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The Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Surely (yes, I just called you Shirley) everyone has heard the expression “there’s a thin line between love and hate,” right?  I have never understood this expression.  Well, not until recently anyhow.  I mean, love and hate are two opposite extremes, yes?  Love and hate are about as alike as Democrats and Republicans.  Left and right.  Up and down.  Catholic and Muslim.  Black and white.  Cats and dogs.  You get the point, right?  They’re opposites.  Good.  Moving on.

So recently I went from loving someone fiercely to loathing someone intensely.  I felt used, betrayed, mistreated, and deceived.  All at once, my feelings for that person crossed that imaginary (or at least I thought it was imaginary) thin line, a line I never noticed was there, and I suddenly wanted nothing to do with that person again.  If she were to disappear from the face of the earth I wouldn’t blink an eye.

I’ve been analyzing my feelings and how they came to be what they currently are.  This is the first time I’ve ever intensely disliked someone I at one point couldn’t imagine living my life without.  It’s a very alien and not altogether pleasant feeling.

The conclusion I came to is this:  I gave this person my life.  I gave her my heart.  I placed it in her care.  I trusted her with it.  I expected her to treat it well.  I believed her when she said forever.  I believed her when she said she would do whatever it took to make us work.  I believed her when she told me that she wouldn’t make me a single parent again.  I put my faith in her.

Then she broke both promises.  She shattered my trust.  Not only did she not do whatever it took, she didn’t do anything at all to make it work.  The sole responsibility to make everything work was placed on my shoulders.  Last I checked, it takes two to tango.  Not that I tango, but if I did I certainly couldn’t do it alone.

Resentment built.  Anger crested.  Hate flourished.  It’s like there was a dam built in the river of my heart holding all my hatred at bay.  Then, it was destroyed.  I can’t stand being around her now.  The sight of her infuriates me.  The sound of her voice is like raking fingernails across the chalkboard.  When she texts me my blood boils almost instantly.  I want her to just disappear.  Vanish.  Take a permanent vacation.  Quit this place forthwith.

Unfortunately that’s not going to happen.  I’m going to have to deal with this for at least the next 16 years.  I’m going to have a constant reminder of that betrayal.  Every exchange.  Every school conference.  Every birthday.  Every sports game.

It’s truly a sad thing when this line is crossed.  Or broken.  I haven’t decided which is the more apt term for it.  My logical mind tells me that these things happen.  People fall out of love.  It sucks, but it happens.  My heart, however, can’t get past the broken promises.  It can’t get past the lies.  The betrayals.  It won’t forgive these things.  Til death do us part?  Evidently not.

Making things worse is that this person believes this is all totally acceptable.  We, in her mind, should continue to be friends.  Like nothing bad has happened.  We should still be able to hang out.  No bad blood.  No blood no foul.  But that’s not me.  I’m not Jesus.  I don’t turn the other cheek.  If I’ve been wronged I’m not going to simply look past it.  Bygones are never bygones.

When it comes to love and hate the heart rules.  The mind is simply an innocent bystander asking, “WTF?”  My heart is broken.  My heart is shattered.  Even a swiffer couldn’t pick up all the fine granules it has been reduced to.  And for that, it hates you.  For that, it will never forgive.  For that, we will never be friends.  For that, the thin line between love and hate has been exposed and crossed.

Query:  Have you, dearest reader, ever crossed this line?  Have your feelings for someone ever gone from love to hate more quickly than it takes minute rice to cook?

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Discussion

129 thoughts on “The Thin Line Between Love and Hate

  1. Wow. I can’t even bring myself to hit the like button on this post. I’m so sorry your heart was broken by someone you believed in, and hope you will be able to move on and see she obviously doesn’t deserve you. I don’t even know you other than through your blog and can tell you if she couldn’t appreciate the loyal, intelligent, good father and overall good person you are, then good riddance. Be civil for your kids sake, and call it a day. Stay strong my friend, and don’t let those feelings of hatred change you! You got this!

    Like this

    Posted by littlemisswordy | March 21, 2013, 9:16 am
  2. It’s amazing how quickly emotion changes when hearts get broken. Same thing happened when I got divorced and the sound of his voice makes me cringe now. Thankfully he didn’t pay his cell bill and he can’t text or phone anymore.

