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Today My World Slipped Away

Image via simonlawgroupaz.com

The end of the road. The final chapter. It’s all over now.

Today our divorce is official. Today is the final day of a journey we began on October 18, 2008. A journey that should have lasted the rest of our lives.

On that day I made a vow to love, honor, and cherish you for the rest of my life. Unlike my first marriage, I meant it. And I believed I would spend the rest of my life doing so. I thought I had chosen wisely. I thought I had found the elusive “one.” I was wrong.

After a couple of months of counseling and therapy, it has been made clear to me that if you’re not a narcissist, you’re definitely borderline. Looking back through our relationship with my counselor he pointed out to me all of the traps you laid out for me that I fell right into with my codependency.  From the pressure to marry you (I wasn’t ready) to the ultimatum (which you waited until we’d been dating for six months to give me) of having another child or we’re over, it’s all become very clear that you’ve been manipulating me for years and I just never saw it. Sure, I noticed your selfishness over time, but not the manipulation.

Last year I assumed responsibility for every problem our marriage had and you let me do it. My friends, and even the marriage counselor we saw (the one time you could be bothered to go), emphasized it took two to make it work and two to make it not work, but I would not listen. And neither did you. I was so focused on my faults and what I had done wrong that I didn’t bother to look at your faults or mistakes any longer. I was too busy trying to change myself into the person you wanted me to be to worry about the person I needed or wanted you to be.

I begged and pleaded for two months for you to give me another chance and you didn’t give me that chance until you found out that I had moved on to someone new. You then cried, laid your pain on me, and made me feel like shit for hurting you even though I moved on only because of your stubborn insistence that I do so. You eventually told me you wanted to try again and swore that you would do whatever it took to make us work. So I broke it off with that woman, and broke her heart. And I’ve felt like shit for doing so ever since.

I, ever gullible and idiotic, took you back despite knowing that you had sex with multiple men during our separation and had inadvertently forwarded a sexually explicit email to one of those men to me and my entire family. And to your family, too. When my friends and family found out we were trying again I was asked what the fuck I was thinking. It was simple, I told them, I loved you. And I did. So fucking much.

We agreed to leave the past in the past and start over. You made me cut off contact with quite a few friends when we got back together. Then I moved out from the house I was sharing with a friend and left him in a financial bind so that we could get our finances in order to resume our life together. I promised him some money, but then couldn’t follow through because of you losing your job when you had to have your hysterectomy. He no longer speaks to me.

I ended up moving in with you and your parents because my father decided to move on a whim and I had no place else to go. For some reason, every bit of progress we had made in the last few months started to deteriorate from that moment on. Your expectations of me became, in my view, unrealistic. I couldn’t meet them. At the end of January, you were finally cleared by your doctor to return to work. You found a job within a couple of weeks and on Valentine’s Day, less than a week after you resumed working, you informed me you no longer wanted to put any effort into our marriage. I felt used and betrayed. How convenient, I thought, that you no longer wanted me around now that you had a source of income again.

I, again, was devastated. I fought your decision for a couple of days. You came home drunk a couple of days later and begged me for an “anger fuck.” You wanted to get laid and I wanted nothing to do with sex just for the sake of sex. I wanted you to love me. I wanted it to mean something. Then, you asked me to make love to you. I told you not to say that unless you meant it, and you told me you did. So I acquiesced.

The next morning nothing had changed. It became apparent that you had lied to me just to get me to fuck you. At that point I lost all respect and love for you. At that point I decided I was finished. I was not going to try to repair this dysfunctional relationship any longer. I decided at that point to move out and to never again ask you to change your mind. At the end of the month, I moved into my own place, and haven’t looked back. The look of disappointment on your parents’ faces (especially your father’s) when I handed them my house key still haunts me.

I’m not too embarrassed to admit that this morning I shed a tear or two when I thought of our divorce. In fact, I bawled. At my desk. At work. I had a headache by the time I was finished. My eyes burned. I wept for the loss my family. I miss belonging to a family. I miss doing things as a family. I miss the sense of family and the sense of security that came with it. I miss knowing that I have someone to come home to everyday no matter how shitty my day was or what things I fucked up. I miss the sense of belonging. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I thought you were.

But I don’t miss you.

You have reached out to me many times in the past few months. You initially asked me to rebuild our relationship. I truly did think about it, but I figured as time wore on you would just become unhappy again and we’d be right where we are again. So I declined. Then you asked me for a friendship. With benefits. That was tempting. Really, really tempting. You came over for dinner and I asked you for your reasons. I asked you why I should agree to this. You have friends, you don’t need my friendship. You’ve never had a problem finding sexual partners, why me? You couldn’t answer any of my questions and it pissed me off. It became clear that you were attempting to manipulate me again so I, again, declined your offer. You have made it clear that you remain available to talk to should I ever have the need. Thank you, but I can assure you, I won’t.

