It’s been a long time since I have made an entry into our Hero of the Moment annals. Too long, actually. I fail. I suck at blogging. Oh well. I’m over it now.
Anyhow, I have a new Hero of the Moment. And it’s a judge, surprisingly, but I’ll get to that in a minute.
First, let’s start with a little background. The people of San Antonio are stupid. At least, over half the population there is. You see, somehow an ordinance was passed there that requires dancers in strip clubs to wear bikini tops while performing. How you can continue to run a strip club in this town is beyond me. Maybe that’s the point, but I’m tired of people using legislation to push their beliefs on other people. If you don’t like strip clubs don’t go to them. Don’t ruin it for everybody else, assholes. Moving on…
35 Bar and Grille, a strip club, took umbrage with this ridiculous ordinance. And rightfully so. They sued the city of San Antonio and asked for an injunction preventing the ordinance from being enforced.
The judge regrettably denied the motion, (he really had no choice, sadly) but did so in the most hilarious manner. In a 29 page ruling. Laced with innuendo and double entendres. Winning!
In a case he dubbed The Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Bikini Top v. the (More) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Pastie, the honorable Judge Fred Biery lays it all out on the line from start to finish.
Here, courtesy of the fine folks at Yahoo, are the highlights of his Honor’s ruling;
The City of San Antonio (“City”) wants exotic dancers employed by Plantiffs to wear larger pieces of fabric to cover more of the female breast. Thus, the age old question before the Court, now with constitutional implications, is: Does size matter?
Plaintiffs clothe themselves in the First Amendment seeking to provide cover against another alleged naked grab of unconstitutional power.
Plaintiffs, and by extension their customers, seek an erection of a constitutional wall separating themselves from the regulatory power of City government.
While the Court has not received amicus curiae briefs, the Court has been blessed with volunteers known in South Texas as ‘curious amigos’ to be inspectors general to perform on sight visits at the locations in question.
To bare, or not to bare, that is the question. While the Court finds these businesses to be nefarious magnets of mischief, the Court doubts several square inches of fabric will stanch the flow of violence and other secondary effects emanating from these businesses.
Accordingly, the request for preliminary injunction is DENIED.
Should the parties choose to string this case out to trial on the merits, the Court encourages reasonable discovery intercourse as they navigate the peaks and valleys of litigation, perhaps to reach a happy ending.
It is so ORDERED.
Best. Judge. Ever. Seriously. If I ever get sued, put on trial, or get forced into jury duty, this had better be the judge I’m stuck with cause this guy fucking rules.
Judge Fred Biery, you ARE the Hero of the Moment. You have restored my faith in the legal system. Okay, not really, but your ruling was almost that awesome.