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Blunt Life Coach

Blunt Life Coach™ Speaks: 6/14/2013

Things have been depressing around here of late.  Things have been depressing in real life, too.  So I figured…fuck that noise.  It’s time for some BLC™.  I need a little aggression.  I need to cut loose.  So this time, despite the fact that he’s a fucking jackass, I’m proud to hand my blog over to…

blunt life coach

Blunt Life Coach™ speaks:  Well, that was unexpected.  Thanks for the great introduction, Twindaddy, but you’re still a whiny bitch.  Why don’t you get your fucking shit together and stop being a pussy?  Douchebucket.

I’m not here to insult Twindaddy, though that would be fun.  I’m here to answer questions because I’m smart and you’re not.  We all have our cross to bear and mine is being smarter than all you fuckers.  So here we go.

Name: stephrogers
Question: What am I supposed to do with the 2000 tortillas hubby bought last week “because they were half price”? Every cupboard is crammed full. They’re exploding out the top of the bread box.

Steph, the first thing you do is revoke his shopping privileges.  Obviously he’s not responsible enough to go to the store without being a complete moron.  Secondly, before you revoke his privileges, send him back to the store to get enough ingredients to make 2000 burritos.  When he returns, inform him that the kids are going to have a burrito stand (like a lemonade stand) and he’s in charge of helping them.  Perhaps next time he’ll think before clearing a shelf of a product on sale.

Name: Melanie
Unshitty™ question: Blunt Life Coach,Why haven’t you made yourself an official author with your very own Gravatar yet? It would be pretty easy, and you could do it while you have Twindaddy taken over and he would never know.

Because then I’d have to sign him out, sign in, and then sign back out when I’m done.  That’s too much fucking work.  Plus, I can dick around with his friends when I’m in control and make him look like an ass.  For instance, I could navigate to your blog and go to the first random commenter and reply to their comment with , “Hey, nice ass!” and everyone would think it was him and he’d have no plausible defense.  That’s much more fun.

Name: Daan van den Bergh
Unshitty™ question: Have you ever been mellow?
Have you ever tried?
Have you ever been happy just to hear a song?

What.  The.  Fuck.  What the hell did you just subject me to?  And for fuck’s sake…why?

Have I ever been happy to hear a song?  Sure.  How about this one…

Name: behindthemaskofabuse
Unshitty™ question: Bacon, lettuce and tomato… ahem… I mean Blunt Life Coach, since you’re so smart, why don’t you run for President? At least your country would get the truth.

Oh, BLT.  I see what you did there.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.

Best. Eyeroll. Ever.

Let’s see…why don’t I run for president….Oh yeah, because I’m a personality trapped inside of a body with a more dominant personality and I only have control for mere moments at a time.

I’ve yet to convince anyone to assist me by destroying Twindaddy, but if you would be so obliged, I could then assume control of this body and run for president.

Name: Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher
Unshitty™ question: Funicular or Trolley?

I’ve been waiting years for this question.  Wait, no I haven’t…

Considering I don’t know what either of those words mean I’m going to go with bacon.

Name: MissFourEyes
Unshitty™ question: Dear BLC,
I have this friend, let’s call her The Idiot, she really likes 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve been trying to convert her to a hater (as everyone should be) for months, it isn’t working! What should I do?

This is quite the dilemma.  It seems to me that if she enjoys these books she’s not the most intelligent friend you have, so logic will not work on her.  Drastic measures will be needed.  Actually, I have an idea.

Make her read the recaps on AliceatWonderland’s blog and the recraps on Speaker7′s blog.  If The Idiot hasn’t changed her mind by that time, she’s not a good friend and shouldn’t be a part of your life.  In fact, you may be losing IQ points by merely being in her presence.

Name: djmatticus
Unshitty™ question: BLC,What did you think of Le Clown’s recent visit with TwinDaddy? Did you consider coming forward and providing an alternative tour of the Star Wars galaxy?

To be quite honest, I was contemplating stepping forward at some point and fucking with Le Clown while he was in Mos Eisley, but when Vader started force-choking him I just sat back and enjoyed it.  Even though I don’t really care for Twindaddy, the way Le Clown was talking to Twindaddy was kind of pissing me off, but Vader hooked us up.  It was great.

That’s all, fuckers!  I’m completely out of questions so make sure you send me some more.  There can be no Blunt Life Coach™ without questions to answer.  Blunt Life Coach™ signing out.

Do you have a question for Blunt Life Coach™?  If so, submit it below!

Like Blunt Life Coach™?  Check out his other stuph here!

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Discussion

99 thoughts on “Blunt Life Coach™ Speaks: 6/14/2013

  1. Matticus,
    Le Clown is into erotic asphyxiation, Vader is my man.
    Le Clown

    Like this

    Posted by Le Clown | June 14, 2013, 7:10 am
  2. Oh, man, this was a good one and not just because you mentioned my name. I’ll have to come back with an unshitty question later. That’s all fuckers!

    Like this

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | June 14, 2013, 7:18 am
  3. I am currently researching the tax liabilities involved in running a burrito stand. I’ll get back to you shortly…

    Like this

    Posted by stephrogers | June 14, 2013, 7:26 am
  4. BLC, Je t’adore.

    Like this

    Posted by 1jaded1 | June 14, 2013, 8:31 am
  5. I found enough balls to finally ask you a question, oh great and scary-ish BLC…

    Like this

    Posted by merbear74 | June 14, 2013, 8:40 am
  6. This is the best version of Have you NEVER been Mellow

    Like this

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | June 14, 2013, 8:49 am
  7. Bacon, huh? As if it’s some magical pork product….

    Like this

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | June 14, 2013, 8:51 am
  8. I was trying to. Thanks for confirming. Here is a double dose of fail. ,,l,, and ,,l,,

    Like this

    Posted by 1jaded1 | June 14, 2013, 9:54 am
  9. Kick-ass Q & A, Coach!

    Like this

    Posted by The Hook | June 14, 2013, 10:29 am
  10. By far, my favoritst life coach ever! And I’m not just saying that…I’m sincere dammit.

    Like this

    Posted by Kayjai | June 14, 2013, 10:45 am
  11. That’s what I’m talking about.

    Like this

    Posted by pouringmyartout | June 14, 2013, 10:55 am
  12. BLC, your advice is as Unshitty as always!

    Like this

    Posted by BrainRants | June 14, 2013, 11:37 am
  13. I got BLC to laugh! That makes me awesome!

    Like this

    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | June 14, 2013, 8:16 pm
  14. Oh BLC! I sent her to Alice’s blog, she REFUSED to read them. I think you’re right. It’s time to let her go.

    Like this

    Posted by MissFourEyes | June 15, 2013, 12:06 pm
  15. Dear Blunt Life Coach™
    I like your suggestions for how to turn people off that rubbishy book. Thank you for taking the time to answer the questions posted to you by the mere mortals who read Stuph™ Blog.
    Faith

    Like this

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | June 16, 2013, 4:14 pm

We don't tolerate scum.

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