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Blunt Life Coach

Blunt Life Coach™: 2/2/2013

It’s that special time of week when I let Blunt Life Coach™ take the reigns and answer your well-conceived questions.  Or horribly abnormal questions.  Even though he’s made a couple of appearances in the last week, including giving my eulogy, the questions don’t get answered without him. So without further ado (I need to find out how to get more ado), I present to you…Blunt Life Coach™!

Blunt Life Coach

It’s me, bitches!

Blunt Life Coach™ speaks:  Good morning, tools.  It’s time for me to bequeath my knowledge to those who lack it.  It’s a trying task, but somebody’s got to do it.  Let’s not waste any time, and we’ll get right to the questions.

Blunt Life Coach,
Is the Hokey Pokey really what it’s all about?
Adam S

Adam, what kind of fucking question is this?  Are you a grown man?  Why are we even talking about the Hokey Pokey?  There’s only one thing you should be poking, and I won’t mention it here.  You wanna know what it’s all about?  Money, boos, and women.  And the occasional joint followed by some late-night Whitecastles.  Quit wasting my time now.

For the last week, my cat has gotten it into his head to meow really loudly at the wall. The problem is, other than it being generally annoying, is that he does it in a location and volume where the people in the apartment next door undoubtedly hear it too. At 3am in the morning. I want to apologize, but I don’t want to bring up an issue if maybe they don’t even sleep in that room. I also have no solution– I’ve tried everything in my cat-training-repertoire to make him stop, to no avail. For all I know it’ll stop on it’s own. Plus, I’ve never even met my neighbors. It’s an awkward situation, because I really want them to know I’m sorry… but without a solution, that sort of apology feels empty and awkward. Should I just slip a “I’m sorry my cat is keeping you up, probably.” note under the door when they’re out?

Rara, this is a tricky one.  I’m definitely no cat expert so about the only thing I can think of to suggest for you in that regard is to either slip some Tylenol PM into the cat’s dinner or get it some tranquilizers that will keep it asleep through the night.

As to the neighbors…no blood no foul, right?  If they aren’t bitching about it I wouldnt’ bring it up.  What if you bring it up and they don’t even hear the cat?  What might they think then?  Not that you should care what they think, but you get my point.  If they broach the subject, apologize.  If not, don’t worry about it.

Is there a humane method to remove the Kardashians from the planet? Should Americans go ahead and start eating puppies to prepare for the inevitability of China taking over? Can a Pay-Per-View event be arranged pitting Rush Limbaugh vs. Pat Robertson vs. Rosie O’Donnell in a game of Strip-Twister?

Duh”merica, I’m no math expert, but…wait, yes I am.  That’s three questions.  I’d charge you for the extra two, but since this is a free service it’s pointless.

On to your questions.  Yes there is a way to humanely remove the Kardashians.  Use a rocket launcher or anything short of a nuclear weapon, really.  Just like there’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s, there’s no wrong way to kill a Kardasian.

No we should not start eating puppies.  What the fuck?  China won’t be taking over.  Nuclear winter will occur before that does.

And finally, what the hell is wrong with you?  Who on earth would want to see any of those idiots naked?  Let alone playing Twister in the nude?  You, sir, need to seek professional help for whatever is wrong with you, which appears to be debilitating.

Last night when I was at our local Dollar Store I found myself standing in a very long line. Now, I’m not a complainer and I don’t mind waiting my turn. However, there was only one person at the register. The other “worker” walked by us all and shouted “I HAVE 5 MINUTES LEFT ON MY BREAK.” I was thinking “ok, who fucking cares whatever” Now the line is getting even longer, the poor sap on the register was acting like employee of the year trudging along when all of a sudden the other “worker” walks past again to announce “I HAVE 3 MINUTES LEFT I’M GONNA GO SMOKE” I was thinking “Seriously?” Now, my question is, as a customer (who is suppose to always be right) what would be an appropriate reaction to the blatant behavior of this “worker?”
Disgruntled for a Dollar

Disgruntled, legally there’s nothing the Dollar Store can do in that regard.  They are legally required to give breaks to their employees, whether or not they deserve them.  And it sounds like this bitch didn’t deserve it.