We almost made it 5 years. We made a beautiful child together and I will forever be grateful for that. That child lights up my life. He makes me laugh. His spirit is free and he’s one of the smartest little boys I’ve ever known. He is the spitting image of you and your father. He has an infectious smile and contagious laughter. He, like the twins, is growing up far too quickly.

Thank you for the precious few good times we enjoyed. Thank you for helping me heal from my abusive first marriage. You did it for your own reasons, I think, but you still helped me. Thank you for teaching me the importance of communication. Thank you, most of all, for my son. I hope you find the happiness that has been eluding you your entire life. I hope one day you find peace with your brother’s suicide. I will continue to support AFSP in his honor and in honor of all of the people I know that have attempted suicide and/or suffer from depression. I have never joined a cause before this, and I can think of no more noble a cause to become involved in.

Goodbye. And good luck in whatever endeavors you decide to embrace.

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Discussion

101 thoughts on “Today My World Slipped Away

  1. That’s sad. You should never have to change for anyone, if they don’t love you for who you are then what’s the point. Hopefully one day you will find someone who loves you for being the person that you are :-) x

    Like

    Posted by thegeekyg4mer | August 22, 2013, 12:15 pm
  2. I can’t think of anything to say to make you feel better or make sense of it all, because it all just sucks. Try to be gentle with yourself, though I know that is always easier said then done.

    Sending virtual hugs to you.

    Like

    Posted by NotAPunkRocker | August 22, 2013, 12:16 pm
  3. I was going to say something witty about how jealous I am of you in this moment of your freedom, but seeing that you’re appropriately and justifiably messed up over your day, I’ll just say that your path has been rough, you learned from mistakes and grew past your older self. I’ll take a chance and say for the ‘sphere that we’re all proud of you. Feel better soon, bud.

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | August 22, 2013, 12:20 pm
  4. Wow. Intense. I wish you peace and continued healing.

    Like

    Posted by outlawmama | August 22, 2013, 12:20 pm
  5. I know this is a tough day but I imagine it is the first day of your new life, a place where you can be happy. You deserve that.

    Like

    Posted by ardenrr | August 22, 2013, 12:43 pm
  6. You seem to be taking a good approach to this. If ever you get too sad, just think back to the child. Some good can come out of even the worst situations.

    Like

    Posted by The Cutter | August 22, 2013, 12:47 pm
  7. Hugs, TD. Here’s to moving forward!

    Like

    Posted by jack joseph's mom | August 22, 2013, 12:47 pm
  8. Beautiful, your words, your soul, and for sharing this! Thank you.

    Like

    Posted by anupturnedsoul | August 22, 2013, 12:50 pm
  9. Namaste. Positive energy coming your way. A new chapter.

    Like

    Posted by gnatseyeview | August 22, 2013, 1:00 pm
  10. Oh, man… sniff…

    Like

    Posted by pouringmyartout | August 22, 2013, 1:01 pm
  11. end of a long, rough road.

    But hey, look to your left.
    No, your other left.

    New road. Make it your own.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | August 22, 2013, 1:15 pm
  12. You know I’m here.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | August 22, 2013, 1:16 pm
  13. ((Hugs))) Love ya buddy

    Like

    Posted by overitblogdotcom | August 22, 2013, 1:25 pm
  14. Oh TD, my heart aches for you. I can say I feel your pain, because I have been where you are. Some day, when it doesn’t sting so much, you will find true happiness again, within yourself, regardless of any future relationships.

    You will be stronger, more confident, and appreciate the freedom of just being who you are. You are well on your way to healing, and after all this time of reading about your journey of becoming a better you, I can honestly say you are a beautiful person.

    No matter what happens, even though we don’t banter daily like we have before, I’ll always, ALWAYS be your friend, and you know I am here for you-even though I’m far away. I heart you! :-)

    Like

    Posted by thecheekydiva | August 22, 2013, 1:46 pm
  15. I’m so bad with comments. I never know what to say. In real life, it would look something like, “Awww, *hugs* Rawr! Gah, *sigh* yeah. *hugs*”

    Like

    Posted by rarasaur | August 22, 2013, 3:20 pm
  16. At first, this sounded like exactly the kind of thing my ex would have said about me when we divorced. But you did hit the nail on the head: to make it work takes two people. Marriage shouldn’t be a life sentence to play a puppet to anyone. It will get easier. Just remind yourself that you were together when you were different people, and she doesn’t know you– or deserve to– now that you have become who you are.

    Like

    Posted by UndercoverL | August 22, 2013, 3:22 pm
  17. hugs.

