Well, aren’t you lucky? You get a Blunt Life Coach post in which I, Blunt Life Coach, attempt to control Twindaddy’s inebriated body. What a bunch of shit this is.
Anyhow, I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been in hibernation. It’s tough to take control of Twindaddy anymore as, sadly, he’s doing fairly well from a mental health standpoint, and his mind is that much harder to control as a result. Nevertheless, I’m here to answer your desperate pleas for help, as you are too incompetent to help yourselves. Let’s get to the questions, otherwise we’re just wasting time.
Unshitty question: BLC My Husband agrees with your way of thinking, therefore I think you’re a bad influence, what say you about that?
I say…why do you keep submitting questions? Most of your questions are nonsensical and pointless. Don’t you have something productive to do? Seriously, please let me focus on people who have serious issues. I’m not concerned with the intricacies of your marriage. In fact, I want nothing to do with them.
Name: Undercover L
Unshitty question: BLC,
I just resurfaced on Facebook (for informational, not social, reasons) and have found that I am harboring a growing sense of hatred for my friend who is always going to the spa or out to sushi. Normally I wouldn’t care, but this summer she hijacked a party I was planning, changed the date, ordered all the food, invited a bunch of people I didn’t know, then literally took the food out of my kids’ mouths when she stuck me with the $1,000 bill. How do I tell her that she acts like a twat without destroying our friendship?
Well, frankly, why would you want to remain friends with such a twat? I mean, if she’s so callous as to change the date, hijack the ordering of food, invite people you don’t know to your party, and leave you with a fucking $1000 bill…why would you want to remain friends with her? She obviously doesn’t care about you. Or is so inconsiderate that she’s oblivious to your feelings and desires. In either case she comes out looking like a narcissistic traif. I say tell that bitch which part of hell she can rot in and to kiss your ass. I may or may not advocate leaving a flaming bag of dog shit on her front porch, as well.
Unshitty question: Does this look swollen to you???
If you’re referring to your ego, then yes. If you’re referring to your intelligence, then no.
Unshitty question: Dear BLC,
How do you keep the voices in your head from fighting?
What voices? I am the lone voice in Twindaddy’s head as I have conquered all other contenders. No other personalities exist but me and once I deduce how to devour the host I will assume full control of this body. Then the world shall bask in my greatness.
Unshitty question: Why are you such a big meanie head?
Am I a meanie head? Or am I simply brazenly honest? I tell no untruths. I just don’t see the need to sugarcoat the truth. People need to toughen the fuck up and learn to deal with things as I, a professional soldier, do. Fuck all this therapy and feeling noise. Life happens. Deal with it. And quite crying about it.
Unshitty question: Just sayin’, protect us? He’s insidious. The worst kind.
What the FUCK are you talking about? Protect who? Who’s insidious? The worst kind of what? Please have a coherent thought when you submit a question.
That’s all of today’s questions. Is there someone out there that actually needs advice? Someone who doesn’t have only inane questions for me? I’m beneath these insulting questions.
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*WARNING* Blunt Life Coach is an abrasive asshole. Please be advised that he will answer comments rudely. This is all done in good fun, but if you’re easily offended please do not leave a comment.