It seems to me that the appropriate thing to do would have been to step out of line and wait the additional three minutes for this moron to smoke his or her carcinogen-laced stick-o-death, and ensure you’re the first in his or her line when he or she opens a register.  During those three minutes sabotage the UPC on every product you’re going to purchase.   When this cashier attempts to check you out, he or she will have to do a price check for every item, since now they don’t scan.  Then, to further aggravate this imbecile, argue the price of every item you’re going to purchase.  Then eventually get fed up, throw all the products around, and then leave without buying anything.

Fuck that fucker.  That’s what the person should get for traipsing around and rubbing it in that he or she doesn’t have to help you because of break.

Why is that my father is trying to kill me if I don’t join him, and I keep finding my sister hot?

Oh wait that’s not my problem…

Why is it my fellow coworkers do not listen when I say I’ll destroy them if they keep talking, and get upset when I try to? I did warn them.
Not Quite Alice

Alice, I was really starting to like you until I read that opening sentence.  Inbreeding is no laughing matter.  Don’t you know that’s how rednecks are made?  Damn.

Anyhow, on to your real question.  Look, if you tell your coworkers beforehand that you’ll destroy them and they fail to heed that warning then there’s really only one thing you can do.  Destroy them.  Who gives a shit if they’re upset?  You’re about to destroy them.  They were told what the consequences of their actions would be and they should get what’s coming to them.  And I must say I like the way you think.  I know someone who needs to be destroyed myself.  Here’s a picture of him…


Isn’t he a pansy? You should destroy him while you’re at it.

Do you have a question for Blunt Life Coach™?  If so, submit it below!

Like Blunt Life Coach™?  Check out his other stuph here!


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41 thoughts on “Blunt Life Coach™: 2/2/2013

  1. No blood, no foul, haha… I’m not sure that’s how that expression goes exactly, but I like your variation better. :D Thanks for the advice, Coach!


    Posted by rarasaur | February 2, 2013, 3:25 am
  2. Oh have I’ve missed your (serious) humour. ;)


    Posted by sarahneeve | February 2, 2013, 6:55 am
  3. Hahaha! I was focusing on the fact that the “stick-o-death” would speed up the process of her demise.


    Posted by Life With The Top Down | February 2, 2013, 7:34 am
  4. Haha! The Dollar Store advice was the best! I need to try that sometime


    Posted by MissFourEyes | February 2, 2013, 8:51 am
  5. Tough, no-nonsense advice backed up by futuristic weaponry is hard to come by! Thanks for being there for us, Blunt Life Coach!


    Posted by happyzinny | February 2, 2013, 9:02 am
  6. I agree with Miss Four Eyes, the dollar store bit was great. I’m actually surprised the other customers in line didn’t just jump the idiot.


    Posted by aliceatwonderland | February 2, 2013, 9:12 am
  7. Ah, Blunt Life Coach….you do have great words of wisdom!!


    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | February 2, 2013, 9:56 am
  8. Hey thanks, Coach – now, are we talkin alcohol or paranormal activity?


    Posted by Adam S | February 2, 2013, 1:06 pm
  9. Getting rid of all Kardashians would truly be a service to man/womankind. Do it today, please.


    Posted by Elyse | February 2, 2013, 4:12 pm
  10. Sorry, I cannot help you destroy TwinDaddy, you’re on your own for that one. Especially since you did not know to who’s issue I was referring to in my opening sentence. For shame BLC, for Shame!


    Posted by Not Quite Alice | February 2, 2013, 4:59 pm
  11. I bet Rush has nice legs, I kid, I kid. But seriously though I have a concern of great importance. Am I the only one who thinks that Ben Affleck is a dinkus?


    Posted by Animockery | February 3, 2013, 2:28 am
  12. Great answrs to great questions!


    Posted by The Hook | February 3, 2013, 4:44 pm
  13. I know I have the luxury of time, but wouldn’t “I’ve got 5 million more braincells to kill before I’m a Dollar Store worker” have been a more appropriate response?


    Posted by Kozo | February 3, 2013, 5:08 pm
  14. I like the way you think. Great idea with the UPC sabotaging ;)


    Posted by vyvacious | February 4, 2013, 6:01 am
  15. I laughed out loud, which I don’t do often to written words… So, you have just become the best part of my day in reading your answer to the question regarding the ‘hokey pokey’!!! You are fan-fucking-tastic my friend!! Happy to be a part of your Stuph!! ~ Jen


    Posted by jenlefeverwood | February 4, 2013, 10:14 pm

We don't tolerate scum.

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