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Blow Out the Candle and Make a Wish

I am writing from a very dark place.  Even though I spent last evening with my father and stepmother, having a couple of drinks and sharing a few jokes, it didn’t ease the oppressive blackness surrounding me.  In fact, coming home to an empty house somewhat amplified it.

Today is my birthday.  For that reason I am reflecting on the past year.  The shittiest year I’ve ever endured.

I started last year full of hope.  I know that because I went back and read my birthday post from last year.  I wished for a wonderful year for my wife and I at the close of that post.  For some reason I saw last year as one full of promise.  A year where things would finally settle down and happiness would finally come and claim me.  Oh how wrong I was.

Instead what I received were 12 months of  heartache, heartbreak, and a heavy dose of depression.  Love and loss.  Lessons teaching the ease in which a heart can break.  An on and off again marriage, which is now permanently off.  I have become a part-time father for ANOTHER child.  I’m having withdrawals.  I’m used to seeing Baby C every day and now I have to adjust to life without him half the time.

Even though I lost so much last year, I did gain some things.  I gained perspective on myself.  I learned a lot about myself.  I learned that though I thought I had depression under control I was merely fooling myself.  I learned that I wasn’t a model husband.  I learned that I had a severe lack of patience.  I gained other things, as well.  I gained friends.  A lot of wonderful new friends.  Friends who suffer from the same condition I do.  Friends who understand how I feel without even having to explain it to them.  They know because they suffer, too.  It is through our common afflictions which we bond.  I’ve grown as a person despite losing so much. I’ve grown as a writer.  I’ve grown as a father.

This year, I make no wish.  I did that last year.  I refuse to look towards the next 12 months with my chin up.  Fuck that.  I’ll take each day as it comes and do the very best I can for my boys.  They, besides my immediate family, are all I have left and they are worthy of every bit of effort I can give them.  They are my reason for continuing, even though most of the time I feel lethargic and unmotivated.  They will be my inspiration because they deserve it and, quite frankly, no one else does. Everyone else I’ve let inside my walls, aside from my mother and brother, have let me down or hurt me in some catastrophic way.

The children

Baby A, Baby B, and Baby C passed out on the couch yesterday morning after they got up and got dressed.

Those boys right there.  They are my guiding light.  They are my saving grace.  They are my beacon of hope.  They are my reason for everything.  I miss them right now.  Sure, they drive me nuts sometimes but I love them and they are all I have left.  They are my goal for this next year.  I need to be okay for them.  I need to continue for them.

I enter my 37th year on this planet a bitter, pessimistic, and cynical soul, but a determined soul.  Somehow I will get through this.  Somehow I’ll survive.  I have to.  I must.  My boys are counting on me, even if they don’t even know it.  I am, in turn, counting on them.

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Discussion

170 thoughts on “Blow Out the Candle and Make a Wish

  1. Twindaddy,
    It was a tough one, and you’ve done plenty for everyone. Now, I am wishing for your birthday that you do things for you. At least, much, much more. So there… write it down somewhere. Happy birthday, mon ami.
    Le Clown

    Like

    Posted by Le Clown | June 12, 2013, 7:02 am
  2. TD, you are a beautiful friend, a fountain of epic awesomeness, a tower of wonderful, a pillar of potential and possibilities. We never know what the future holds, and wishes don’t always serve us well. Congrats on making it through such a tough year with your soul intact and your boys in your heart. I am proud to call you friend
    Xxx

    Like

    Posted by stephrogers | June 12, 2013, 7:08 am
  3. That is how I live my life, TD..one day at a time. Happy birthday..I know it sounds cliche, but as my mom says, you never know what is around the next corner. -Mer

    Like

    Posted by merbear74 | June 12, 2013, 7:09 am
  4. “They are my guiding light. They are my saving grace. They are my beacon of hope. They are my reason for everything. I miss them right now. Sure, they drive me nuts sometimes but I love them and they are all I have left. They are my goal for this next year. I need to be okay for them. I need to continue for them.”

    Very well said. This has been my life for awhile and though I am the “full-time parent” because of location, I am facing one of my hardest times when I am not in charge for awhile. I have to be here when he comes back, physically and emotionally. I have to keep telling myself that.

