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Things I Should Not Be Subjected To

Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: SpongeBob SquarePants

Okay, I’m done with the unfunny today.  We’ve had a romantic post. Awww.  We’ve had a serious post. Cut it out, Daily Post!  Now it’s time for some good ol’ ranting and bitching.  And maybe a dash of humor.  I hope.

Baby C is a funny, yet sometimes weird little creature.  Much like his maternal grandfather, he loves to have the television on.  He doesn’t necessarily watch it, but he enjoys the background noise I guess.

So when I came home from work one day last week, the television was tuned to the Cartoon Network.  And SpongeBob SquarePants was on.  What a horrible show that is.

In addition to being severely unfunny, it’s idiotic and nonsensical, too.  For instance, he lives in a pineapple under the sea, right?  Under the sea!  So how on earth do things catch on fire when they’re saturated with water, which, last I checked, is decidedly inflammable.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

So the particular episode that was on that day had Plankton in love with some sort of computer.  Or maybe the computer was in love with him.  I really wasn’t paying that close attention.  The important thing here is that Plankton broke this computer’s heart.

A genuine heartbreaker.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Twindaddy, computer’s don’t have hearts!”  Tis true, but this particular computer was an artificial intelligence, so I guess it had a virtual heart.  Or something.  It’s beside the point anyway.  The point is, the computer started crying.  Literally.  Not only was this pansy-ass computer wailing like a bitch, but tears were actually flying out of the eyes of this machine.  Eyes which were displayed on a CRT monitor screen.

Tears don’t come out of this. They may be cried upon it, but they don’t originate here.

There are a multitude of problems with this. First, CRT monitors are incapable of producing tears.  But Twindaddy, it’s just an animated show!!  Lighten up!  You’re right.  Let’s move on.

SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob StupidPants

Next on the problem list is that they’re still under water.  If you cry underwater you’re not going to see the actual tears because they’ll immediately blend into the water upon being shed.  Imagine, if you will, water coming out of a hose.  You see the water, right?  Of course you do.  You’re not blind.  But now imagine that the hose is under water.  Do you see water coming out of the hose now?  What?  You don’t?  How peculiar.  Wait, no it isn’t.  You don’t see it because it’s water going into water.  Duh.

Well stated, Bob.

But Twindaddy, they have to show the tears to help accentuate the fact that he’s crying.  And it’s just a friggin’ show!  Okay, fine.  BUT, the tears which the ginormous CRT head cried soaked the computer/torso below it and shorted it out.  Then it started smoking, and I’m not referring to a cigarette.  This is idiotic for two reasons.  One, the computer is already under the sea, and therefore, already soaked with water.  How did the tears short out this inane piece of electronics and not the sea water?  The second?  Well, do you ever short out when you cry?  Obviously if you’re crying your body produced the tears.  You’re body doesn’t make anything that is harmful to itself.  Except for methane.  You shouldn’t inhale methane, but if you can have your sniffer right next to your ass when you fart you’ve got more problems than methane inhalation to worry about.

To sum this all perfectly up, this show is stupid and nonsensical beyond reason.  As such, I should never be subjected to this absurdity, willingly or no.  I find it unfathomable that anyone even likes this show.  What a horrible, horrible program.

Do you like this horrid show, dear reader?  If so, why?  And shame on you.

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138 thoughts on “Things I Should Not Be Subjected To: SpongeBob SquarePants

  1. It makes about as much sense as anything else in the world.


    Posted by Edward Hotspur | January 21, 2013, 3:29 pm
  2. Way funny, thanks for the laugh/cry. You saw that Shit and your brain cells didn’t commit a revolution? You are indeed the master.

    Wow, another thank God I don’t have a tv moment. I’ve never seen the show bc some things I refuse to do.


    Posted by 1jaded1 | January 21, 2013, 3:40 pm
  3. Maybe they are reacting pure sodium with the water to produce the fire?