    Like

    Posted by goldfish | August 22, 2013, 4:51 pm
  18. What a brave and emotionally raw post. Well done on getting through the last few months. Heartbreak is totally awful. I am here, as always, if you need me. I think this is the beginning of the end of the hard times and the start of the next phase xxx

    Like

    Posted by stephrogers | August 22, 2013, 5:33 pm
  19. Stay strong. I’m sorry it all happened how it did, but at least you got a wonderful son out of it. Onto honesty and more happiness.

    Like

    Posted by Katie | August 22, 2013, 6:15 pm
  20. This is heartbreaking. From what you wrote, it seems like you’ll be better off, though.
    I hope it hasn’t shattered your view on relationships forever. I have too many friends that’s happened to. :(

    Like

    Posted by DaydreamsinWonderland | August 22, 2013, 6:43 pm
  21. So sorry. What a difficult day. I watched my strong bolsie older sister almost beg for her two timing husband to come back after she threw him out. I also saw my brother crumble and just like you “bawl” when he knew his marriage was over. It was shocking to see, and it has taken both quite some time to recover but and it should be in capitals BUT both are doing really well now. They seem to be really happy once more. I wish the same for you. Take your time and mourn your loss, then I hope you can move on.

    Like

    Posted by tric | August 22, 2013, 7:04 pm
  22. I’m sorry you’re grieving. Here if you need to talk.

    Like

    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | August 22, 2013, 7:54 pm
  23. As befitting a storm trooper, you have traveled far — lightyears, I think. And I believe that you’ve come to know yourself better, and to finally be able to like yourself. To see the good in you. Keep looking for it because it is there in spades.

    I am happy that you have stopped blaming yourself for everything. Because everything is not your fault. Nope. It’s not.

    I am sorry for your broken heart though. It’s a good heart.

    Love to you, TD

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | August 22, 2013, 7:55 pm
  24. Intense with doses of humor. As I read the previous comments, I say … Don’t forget all the positives you got here.

    Like

    Posted by aFrankAngle | August 22, 2013, 8:37 pm
  25. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? No matter how much she hurt you, ending something you truly believed in, hurts nonetheless. Thinking of you. I’m going through something similar and learning how to cope with it. I forget sometimes that others are feeling the same pain I am, and as much as it sucks, at least we know that eventually, it has to get better.

    Like

    Posted by luciddream85 | August 22, 2013, 9:06 pm
  26. Big hugs to you. May you find happiness in your life and may those boys be the light in your life.

    Like

    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | August 22, 2013, 9:40 pm
  27. (((You)))

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | August 22, 2013, 9:49 pm
  28. I am so sorry to hear this. Obviously take time to grieve what you’ve lost, but I think the fact that you can see the good things about your marriage and what became of it shows real emotional strength. I think it’s a good sign of things to come.

    Like

    Posted by rollergiraffe | August 22, 2013, 11:21 pm
  29. ((hugs)) TD.

    Like

    Posted by C.K. Hope | August 23, 2013, 12:37 am
  30. TD – thinking of you, I know it hasn’t been an easy journey and I know it still isn’t. I also can see from your writing that you are dealing with things and not taking responsibility for everything becasue you just can’t. Your boys need you to be the most awesome Dad to them, which I know you are. this chapter is ‘officially’ closed but I know it is still a journey you are making your way through.
    You know where to find me if you ever need x

    Like

    Posted by Daile | August 23, 2013, 2:59 am
  31. Lots of love, TD. And naked hugs. Always a bunch of those.

    Like

    Posted by MissFourEyes | August 23, 2013, 12:35 pm
  32. ((HUGS))

    Like

    Posted by hastywords | August 23, 2013, 4:25 pm
  33. I am glad, that through your personal pain, you are able to see, love, and acknowledge your son and the joy that he has brought to you and your life. It’s trite to say that every cloud has a silver lining or that things happen for a reason, but sometimes, especially when it comes to children and their smiles and ability to live in the present, it is true. Wishing you peace.

    Like

    Posted by dhonour | August 24, 2013, 3:48 pm
  34. Wow! My eyes are filling up, not from sadness, but from the progression you have made over time. Stay true to yourself and you will continue to grow. ((hugs))

    Like

    Posted by Life With The Top Down | August 25, 2013, 11:13 am
  35. I hope you can begin looking to the future, my friend.
    Be well.

    Like

    Posted by The Hook | August 26, 2013, 7:37 pm
  36. Dearest TD,
    A weekend away meant I missed a whole bunch of stuph™ as well as regular stuff.
    Your writing here is so incredibly eloquent and if the now-ex-Mrs-Trooper reads it, I would hope that she reads it as it is intended – a statement of the facts of what happened, a statement of how you felt about the way things happened, and a statement of how you intend to continue to grow and move on.
    Love & hugs & prayers.
    Faith

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | August 29, 2013, 3:28 pm

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