    Sending you peace and strength, wishing you a happy birthday. Try to be gentle and take care of yourself, and keep reaching out to us whenever you need to.

    Like

    Posted by sortaginger | June 12, 2013, 7:13 am
  5. Definitely one hell of a year for you, CT. No need to make wishes, as long as you have at least one thing each day to smile about. I second Le Clown’s wish. Do more for you, how small of a “thing” it may be.

    That picture of your kids is too cute! I didn’t notice baby C until you said so in your caption…then I saw baby C’s cute butt.

    Hugs to you! I’m raising a cupcake in your honor later today or maybe a cookie. I should go for cookies, but sister wants cupcakes.

    Happy Birthday!

    Like

    Posted by TJLubrano | June 12, 2013, 7:16 am
  6. Your strength through your darkness is amazing. We will always be here for you when you need us…..happy birthday dear friend. I hope this year brings much light into your life. xo

    Like

    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | June 12, 2013, 7:40 am
  7. Happy Birthday. It’s not as hot after 21 or so is it? I will have my 37th on the 29th (super soaker, remember). After the birthdays of both kids, I am usually too tired to give a damn about my own. Seriously, I admire your courage to keep going. I am not a single parent, but I often feel like I barely have my head above water. I look to my girls as a reason to keep plugging along, but at times it does feel like just plugging, doesn’t it?

    Love the picture. My kids slept with their butts in the air when little too – I guess that’s why they call it “child’s pose” in yoga. Maybe you should go join them.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | June 12, 2013, 7:46 am
  8. Well, then, my friend, you have a whole host of others wishing good things for you. It has been a horrible, horrible year for you. Fuck that. It’s a new one. You don’t have to wish, you just have to keep those feet moving and those arms of yours open to new friends and new, better experiences. And full of your boys.

    Happy Birthday.

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | June 12, 2013, 7:53 am
  9. Happy birthday and good luck to you, sir. At some point things suck so much that they can only get better, right? I’m glad you have those boys in your life to always give you something to look forward to.

    Like

    Posted by donofalltrades | June 12, 2013, 8:08 am
  10. Genie says ,,l,, when I make wishes, so I’m just going to say Happy Birthday and that you deserve the best, for this year, and ever. Jaded.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | June 12, 2013, 8:33 am
  11. Dude, congratulations and keep learning!

    Like

    Posted by Daan van den Bergh | June 12, 2013, 8:42 am
  12. Happy birthday. We’re birthday neighbors.

    I think coming into this new year with clarity and hope is better than any other wish you could possibly make. You’re a strong person, and no matter what comes of this year, I’m sure you’ll kick its ass.

    Like

    Posted by Katie | June 12, 2013, 8:43 am
  13. Happy birthday, TD. I hope it includes cake for you, and cake that you can then share when the boys are next with you. A positive way of thinking is that you’re extending the celebrations to include them when they’re next there, if that makes sense?

    I love how your sofa is big enough to accomodate all three asleep, for now at least.

    *love*

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | June 12, 2013, 9:13 am
  14. Oh Twindaddy, it seems inane to wish you a Happy Birthday – so I will wish you a peaceful birthday with hopes of finding peace in the coming year. I hope you can oust the bitter, pessimistic & cynical parts and find ease in life. Do it for yourself – you deserve serenity and then you can be the best you can be for others. You can do this – you are already doing it by reaching out and opening up.

    Much mushiness,
    Rutabaga

    Like

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | June 12, 2013, 9:25 am
  15. Twindaddy, I know where you are. I’ve been there myself. What you just said above says volumes about how much you have grown, and what a more giving, loving and appreciative person these awful dark times will make you. When you reach the other side–and you will, believe me–you will realize that you are better for having gone through all of this. When you are able to look back on now from a distance, you will feel in your heart that you’re a better man, and without these dark times, as hard as they may be, that may not have happened. Life looks very different when we discover what’s most important to preserve and protect. Healing sucks, it may not feel good, but you ARE doing it, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Bravo to you for sharing your journey with us, your far away friends and fans.

    Here’s wishing you a rich, full life with your kids, family, friends and career.

    Even though we don’t chit-chat as often as we used to, please know that I am still in your corner, one of many who value your friendship, and still a card carrying member of the loyal Stuph Mafia.