    Like this

    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | March 21, 2013, 9:25 am
  3. Well, I will hit the like and I will tell you why, honesty. It truly sucks that this has happened to you and I can sympathize but you are also shedding your thoughts and feeling with honesty and that is good to see. I grew up in a “broken” ( I hate that term by the way, it is not always broken, sometime it is better) and I had two resentful parents, one who bottled it all up until they got wasted and the other who was open and honest. I was fortunate to live with the honest one which helped me cope with my thoughts and feelings during my parents divorce.
    I say do what you need to do with that person who hurt you, within reason, then when it comes to those little ones listen to the logical side of your brain. I do not know you personally but from what I have seen you share it seems like you are handling this well, all things considered. Stay strong and I hope things get easier over time. I have been there on some level and eventually the hate just leaves you, for me it was sudden and felt like a weight lifted off of me.

    Like this

    Posted by Animockery | March 21, 2013, 9:25 am
    • I honestly try to keep her out of my thoughts at all times and for the most part I’m succeeding. But I do have to see her at least three days a week when we exchange Baby C so I can’t escape her completely.

      I know this will lessen in time, but I have a feeling my disdain for her never will.

      Like this

      Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 9:29 am
  4. Reblogged this on janneth95v16 and commented:
    :3

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    Posted by janneth95v16 | March 21, 2013, 9:33 am
  5. I did have one breakup before I got married. But I didn’t hate him – I hurt too much. I’m not sure if I ever really hated him the way I have hated close friends who have turned. It’s not the same sort of love, but definitely a trust that’s broken. Maybe it’s because I’ve shared more of me with friends than I did with that boyfriend. I’ve been good friends one minute and worst enemies the next. I do not take betrayal well either. Who does?

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    Posted by aliceatwonderland | March 21, 2013, 9:38 am
  6. Yep. Been through that.
    No kids involved, but the easiest way to deal with it was to deal with her in small doses, only when necessary, and never let teh conversation get off the topic.
    Took a long time, but eventully, I could look back on teh good parts without teh revulsion.
    Vent when you need to. If you bottle it up. It will just get you in the long run.

    Like this

    Posted by El Guapo | March 21, 2013, 9:38 am
  7. Hey, Twindaddy, I don’t really have anything for you except a lot of hugs. That okay?

    Like this

    Posted by MissFourEyes | March 21, 2013, 9:39 am
  8. Yes I identify with your words. It is really difficult when children are involved. My ex only see’s the children about once a month so I don’t have to actually ‘see’ him regularly but even those short visits stress me out big time. You sound like a great dad who sadly ended up with the wrong person. Never a nice place to be and trusting anybody again is a tough call. Think i’ll just be a spinster with two kids and 30 cats, seems an easier option to me these days. Good luck to you. :-)

    Like this

    Posted by Jo | March 21, 2013, 9:47 am
  9. I am hopeful for you and your kids that you find your own space of happiness and joy; the whole love to hate thing, I understand. But life does go on. You are obviously resilient and will manage to do what you need to for the sake of your kids’ well-being…

    Like this

    Posted by AR Neal | March 21, 2013, 10:04 am
  10. The short answer is, yes. It wasn’t as clear or quick with ex #1, but definitely with ex #2. Maybe it was because I had been through it before? I don’t know. It has been 5 years since ex #2 and I got divorced and I no longer hate him, but he still thinks everything should have been fine, that we are still “friends” (more so than just raising the kid and being civil). I like to think I have changed some but I don’t think he has much based on what he still says and does, so it never would have worked.

    Sending you peace and strength during this. You are not alone and you know where to find me (and others) if you need it.

    Like this

    Posted by sortaginger | March 21, 2013, 10:06 am
  11. Sorry that your ex wife has to be around for soooooo long. Ugh.
    :::envy me now:::
    My ex husband lives in another state. So…well…my life rocks in that regard.

    Like this

    Posted by Shackled and Crowned | March 21, 2013, 10:23 am
  12. Before I met the wife and embarked on the current adventure I am on, I was engaged to someone else. We lived together for 3 years, I asked her to marry me, she said yes, and everything was going great. And then, our dynamic changed. We took jobs working different schedules, we hardly ever got to see each other, and it put a strain on our relationship that wasn’t there before. It ended badly. The engagement ring was lost while she was walking on the beach with another guy… I had suspicions, I was full of jealousy, I was young and naive, and I still loved her deeply. Until she moved out of my house and in with that guy. I crossed the line when I found out…

    The good news is that the pain of crossing that line does fade with time… it will, I promise.

