not to use the fucking ashtray in their cars, I think the option to have filters should be taken away.  When you buttpuffers can be responsible with our ecology and stop littering, and endangering those of us with gas leaks (real or imaginary), then maybe you can have your butts back.

Until then, I say good riddance butts.


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About Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.


31 thoughts on “Thoughts from the Throne: Butt Ban

  1. Most of my cigearette buts go in the trash.
    Though I should really save them and do an art installation on the decline of civilization…


    Posted by El Guapo | January 4, 2013, 10:32 am
  2. I just hate these people who throw their cigarette butts out of the car window *frown*


    Posted by thehappyhugger | January 4, 2013, 10:39 am
  3. I completely agree. I was once one of those ButtPuffers, but I changed my ways about a year and a half ago. (Oh, and sorry if I almost blew you up at some time…..it won’t happen again.)


    Posted by Brother Jon | January 4, 2013, 10:53 am
  4. My husband smokes skinny cigars in HIS car. He uses the ashtray, and it is always to overflowing. Our son was recently in the car and saw this atrocity for the first time. He sent his dad a text: “Your ashtray is AWESOME man!”


    Posted by Maddie Cochere | January 4, 2013, 11:45 am
  5. You are not alone. I shudder to think what would happen should a still smouldering ass land in a puddle of flamable fluid right in front of my car.


    Posted by 1jaded1 | January 4, 2013, 11:47 am
  6. Everything about smoking disgusts me, especially the butts. Why do I need to walk among someone else’s filthy debris. Smokers don’t care if they ruin your air. They don’t care if they litter or start a fire.

    And I really hate the fact that on every single nice day when I drive with the windows open to enjoy the fresh air, there is an f’in’ smoker in front of me. Every single time.


    Posted by Elyse | January 4, 2013, 12:52 pm
  7. It’ll happen. Mark my words, it’ll happen. Then we won’t be talking about gun control. We’ll be talking about butt control.


    Posted by twindaddy | January 4, 2013, 1:33 pm
  8. Your gonna get beat up Twinn by a bunch of Homeless Butt Smoker’s just saying…..


    Posted by nikkix2 | January 4, 2013, 4:00 pm
  9. This is my hubby’s biggest peeve, well one of them anyway. He had someone in front of him empty the entire ashtray onto the street at a traffic light. It’s a miracle he lived to tell me the story! I think I was more surprised that the person actually used the ashtray.


    Posted by Life With The Top Down | January 4, 2013, 7:40 pm
  10. I agree with the sentiment. I’m still picturing that outfit on the throne. I’m having trouble getting that out of my head…..


    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | January 15, 2013, 1:00 pm
  11. I guess I’m the enemy here. And I shall continue to be.


    Posted by beefybooyawn | January 20, 2013, 6:35 am

We don't tolerate scum.

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