    Hugs and kisses!

    Cheeky

    Like

    Posted by thecheekydiva | June 12, 2013, 9:28 am
    • Thank you, Cheeky. I know you’re busy with your move and everything you have going on. I appreciate you taking the time out to read my ramblings this morning.

      Like

      Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 9:35 am
      • Oh my friend, I’m not as busy as I’ve led you to believe. I still struggle with depression myself on occasion. Having a house for sale that no one seems to want tends to wear one down too. Mostly my lack of anything nice to say and my dwindling attention span is what’s keeping me out of the blogging world at the moment. I promise I will try harder to read all of my old friends on a more regular basis. I’ve missed them–you are among one of those I miss the most. :-)

        Like

        Posted by thecheekydiva | June 12, 2013, 9:48 am
        • I had no idea. The total LACK of motivation is one of the worst symptoms of depression. I understand perfectly where you’re coming from there.

          Like

          Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 9:50 am
          • Depression is a horrible, evil thing. That lack of motivation brings on guilt, and consequently more depression. Finding ways to step out of that “drain circling” mental self abuse are hard to find some times. And like me, even though I no longer suffer depression on a daily basis, some days it’s hard to know just a bad day from a day where I’m sliding down the slope again. Just remember you are still you! People love you. No matter what those fucked up chemicals in your brain try to tell you. The sun’ll come out…To..Morrow…..and all that shit, right?

            Like

            Posted by thecheekydiva | June 12, 2013, 10:00 am
          • Lol. I guess that’s how it goes. Thanks, Cheeky. And now that I know you haven’t REALLY been busy I’m going to start bugging you…

            Like

            Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 10:07 am
          • Okay fine. I’ll be waiting for your wrath to rain down upon me.

            Like

            Posted by thecheekydiva | June 12, 2013, 10:11 am
          • I have no wrath left. More like a friendly annoyance.

            Like

            Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 10:12 am
          • Dude, I know for sure that friendly annoyance is very wrathful if done the right way. Just ask Mr. The Cheeky. ;-)

            Like

            Posted by thecheekydiva | June 12, 2013, 10:19 am
          • I bow to your wisdom.

            Like

            Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 10:33 am
  16. Damn right you’ll survive.
    And your kids will be proud of you for doing it.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | June 12, 2013, 9:32 am
  17. In my opinion, your paragraph that said ‘fuck it’ and ‘taking one day at a time’ sounded like the words of a very strong and determined man. I’m suggesting that you’ve got this in the bag, dude. All will be well.

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | June 12, 2013, 9:42 am
  18. Happy birthday TD.
    I hope things work better for you this year. One day at the time is the way to go.
    I’m with Le Clown and MB.
    xx

    Like

    Posted by Doggy's Style | June 12, 2013, 9:56 am
  19. Given all the scrolling I did in order to type this comment, I dare say you have many who feel as I do. You are a man of amazing strength who will not let the obstacles that life drops in your path cause you to stray from what your true focus is and always should be…being strong, being healthy, being present for yourself and your children. In addition, your strength, your words, serve to reach out to those who need to know they’re not alone, those who may not be able to comment but who undoubtedly benefit from your posts. May you find happiness today on your birthday and every day thereafter as you bask in the love of your children, your family, and your friends. One day at a time my friend!

    Like

    Posted by littlemisswordy | June 12, 2013, 10:05 am
  20. Ah, it’s been a hard year. You’re looking at it perfectly, though. Day by day….this too shall pass….the serenity prayer. However you are inspired and motivated to keep on keeping on….do it.
    You rock.

    Like

    Posted by Shackled and Crowned | June 12, 2013, 10:37 am
  21. I know I tend to turn towards cynical homor to mask my real feelings, but I do have them. I have no words of wisdom or hope. We say those things to make ourselves feel better, not because they do any good. But I am on your side, for whatever that is worth. And I feel your pain. But I also sense the strength and goodness within you.

    Like

    Posted by pouringmyartout | June 12, 2013, 10:52 am
  22. Optimism can be the downfall of us all. Sometimes the best things come when we don’t expect them. May your next year be a good one.

