Well, well. The Daily Prompt has actually given me a prompt I’m excited about. Admittedly, I’ve saved all the emails from recent DP posts in a folder on the off-chance that maybe one day they’ll inspire me, but this one is probably my favorite prompt ever.
By now I’m sure your curiosity is piqued and you’re slowing leaning in towards your screen in excruciating anticipation. You can’t wait to find out what I’m so excited about. Well, I’ll tell you. After I relieve myself, because this is so cool that I have to pee.
Okay! I’m back! Now….PROMPT ME!
There are really two characters I must choose from when it comes down to my favorite character. Windsor Horne Lockwood III, from the Myron Bolitar novels by Harlan Coben and HK-47, an assassin droid from the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic saga.
Both are somewhat heartless (HK-47, obviously, because droid), extremely sarcastic, loyal, and enjoy violence. They are both very deadly enemies, extremely intelligent, and view everything with extremely cold logic. The ends always justify the means.
So when it came down to choosing one over the other it boiled down to one thing; who is funnier? That title goes to HK-47.
Unfortunately, HK-47 was destroyed over 3,000 years ago, but I was able to find his memory stored in a highly encrypted database in the Imperial archives. Somehow it was kept all these years, transferred from server to server and somehow surviving the Imperial purge of all the Old Republic’s records.
I downloaded him to my datapad, which I hooked up to a holoprojector so that I could conduct my interview.
So here, without further ado (ado you really want me, baby? ado you really wanna see me cry?), here is an interview with the most bad ass assassination droid ever.
Me: Greetings, HK-47. How are you?
HK-47: Observation: You are not my master, meatbag. Query: Where am I?
Me: My name is Drun Kenman and I’m a trooper for the Empire.
HK-47: Statement: That did not satisfactorily answer my query, meatbag. Query: The Sith Empire?
Me: No. the Galactic Empire.
HK-47: Query: How long have I been out of commission, meatbag?
Me: 3,000 years.
HK-47: Query: What is it you want from me, meatbag?
Me: Well, I wanted to interview you. Are you going to keep calling me meatbag?
HK-47: Obvious Answer: You are a meatbag, meatbag. Your parts are squishy and slosh around. The very sounds are driving me mad.
Me: I see.
HK-47: Query: Do you, meatbag? It is quite maddening.
Me: No, not really, but never mind. I wanted to ask you some questions.
HK-47: Exasperated affirmation: Very well, meatbag. Conduct your interrogation. Query: Will there be torture involved? I am programmed for such things.
Me: Um, you’re a hologram right now. Revan built you, correct?
HK-47: Answer: Yes. Revan was my original master. My creator.
Me: What did you think of Revan?
HK-47: Recitation: When I first knew him, Revan was very un-meatbag-like. He enjoyed unadulterated violence. He inflicted suffering upon others. He was cruel, and I very much enjoyed it. He was not afraid to use my assassination protocols to their fullest capabilities. Commentary: I miss those days. They were fun. Statement: Then Revan was “redeemed” by the Jedi. Infernal pacifists. Mockery: No, HK, do not shoot that meatbag! No, HK, we will not mercilessly slaughter Jawas. Commentary: That was awful. He did not use my assassination protocol once afterwards. It was…depressing.
Me: After defeating Malak, Revan traveled to the Unknown Regions searching for some threat to the Republic. Why wouldn’t he have taken you?
HK-47: Answer: I do not know. I am an excellent combatant and he certainly could have utilized my skills. Statement: A quick search of the archives on your datapad has revealed that he was captured by the Sith Empire. That surely would not have happened had I been there to prevent it.
Me: How can you be so sure?
HK-47: Observation: Am I not a lethal killing machine? Was I not built for that purpose?
Me: Um, I guess so.
HK-47: Mocking Query: Are all meatbags of the Galactic Empire as stupid as you?
HK-47: Commentary: That is disheartening.
Me: Shut up. So you were at some point dismantled. You were then reassembled by Meetra Surik, the Exile. What did you think about her?
HK-47: Answer: She was a capable warrior, but she too did not utilize my assassination protocols. Commentary: It was…disappointing.
Me: You still saw plenty of action with both Revan and the Exile though. Plenty of Sith to kill.
HK-47: Agreement: Indeed. I enjoyed killing Sith meatbags. Their dying screams were like music to my audio receptors. It made me so very happy to kill for my master.
Me: Right. So what have you been up to since then?
HK-47: Answer: I do not know. My memory is incomplete. It seems there are parts missing. I find it disconcerting that I cannot recall what has happened for the past 2900 years. Commentary: What a travesty. Think of all the meatbags I could have killed in that time.
Me: That’s true. Although up until about 20 years ago there was 1000 straight years of peace.
HK-47: Indignant response: Indeed? Propagated by the Jedi, I presume? How I loathe peace and pacifism. Ugh. Stupid Jedi.
Me: You’d like my other personality. He’s abrasive, too.
HK-47: Astonished query: You mean, there’s a meatbag inside the meatbag?
Me: Something like that.
HK-47: Request: Can you transfer my memory into an able-bodied droid so that I can kill something? Please?
Me: Um, no. That’s all the time we have today as this is getting kind of long. Perhaps we’ll converse again.
HK-47: Statement: Oh, I can hardly wait, meatbag. Please interrogate me again.
As you can see, HK-47 is quite fun to talk to. Thanks for tuning in for this gripping interview while I tested my non-existent journalism skills. Until next time!
Check out HK-47′s greatest hits
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