    Like this

    Posted by djmatticus | March 21, 2013, 11:26 am
    • I have no doubt it will. All pain fades with time, but it’s just a completely foreign feeling to me to hate someone who I used to love so fiercely.

      Like this

      Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 11:29 am
      • It’s weird, no doubt. Not wanting to feel that way doesn’t help either, it just adds to the confusion and chaos.

        I don’t have any really good advice either. I was surrounded by some very good and very supportive people afterwards, and I still was in a dark place for a long time.

        Like this

        Posted by djmatticus | March 21, 2013, 11:33 am
        • I’m not really in a dark place. It really only happens when I have to interact with her. I do find myself occasionally thinking about us and wondering where it went wrong, but I quickly push those thoughts aside as they are not productive and ultimately have no bearing on where I go from here.

          Like this

          Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 11:36 am
  13. K, WOW,,,,i’m so sorry,,,,and confused,,,I thought you and ur wife were working things out? WTH happened,,,too personal email me nikkix2@live.ca
    And,,,yes I have felt that way but it was with 2nd ex husband,,,it blew my mind for a long time how someone that swears your there life,,can not only beat the crap out of you,,and then move on to another person,,,like nothing ever happened,,and swears that the new person is the “love of their life now”.
    It’s not nice,,but I was actually pregnant and lost the baby with this person,,and I often think back and say thank god it happened,,because I didn’t have to deal with him for 18yrs.
    Take care of yourself twinn,,,and remember u have lots of friends here!!
    We love you and go ahead and vent to us,,,we are here. xo

    Like this

    Posted by Just Another Canadian Gurl | March 21, 2013, 11:30 am
  14. Thankfully I have not had to go through this. Stay strong.

    Like this

    Posted by The Cutter | March 21, 2013, 11:30 am
  15. That’s really tough TD. Good on you for writing it all out. I can tell you that I have experienced this very thing. I can also say that it wasn’t until I let go of the hate that I could really move on. I was not forced to deal with the person all the time though. That adds another dimension to it.

    Like this

    Posted by stephrogers | March 21, 2013, 11:53 am
    • Yes, a very unwelcome dimension.

      I’m working on letting go of the hate. But I guess I had to understand where it came from first, I don’t know. I just felt like I needed to articulate all of this.

      Like this

      Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 11:56 am
      • Yeah articulation helps. Do you ever wonder why some people think the way they do? I mean who does that? And I wonder who I would be and where I would be if not for certain happenings. It’s not better or worse, it just is. And I’m rambling. You’re very strong and getting through this remarkably well TD.

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        Posted by stephrogers | March 21, 2013, 12:12 pm
        • I do wonder about people. All the time.

          Like this

          Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 12:14 pm
          • And for me it was just a comment. Nothing more than that. But a very negative one, and said at a time of great vulnerability, by someone I thought I loved. It changed everything in an instant. Like turning on a tap. Just like you describe so eloquently. It also haunts me, what was said, but to him is probably totally forgotten. I’ll bet he’s forgotten me too. I was probably just another notch in his belt.

            Like this

            Posted by stephrogers | March 21, 2013, 12:20 pm
          • I don’t know. It’s probably best not to worry about it.

            Like this

            Posted by twindaddy | March 21, 2013, 12:21 pm
  16. Eventually, believe it or not that wall will crumble and disappear over time. My ex father in law passed away last night and him and I were very close. I am very sad at the loss and the fact that I am so far away that I can’t attend the funeral. If I were back in NY I would be attending even though it has been over 20 yrs since the divorce. We both are remarried and have moved on with our lives. I could care less about what my ex is doing. I feel badly for the loss yet I feel more so for my daughters loss of their grand father.

    Like this

    Posted by TammyeHoney | March 21, 2013, 11:58 am
  17. I like this not for the content, but for the raw emotion behind the well-chosen words. I’ve never experienced this phenomenon to that extreme, but I’ve had flirtatious with it. It’s an awful feeling to witness something that was once so good turn into something so ugly, especially when it involves you. Love and hate really aren’t that different though–it’s amazing how easy it is to veer off that line.