    Posted by Null | January 21, 2013, 3:42 pm
  4. Reblogged this on cftc10.


    Posted by cftc10 | January 21, 2013, 4:18 pm
  5. Uh, hey. I have seen you around on some of my favorite people’s blogs… Hotspur, Cheeky Diva… that is you, right? I don’t know why I haven’t stumbled upon one of your posts before now. This was awesome. I am so glad to know that someone is out there over-thinking things for me, because I tend to not do that. I am so good at under-thinking that I can go for weeks without doing any thinking at all. So keep up the good work. I feel safer.


    Posted by pouringmyartout | January 21, 2013, 5:08 pm
  6. Now I’m really glad I’ve never been subjected to this stupid show.


    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | January 21, 2013, 5:19 pm
  7. This is what concept development of Spongebob looked like.
    “Yo dude, I reckon I could write a cartoon about anything and people will watch it.”
    “Can so too!”


    Posted by fortyoneteen | January 21, 2013, 5:23 pm
  8. Unfortunately my grandson loves the show and I am forced to watch it with him when he is here. I find it insanely stupid and silly. On the good side, my grandson lives a 6 hour drive away, so I’m only forced to watch it 5 to 6 times a year. I can stomach that just to get to see my grandson. Someday he will outgrow his obsession with Sponge Bob, I hope!


    Posted by dmauldin53 | January 21, 2013, 5:32 pm
  9. The worst thing about dumbbob square pants is how the stupid song gets stuck in my head for days. My kids are watching The Amazing Adventures of Gumball. Now there’s another example of kid show crazy. It’s got some funny bits the first time you watch each ep, but by tenth viewing the jokes just die. But really a rabbit married to a cat? With one cat kid, one rabbit kid and one giant pet goldfish that doesn’t need water. On today’s torture a giant T-Rex called Tina (that they go to school with. Yep.) steals a toy from the bunny kid and they have to get it back. Total insanity.


    Posted by stephrogers | January 21, 2013, 5:37 pm
  10. There is probably one other show that I would match to this level of mind numbing, lower-your-IQ type, and that is ‘Honey Boo Boo’. I refuse to watch that show too. Just the commercials are enough for me to not be able to stand it.


    Posted by CodeForConfession [Kristen] | January 21, 2013, 5:51 pm
  11. Whew, I thought there was something wrong with me for not getting the Sponge ‘humor’. There’s an entire hunk of my family that adores that cartoon. They watch it in their Spongebob yellow playroom. Gah!


    Posted by happyzinny | January 21, 2013, 9:10 pm
  12. This is one of 1,000,000 reasons I won’t be having children


    Posted by Jen and Tonic | January 22, 2013, 12:33 am
  13. How can you say that about SpongeBob? SpongeBob is brilliant! He can cook under water, with a grill and everything. A sponge COOKS, that is amazing!
    Or maybe my mind is messed up with too much Bob the Builder and Dora the get-there-already Explorer from babysitting my niece. Spongebob is preferable.
    Also Plankton and his computer are adorable. They’re in love. She’s his SO, his wife.
    ….. Clearly I need help.


    Posted by MissFourEyes | January 22, 2013, 12:34 am
  14. I actually despise this show… Thank you for sharing my sentiments.

    Also, I loved your captions to all the photos.


    Posted by vyvacious | January 22, 2013, 3:14 am
  15. I’ve never seen the appeal of Spongebob. I like cartoons, but this one does nothing for me. I even tried watching it under the influence once, and still nothing.


    Posted by The Cutter | January 22, 2013, 11:18 am
  16. I somehow just came upon this post, but I am completely ecstatic. I thought I was the only one that didn’t get SpongeBob? Truly, I have never understood this show and my kids would validate this. Turn that whiny little bastard off. Stupid shit that rots the brain.


    Posted by Pocahontas | November 3, 2013, 9:29 am

We don't tolerate scum.

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