Well, this week’s writing challenge is right up my alley! Wow, that doesn’t sound good at all. Anyhow, this week’s challenge is all about advice columns. As you all know, we have a very special guest here who occasionally stops by to dispense his wisdom (that’s what he calls it) so I invited him back sooner than I normally would to link up to this challenge.
It’s that time, bitches! Time for a dose of candid reality courtesy of me, Blunt Life Coach. Hopefully this week’s questions are actually from people seeking advice and not another collection of asinine questions from morons attempting to goad me into murderous rage. I’ll blast a bitch if it comes to it, but this is neither the time or place for it. People deserve my wisdom and they shall have it. Let’s open this week’s mail bag, shall we?
Unshitty question: Dear BLC,
I think you must be related to the Grinch, before his heart grew. Are you green and ugly?
Ugh. It’s you again. Don’t you need advice on something? Perhaps on how not to ask annoying questions? I’m going to pretend that’s what you asked…and here’s your answer. Look into the mirror and ask yourself the question you wish to submit. After you’ve asked yourself said question are you left scratching your head and wondering what the idiot talking to you is rambling about? If so, do not submit that question here. Or anywhere, really. It’s not fit for human consumption.
If you happen to submit a question again (don’t), ensure the question is one seeking advice and not some adolescent attempt to insult me. You’ll never best the master and your juvenile attempts are not even worthy of response.
Unshitty question: Hey, where is the answer to my question dammit? I had a couple of them, as I recall.
What question? You recall incorrectly. The question above is the first question you have ever asked me. You seem to be having a lot of trouble with getting questions submitted, how to submit them, and making them coherent. So, whatever your question may actually be, I’m sure the answer is this:
Unshitty question: umm… Do you even listen to yourself when you talk? NO! Because you aren’t talking, you are typing, and all you would hear is click click click click click click click…
But despair not, oh foul-spirited one… if I know one thing about depression… and believe me, I do… then the body which you seek to inhabit will once again succumb to your oozy embrace… I hope you are happy with yourself, you slithering succubus, you virulent vampire, you sucker of lost souls!
What. The. Fuck. I think there’s some semblance of a coherent idea buried somewhere within that clusterfuck of words, but you have cloaked meaning behind a tightly woven web of absurdity. So, bravo? By the way, Art, the proofreading tool is pointing out copious amounts of errors in…whatever that is that you submitted. Stop sucking at grammar.
Also, your man-crush on Twindaddy is quite disturbing. Could you find some other prey? As much as I find joy in anything that makes his life difficult, it’s creeping even me out.
Unshitty question: Yeah, insidious. How did you know? Who the fuck are you?
What’s insidious? How did I know what? Perhaps you might include an entire thought in one of these submissions so I can properly answer them instead of being left bewildered and wondering what the fuck you’re talking about.
Also, I am Blunt Life Coach…
Unshitty question: Also, just for the record, acronyms irritate the shit out me. GFY
Oh, good form. I suppose you think you’re terribly clever by telling me how much you hate acronyms and then using one. Irony at it’s finest. Sadly, this is the first time you submitted anything that made complete sense.
That’s all the questions we have for today, folks, and they sucked. I apologize for that. I can only work with what I’m given. It’s actually quite fitting that these questions were asked and answered on Halloween, as the total lack of intelligence contained in these questions is positively frightening. Perhaps next week’s mailbag will more fruitful. And less shitty.
Do you need advice from Blunt Life Coach? If so, submit a question below!
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*WARNING* Blunt Life Coach is an abrasive asshole. Please be advised that he will answer comments rudely. This is all done in good fun, but if you’re easily offended please do not leave a comment.