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Hero of the Moment

Hero of the Moment: The Honorable Judge Innuendo

It’s been a long time since I have made an entry into our Hero of the Moment annals.  Too long, actually.  I fail.  I suck at blogging.  Oh well.  I’m over it now.

Anyhow, I have a new Hero of the Moment.  And it’s a judge, surprisingly, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, let’s start with a little background.  The people of San Antonio are stupid.  At least, over half the population there is.  You see, somehow an ordinance was passed there that requires dancers in strip clubs to wear bikini tops while performing.  How you can continue to run a strip club in this town is beyond me.  Maybe that’s the point, but I’m tired of people using legislation to push their beliefs on other people.  If you don’t like strip clubs don’t go to them.  Don’t ruin it for everybody else, assholes.  Moving on…

35 Bar and Grille, a strip club, took umbrage with this ridiculous ordinance.  And rightfully so.  They sued the city of San Antonio and asked for an injunction preventing the ordinance from being enforced.

The judge regrettably denied the motion, (he really had no choice, sadly) but did so in the most hilarious manner.  In a 29 page ruling.  Laced with innuendo and double entendres.  Winning!

In a case he dubbed The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top v. the (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie, the honorable Judge Fred Biery lays it all out on the line from start to finish.

Here, courtesy of the fine folks at Yahoo, are the highlights of his Honor’s ruling;

The City of San Antonio (“City”) wants exotic dancers employed by Plantiffs to wear larger pieces of fabric to cover more of the female breast. Thus, the age old question before the Court, now with constitutional implications, is: Does size matter?

Plaintiffs clothe themselves in the First Amendment seeking to provide cover against another alleged naked grab of unconstitutional power.

Plaintiffs, and by extension their customers, seek an erection of a constitutional wall separating themselves from the regulatory power of City government.

While the Court has not received amicus curiae briefs, the Court has been blessed with volunteers known in South Texas as ‘curious amigos’ to be inspectors general to perform on sight visits at the locations in question.

To bare, or not to bare, that is the question. While the Court finds these businesses to be nefarious magnets of mischief, the Court doubts several square inches of fabric will stanch the flow of violence and other secondary effects emanating from these businesses.

Accordingly, the request for preliminary injunction is DENIED.

Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending.

It is so ORDERED.

Best.  Judge.  Ever.   Seriously.  If I ever get sued, put on trial, or get forced into jury duty, this had better be the judge I’m stuck with cause this guy fucking rules.

Judge Fred Biery, you ARE the Hero of the Moment.  You have restored my faith in the legal system.  Okay, not really, but your ruling was almost that awesome.

Pertinent links:

Texas judge issues double-entendre-filled ruling in strip club case | The Sideshow – Yahoo! News.

The entire ruling.

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Discussion

32 thoughts on “Hero of the Moment: The Honorable Judge Innuendo

  1. Hahaha, I LOVE it. You see? Smart, funny people live in Texas. Sadly we are seriously outnumbered by the morons. Who are probably all sitting at the strip clubs after voting against smut and going to church.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | May 10, 2013, 2:17 pm
  2. OK that is so cleverly funny!

    Like

    Posted by hastywords | May 10, 2013, 2:34 pm
  3. I’ve read one or two hundred judicial opinions and they are occasionally funny. But none compare to this one. Well spotted TwinDaddy!

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | May 10, 2013, 2:55 pm
  4. That ordinance, which is an infringement upon business owner’s rights, seems to be a devious attempt to close down the strip clubs. It seems to me that it was not likely that they found offense to the amount of flesh exposed but rather the establishment as a whole. To be honest i would not be surprised if that was the end goal and I have to admit it is clever. I do not agree with it since it is an attack on rights, sleazy business or not.
    As for the Judge, bravo, super clever and hilarious!

    Like

    Posted by Animockery | May 10, 2013, 3:39 pm
  5. I never quite understood the point of the strip clubs that used pasties and the like. Then again, some could question the point of strib clubs in general.

    Like

    Posted by The Cutter | May 10, 2013, 4:00 pm
  6. That what every legal document would look like if I wrote them.

    Like

    Posted by Revis Edgewater | May 10, 2013, 5:48 pm
  7. I loved it!

    Like

    Posted by Not Quite Alice | May 10, 2013, 9:27 pm
  8. If that judge decided to teach a course in writing rulings, every class would be filled.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | May 11, 2013, 1:08 am
  9. Wonderful! I’m so glad that someone in the US legal system has a sense of humour!

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | May 14, 2013, 7:43 am

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