    Like

    Posted by The Cutter | June 12, 2013, 11:28 am
  23. Well happy birthday :) You are 6 months older than me. I wished I could offer you more but just hang in there and I agree about taking it day by day. That doesn’t leave room for disappointments. :)
    *hugs*

    Like

    Posted by Claudia Bette | June 12, 2013, 11:38 am
  24. Happy Berfday!! :)
    I always start each year (either calendar or otherwise) with some small part of me hoping that the next one will be better. I wish it would learn. It gets so diappointed when it isn’t. Fingers crossed / touch wood, they haven’t been worse. They just stay the same.
    I’ll eat some cake for you and make a wish that your next year is better.
    PS – the photo is like playing a game of where’s wally / waldo, except it’s Baby C we’re hunting for. I hope he could breathe, it looks like his head is wedged between the sofa cushions.

    Like

    Posted by kirstenhwhyte | June 12, 2013, 11:40 am
  25. TD, this is a beautiful post filled with raw emotion. You have three awesome guiding lights. I know they will help show you the way, especially when you need it the most. When all else fails, we are here for you. You’ve grown so much over the past year and I can only say that on this special day, I look forward to sharing the journey of this next year with you. Happy birthday my friend. Take the day, and make it yours-you deserve it. Thank you for warming my heart today with the pictures of the little ones.

    Like

    Posted by Lady Lovely | June 12, 2013, 12:11 pm
  26. I wish for you … some light in your darkness. It will come. :)

    Like

    Posted by Fresh Ginger | June 12, 2013, 12:23 pm
  27. Happy birthday, twindaddy. That adorable butt of little baby C sticking out between the twins is priceless. It looks like you’ve got some great things in your life aside from your blog. Keep going!

    Like

    Posted by denmother | June 12, 2013, 12:27 pm
  28. Thanks.

    Like

    Posted by twindaddy | June 12, 2013, 1:44 pm
  29. Happy Birthday! I hope your 38th revolution around the sun is a bit calmer than your 37th. I hope you find some peace. I hope you find some joy. I’ll keep sending happy thoughts and positive energy your direction, today and all year long, because you deserve to be okay, you deserve to be happy again, you deserve to be able to set aside the oppressiveness for awhile and let someone else carry it.

    Like

    Posted by djmatticus | June 12, 2013, 2:13 pm
  30. You know until you mentioned it in this post, I didn’t even see baby “C” They are absolutely precious, and they are a good reason to keep going! Here’s hoping for you that this coming year is a much better year. :) Happy Birthday friend.

    Like

    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | June 12, 2013, 2:41 pm
  31. I always get introspective and usually depressed about what I’ve accomplished in the past year, too. Birthdays are kind of boooooo. Anyway, happy birthday, TD. May the next year be better.

    Like

    Posted by goldfish | June 12, 2013, 4:08 pm
  32. I sit and cry as I wish you a happy birthday.

    Like

    Posted by hastywords | June 12, 2013, 5:21 pm
  33. Sorry things have been so crappy. :( you sound like a wonderful father! I’m glad you have your children to love and to be loved in return.
    To sunnier days ahead… And cake. Lots of cake.
    -Christy

    Like

    Posted by runningonsober | June 12, 2013, 9:12 pm
  34. Happy Birthday … great reflection … so now enjoy your day!

    Like

    Posted by aFrankAngle | June 12, 2013, 9:33 pm
  35. But aren’t you the least bit happy that this year is over? That’s still a cause for a minor celebration.

    Like

    Posted by List of X | June 12, 2013, 10:53 pm
  36. I’m just now following you. I’ve read your many comments to a fellow blogger. I thought I was following you before now. My apologies.
    My words to you are this…
    Where there is life, there is hope.
    Where there is hope, there is life.
    I myself have had to cling on to a string of hope in times. On and then off and on again. But you hold on. Keep holding. Don’t let go. For somewhere there is a purpose in life for you. I am sure of it. And if I’m reading this post correctly, happy birthday to you.

    Like

    Posted by lisajohnsonsawyer | June 13, 2013, 9:10 am
    • Thank you, Lisa. My purpose is my children right now. I need to be okay for them.

      Out of curiosity, which fellow blogger?

