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Life

Hi Dad…

You’ve been gone for almost 6 years now.  I can’t believe it has been that long.  Some days it seems as if it were yesterday.  I remember it that vividly.  People say it gets easier.  People say anything in attempts to comfort.

5 days before you left, I asked if you were ok.  To me you looked grey.  You dismissed me with annoyance.  I couldn’t get over the nagging feeling that something was wrong but I had to return home.

1 day before you left everyone was ecstatic. Your other daughter and her family which includes 5 grandchildren, the youngest of which was 5 months old began their move back to Mich.  The plan was to stay with you til they could find a house.  I said I wasn’t coming in that weekend but had every intention of doing so to surprise you…turns out the surprise was on me and us.

I received the call from mom on the day you left.  She said you had a massive heart attack.  Something immediately shut off.  I told her I’d be there ASAP.  I called my sister who was on her way up.  She was crying, I wasn’t…she asked if I was sad…I responded that I was devastated and told her to make it home safely…we both did.

2 days after you left, the shock came.  As we were trying to gather the documents required to prepare a funeral, we came across a case of “all natural cardio health caps”  along with a note that said “to T from J…hope this helps” .  Wtf…guess what J, it didnt help at all.

So this is where the anger came in…at you, me, God and this entire situation.

You – Because obviously everything was NOT fine.
Me – Because I reluctantly chose to believe you.
God – seriously, what should have been a joyous event turned into a clusterfuck.  My sister did move back and we never got tired of hearing oh, this was how it was meant to happen..um K.
This situation – I don’t know if handling this differently would have prevented anything.  In my mind your secrets killed you.

I don’t know why I’ve waited 6 years to write this.  Maybe it is because I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel in my own situation and can possibly empathize while trying to dig myself out.  It is much more difficult on the other side.  All bitterness is gone.

We all keep you in our thoughts.  Your beautiful grandchildren now range in age from 14 to 6.  They celebrate your birthday with cake and they miss their Papa.

I miss my dad.

Love, 1J1.

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About 1jaded1

Jaded in Detroit

Discussion

30 thoughts on “Hi Dad…

  1. For six years now you have felt the pain, held together like a chain.
    To set it free and let it go, not to forget but to grow.
    Perhaps in time this pain will fade, forgetting all the bad thoughts made.
    I pray for you to release the fear, hold the love close and dear.

    Like

    Posted by TammyeHoney | March 4, 2013, 12:30 pm
  2. A hard thing to go through, for everyone involved.
    Telling stories about my Mom with friends and family was great in helping me make it a little easier to bear.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | March 4, 2013, 12:53 pm
  3. You’re right, it doesn’t go away. Loss stays with us, we just learn how to deal with those holes in our hearts and our lives.

    This was beautifully written, 1J1.

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | March 4, 2013, 1:00 pm
  4. 1J1,
    I know the feelings you describe; thank you for putting them into words.
    When my dad left it changed me forever. I think about him every day and sometimes I forget he won’t answer when I pick up the phone to call him.
    I love the idea of a birthday celebration with cake and the whole family; we might be ready for that this year.
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.
    Red

    Like

    Posted by SocietyRed | March 4, 2013, 1:24 pm
  5. maybe in this particular and so delicate moment of your life you’re digging out all the shocks that you’ve lived… I think that the only thing you could do, to make these sufferings count, is to elaborate all these feelings to take the best of you out, processing them (especially the negatives ones) is the only way to get to know ourself better and to grown into a better person…
    for the suffering I’d say it gets better… but honestly I don’t know, maybe it does.. after much more years, but truth is there will always be a lack…
    thanks for the share, all my respect 1J1

    Like

    Posted by Talkerhuge | March 4, 2013, 1:30 pm
  6. Well put. I’m sorry for your loss.

    Like

    Posted by jhubner73 | March 4, 2013, 4:04 pm
  7. in 11 days it will year since my dad passed. It will never get better.

    Like

    Posted by deanabo | March 4, 2013, 4:34 pm
    • Deanabo. I’m so sorry for your loss. In my experience some days are better than others. I’m not fond of the generalizations that all will be well. The first year is the most difficult bc you have all of these firsts without your loved one…my thoughts are with you.

      Like

      Posted by 1jaded1 | March 4, 2013, 10:35 pm
  8. 1J1,
    A few months back, I was asked to write about my father. I wrote two paragraphs, that is all I had. Lately, it’s been easier. It might have taken 6 years, friend, but you’ve taken the first step towards a potentially new stride of posts to your dad. All the best.
    Eric

    Like

    Posted by Le Clown | March 4, 2013, 6:38 pm
  9. I once thought it would be impossible to live without my parents. I envied my dad for losing both of his and maintaining. And now I look at my dad who isn’t doing so well and I’m worried that he won’t last too much longer. There’s still so much time and things to do, I can’t fathom him leaving me forever. I’m so sorry for your loss, I don’t know what I’d do. I guess carry on as you have. You seem to be a strong person and an inspiration to those of us who wonder the what-ifs. *hugs*

    Like

    Posted by beefybooyawn | March 5, 2013, 1:39 am
  10. Peace and love to you.❤ Letting go is The best you Can do, Even if it is hard.

    Like

    Posted by Blog with love | March 5, 2013, 3:44 am
  11. I think the saying “time is a healer” isn’t true with matters of the heart. The pain of the loss is always there, we just find better ways to cope with it.

    Thank you for sharing, and I’m praying for you and your family as you all continue to move forward.

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 5, 2013, 6:58 am
  12. Very well written. Sadly, dealing with the loss of parent is something that we all will eventually have to go through. And we don’t necessarily know when, so maybe we should appreciate each moment we have a little more.

    Like

    Posted by The Cutter | March 5, 2013, 8:36 am
    • Thank you. Yes. With my sister coming back up, we were going to be known wa perfect 10…lol courtesy of my nephew. Perfect? Of course not…united most definitely. I appreciated every second. Thanks again.

      Like

      Posted by 1jaded1 | March 6, 2013, 1:43 am
  13. A good friend of mine said, “You don’t get over losing your dad, you just get used to it.” I am sorry to hear about your loss, and applaud you for addressing it so eloquently.

    I still speak to mine often. And while I miss him deeply, at least during our little chats and conversations, I can now get a word in edgewise…

    Like

    Posted by t | March 5, 2013, 4:47 pm
  14. You got me a little teary on this one. It is so hard to accept a loss of someone so close. I am fortunate that I have not lost a parent yet but I did lose a grandmother who was a second mother to me.
    I will share if you would like.

    Like

    Posted by Animockery | March 6, 2013, 11:37 am

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