    Like this

    Posted by Katie | March 21, 2013, 11:59 am
  18. I think the thing that pushes us over the line isn’t the falling out of love. No, it’s the disappointed expectations that crush us — what might/should/would have been if only he/she hadn’t fucked it all up. That’s what sent me over that line, anyway. But I have been happy in the knowledge that my life in the long run turned out way better although it took time. Now I realized that if I’d married that guy, well, he’d be dead and I’d be in jail. But he introduced me to my husband. He came to my wedding. We still see each other on occasion and it is nice to see him.

    I hope that knowing that through her you have Baby C will get you to that point sooner rather than later. Because really, that is what’s most important to you.

    Hugs, my friend. (Oh, and this was beautifully written)

    Like this

    Posted by Elyse | March 21, 2013, 12:32 pm
  19. I never did like the line “Let’s just be friends.” It’s such utter fucking bullshit. No, thank you. I do not want to be friends. My friends don’t fuck me over.

    Like this

    Posted by Melanie | March 21, 2013, 3:05 pm
  20. I am so sorry you’re having to go through all this. I have family members who I dance that thin line with far too frequently and it is really painful and it makes me feel like a lunatic that I can go from loving them to loathing them fairly quickly. But it’s totally normal and it would actually be odd if you weren’t feeling the way you are. Most importantly, you are there for your kids. I know you take an incredible amount of joy in them so just keep them in the forefront of your mind when things get too hard to handle. xoxo

    Like this

    Posted by The Waiting | March 21, 2013, 3:12 pm
  21. Love. Hate. I could dedicate my whole life to writting about these two things, and still at the end of my life, not have them figured out. Love can be the most wonderful thing in the world and also be the meanest, most cruel things as well. Ii’m sure you know the time I dedicate on Tryst in writting about these two polar opposites. (I wrote one piece in particular called, “I hate to love you” … check it out sometime.

    I don’t know what to say in this matter for you dear friend. It is hard to give advice on matters of the heart, a heart that is not my own. I can say this, listen to your innermost self, you will find the answers there. Oh, and don’t sacrifice your happiness! If you know what makes you miserable, stay away from it! Follow what makes you happy! XO

    Like this

    Posted by jenlefeverwood | March 21, 2013, 3:34 pm
  22. That sucks – the whole thing you described – but here’s the deal – you share children; so you can’t let your hate/feelings poison your children’s feelings for their mother. There’s nothing more conflicting for a child than to see the two people they love the most hating each other and making them feel guilty for loving the other (even if it’s unintentional).

    I can’t imagine that you will sustain this kind of intense feeling forever – I hope you don’t b/c that’s a lot of hate to have in your heart and body – emotionally and physically. Time is what is needed – and it will come; things are raw right now.

    You’re a good person with lots of greatness – don’t let this make you bitter – you have a lot to offer to yourself, your family and possibly another person down the line.

    I’ve probably overstepped any boundaries that there were – so if I did – it was not with intent to wound, my friend. You’re better than hate.

    Like this

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | March 21, 2013, 5:13 pm
  23. It’s the easiest line to cross over for both have the same intensity. I’ve crossed it, without realizing.

    Like this

    Posted by Not Quite Alice | March 21, 2013, 7:26 pm
  24. I’m so sorry, dude. I know the feeling. Nothing I say will make it go away. Keep your mind active on other things in the meantime. Time really does have a way of healing. This also might sound corny, but I’m not trying to be: grieve. That part is really important. It’s hard to accept, but grieving is so important.

    Like this

    Posted by Adam S | March 21, 2013, 10:23 pm
  25. It’s not “business as usual” for you, because you were truly the one that was heart broken. I came home and found my ex in my bed with someone. Two days later he felt comfortable enough to approach me and ask “hey, what’s going on?” Obviously, one of us had much more invested in the relationship than the other. I know where you’re at and it sucks, but you can not let it control you. The best revenge is for you to be the happiest and best person you can be without her. Be kind, be civil and don’t look back. Good things are on the the way Twin!

    Like this

    Posted by Life With The Top Down | March 22, 2013, 7:15 am
  26. I get you, I really do. The broken trust, the hurt, the anger, the never wanting to see the person again and yet having to, and knowing that if only that the other person had actually paid attention to what was going on things could be completely different.

    Cryptic I know. But I understand what you’ve been through and you’re having to be a stronger person that I had to be (I was in the process of moving away anyway whereas you’ve got to deal with her almost daily).

    *sends love, tea & sympathy*

    Like this

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 23, 2013, 10:20 am

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