      Like

      Posted by twindaddy | June 13, 2013, 9:12 am
      • Mainly lunatic. But there have been others as well. I hate calling her that. Doesn’t seem right in my eyes.
        I do believe there is depression in all of us. It’s only some of us that admit.

        Like

        Posted by lisajohnsonsawyer | June 13, 2013, 9:16 am
        • Yes. I’ve come to call her Loony since she seems to prefer that on the blog. She’s not a lunatic at all. She’s actually very intelligent and an excellent writer.

          Like

          Posted by twindaddy | June 13, 2013, 9:19 am
          • I concur. I didn’t know that about the name loony. I too shall call her that. Thanks!
            Now you….your children will be fine. Children believe it or not, are resilient. They are born fighters. You take them in your arms and love them. Just let them know you love them. For whatever you are going thru they just need to know they are loved. And be truthful with them. What they see with their eyes does not need to be glazed over with a lie. They will hate for that later in life. Be good….

            Like

            Posted by lisajohnsonsawyer | June 13, 2013, 9:23 am
          • I’m not lying to them, but I am shielding them from what I’m going through. Just because I’m suffering doesn’t mean they need to. I want them to have fun and be kids. They don’t need to be worrying about me.

            Like

            Posted by twindaddy | June 13, 2013, 9:25 am
  37. You are a very strong person, Twindaddy. Happy birthday, wishing you the best for everything. I wish I could give you real hug.
    *extra special naked birthday hugs*

    Like

    Posted by MissFourEyes | June 13, 2013, 1:34 pm
  38. Twindaddy,
    I can relate to your tour of duty in dark territory but have faith, my friend, the light will return to your world soon. I know it.

    Like

    Posted by The Hook | June 13, 2013, 2:57 pm
  39. When I was 11, my parents divorced. That may or may not have affected me – I’m not sure – but however much it affected me, it was nothing compared to who my mom married next. THAT affected me. My mom did not choose wisely. 10 years later, she fell in line with my way of thinking and divorced a second time. And 4 years ago, I stopped speaking to that person entirely. Not one word since then. Fuck that guy. Meanwhile, my actual dad sort of… adopted his new wife’s family and went with that.

    Now, maybe in response, maybe in defiance, maybe in overcompensation, or some, all or none of these, I love my kids, never want to be without them (until they’re grown, of course), and I take responsibility for their well-being.

    Some of this may have influenced my marriage – my part of my marriage – or, I might be stubborn. But… your kids are only going to be this age once. You, on the other hand, are right at that age where you can totally fluctuate between responsibility and immaturity at will, with no repercussions, assuming you set things up properly. You big poopiehead. So be a dad, because you’re fucking excellent at that, and worry about a partner along the way. Sounds more like your problem is partner selection than personal faults anyway. Totally. Get a spotter for your dates and listen to them, and you’re golden.

    Like

    Posted by Edward Hotspur | June 13, 2013, 10:21 pm
  40. In other news, don’t listen to me, because I know nothing.

    Like

    Posted by Edward Hotspur | June 13, 2013, 10:21 pm
  41. I missed it by days! Oh no! *double hugs* Happy belated birthday… and it is a happy one, even if you can’t see it today. It’s happy because you’re loved, in this community and by that adorable trio on the couch… it’s happy because you’re strong, and you survive everything that gets thrown at you… and it’s happy because tomorrow is going to be amazing and today is just day one of that journey. Love you much, TD. Rawr!

    Like

    Posted by rarasaur | June 14, 2013, 3:19 am
  42. Happy belated birthday Twin. Without even trying you made me smile with the picture of your boys. The little one snuggled up in the middle is beyond precious! Living each day one at a time is a wonderful concept for the upcoming year. Don’t look back, don’t look forward, just be present. Best wishes for a 37th year filled with love.

    Like

    Posted by Life With The Top Down | June 14, 2013, 7:44 am
  43. That was really beautiful, actually. Kind of a weird descriptive term to use when you’re talking being bummed out, but the chin up – fuck the world – I’ll take my brand of crazy and still try to step up everyday attitude, especially because you want so much to do it for your kids, is honest and real and gripping. I wish for your sake that you’ll realize you’re probably better at being there than you think you are, so happy birthday…

    Like

    Posted by stankmeaner | June 14, 2013, 1:53 pm

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