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Blunt Life Coach

The Return of Blunt Life Coach™

It is time.  The moment has arrived.  The most anticipated event since the last most anticipated event is finally here.  Yes, dearest reader, it is the return of Blunt Life Coach™.

It's ME, bitches!

It’s ME, bitches!

Blunt Life Coach™ speaks:  I would like to thank all of Stuphblog’s Unshitty™ followers who submitted your questions for me to answer.  Your response to my plight was most welcome.  I could have kept stealing questions from Dear Abby, but really, fuck that bitch.

I will attempt to address 3 questions per post, in order to keep a ready supply of questions for the life coach (that’s me, by the way) to answer for days that Twindaddy can’t think of anything else to write.

For this newest edition of Blunt Life Coach™, I will attempt to address some of the more serious questions that were sent in since those people might actually be looking for real answers.  If so, sorry for the delay.  Twindaddy moved over the weekend and didn’t have time to post this then.  For those not looking for answers…fuck you.  You need my advice more than you know.  Assholes.

And now, without further ado (why is there never enough ado?) here are this week’s questions:

Dearest Blunt Life Coach,

I recently left a job that I didn’t hate for a job that I’d work for free if I won the big lottery. A coworker in my new department applied for my old job. The problem is that his new boss will be a backstabbing credit hog who can’t admit when she is wrong and will try to push the blame onto you.

I told this coworker all about my old position and how the work didn’t suck. Not wanting to advise him of how his new boss would be, I asked him if he would like the 7 hrs of his life he’d have after the 14 hr days and 3 hr commute he’d have each day. He currently has a 10 minute commute and 8 hr day. He replied in politically correct terms that it was all about the money honey.

I’m torn. Did I do enough to divert him away? I would hate it if the roles were reversed and he knew what a spawn she was but didn’t tell me. I’m jaded so her Shit didn’t bother me…I really did leave for the perfect job.

Thanks, Jaded One.

Dearest Jaded One,

This really depends on your feelings for this coworker. If you like this coworker and don’t really want him to be working for an evil, diva-like, backstabbing, bitch-goddess, credit hog, then you should probably tell him so he can make an informed decision.  He, much like you, may be jaded and won’t let her shit bother him.  If, on the other hand, he takes this position and can’t stand working for a fucking Nazi he’s going to wonder why the hell you didn’t tell him about that bitch, as well he should.

If, however, you don’t really care for this person do not attempt to dissuade him at all and revel in his misery.  When he comes to you and bitches about what an evil cunt she is, just reply, “Really? She was always nice to me.”  Then he’ll think that he’s really fucking things up and that she hates only him.  And that will add to his misery in addition to your enjoyment.

You’re welcome.

Well, damn. Knowing that I’m going to get a snarky, “get over it!” response really speed-bumps asking a serious question, but I’ll try:

My contract ends in 3 weeks for a job I have really mixed feelings about. They’ve asked me to return in March (after my vacation in America), but I can’t decide. It’s either spend $600 (plane ticket) to get myself back here or go hang out with a friend in Peru (I’ve never been.)

It’s not the most dire problem in the world, but I still can’t decide. I’ll do
whatever you say.

Love, ohiasia

Ohiasia, let’s get one thing straight:  divas are snarky and Blunt Life Coach™ is merely, well, blunt.  And is certainly no diva.  And the insinuation that I can’t offer useful advice is insulting and has earned you a nice big…

Fuck you.

Hopefully I don’t need to coach you on what this means.

Even though I’ve been maligned and insulted, I will answer your question.  The next time I may not be so forgiving, though.  You best be on your, uh, best behaviour.

There’s still quite a bit of ambiguity in your question.  What mixed feelings do you have?  What would you be doing in Peru besides simply “hanging out?”  Is exploring the earth more important to you than returning to a job you’re not so necessarily thrilled about?  What other responsibilities do you have?  Are you married?  Do you have children?  It seems the so-called speed-bumps still reside with you.

Since I can only assume, I will assume that you’re not all that crazy about the job and that you have no immediate family (husband, children) to care for.  If that’s the case, I say take your snarky ass to Peru and “hang out” (Girls Gone Wild, bitches!) with your friend.  Surely you can find work there to feed your meager bank account.

Twindaddy never collected his prize for winning the Mad Lib Contest. Does he not like the prize? If so, hurty. If not, WTF? How does a fish get someone to take their damn prize already?  Goldfish.

Goldfish, first of all, I congratulate you for calling him out on his own blog.  Good form.  Good form, indeed.  What a jackass.

Secondly, please excuse Twindaddy.  He’s a narcissistic ass who fancies himself a real stormtrooper when the truth is that he flunked out of the academy.  He also has been extremely busy with his blog, working (yeah, that’s what he says anyhow), moving and trying to make time for his family.  In short, he totally forgot about it like the ignorant ass that he is.

He says that if you choose which prize you would like for him to collect, he will humbly accept that prize and apologize for forgetting about it.  I should also let you know that he said this all under duress, as my blaster muzzle is resting perfectly against his smug cheek.  He’s crying like a bitch.  I hope that made you smile.  Nevertheless, he will hold up his end of the bargain or I’ll kick his ass.

Do you have a question for Blunt Life Coach™?  If so, submit it below!

Like Blunt Life Coach™?  Check out his other stuph here!

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About Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

Discussion

60 thoughts on “The Return of Blunt Life Coach™

  1. Well, that was worth waiting for. You really are the fucking master!

    Like this

    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | January 15, 2013, 3:11 pm
  2. Hey, Fish, I’ll take his prize.

    Alice

    Like this

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | January 15, 2013, 3:36 pm
  3. The first response is just perfect!

    Like this

    Posted by Life With The Top Down | January 15, 2013, 4:12 pm
  4. Know I know just what to do when life hands me lemons.

    Like this

    Posted by Edward Hotspur | January 15, 2013, 6:40 pm
  5. Good for Goldfish!

    Like this

    Posted by Melanie | January 15, 2013, 7:29 pm
  6. I just stumbled on this blog today and I have to say it is absolutely hilarious. Much better than Dear Abby! I will return :)

    Like this

    Posted by cestlavie22 | January 15, 2013, 8:16 pm
  7. This is my first time reading it and I fucking LOVE it!! :D can we still submit questions?

    Like this

    Posted by vyvacious | January 15, 2013, 9:27 pm
  8. Thank you! Your response brought clarity around what I need to do. *Bows to your greatness*.

    Like this

    Posted by 1jaded1 | January 15, 2013, 9:59 pm
  9. This is good. Really, really good. You’re like Dear Abby, but with a drinking problem.

    Like this

    Posted by Jen and Tonic | January 15, 2013, 11:10 pm
  10. You are so wise, Blunt Life Coach. All hail the BLC!

    Like this

    Posted by MissFourEyes | January 16, 2013, 12:16 am
  11. Dear BLC™,
    Thanks for getting Twindaddy to respond. Really, it’s alright if he doesn’t want the prize. It was a lame prize to begin with, but I never heard any more about it, so I thought I’d check. The prize is transferable, so It’s alright to pass it on to someone else if he would prefer. :)

    Like this

    Posted by goldfish | January 16, 2013, 1:30 pm
  12. Blunt Life Coach RULES!

    Like this

    Posted by beefybooyawn | February 1, 2013, 9:53 pm

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: The Prize « Fish Of Gold - January 21, 2013

  2. Pingback: Guest Post: Fish of Gold | Stuphblog - January 27, 2013

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