It’s time again for me to shove Twindaddy aside and take the reigns of his fleshy form to answer the call of those unfortunate fools who desperately need my advice. Twindaddy has been inundated with requests for my presence recently, so you could say he had his arm virtually twisted into letting me write the post. Let’s reach right into this grab-bag full of stupid, shall we?
Here is what I need advice for…: Yesterday I drank this stuff and I got really really small and then today I ate some cake and I got really GIANT. Like, what is going on? Do you think I should stop with the LSD?
First things first. Get out of the fucking rabbit hole. Haven’t you had your fill of that fucked up place? Mad Hatters? Magical cats? Bitchy queens calling for everyone’s heads? I’m afraid if you get sober you’ll develop another death-crush on me, so I say keep on doing LSD, but just get your ass out of Wonderland.
Here is what I need advice for…: Dearest Blunt Life Coach,
While my affections for you steadily grow so does my concern, so as your dearest kindest and bestest friend, I’m going to ask you if you’ve ever considered therapy or a phychiatrist? It seems to me you’re somewhat bitter and angry. Do you need a hug?
You’re like a persistent itch that won’t go away. Like that rash in an unmentionable area (not that I’d know anything about that). Like that zit at the very tip of the nose. In other words, you’re annoying and won’t go away! Yes, I’m bitter and angry because you keep annoying the piss out of me. And you had better not be developing affections for me. I just rid myself of one deranged stalker and I have no need for another. Oh, I have two more words for you: spell check. Learn it. Love it. Use it.
Here is what I need advice for…: Do you have an girlfriend?
What is wrong with you people? This is an advice column! Quit fucking around and ask real damned questions! Do you have a girlfriend? Would you like a couch to lay on? Would you like me to analyze you? Here’s my advice: ASK BETTER QUESTIONS!
Here is what I need advice for…: But why?
That’s not even a complete sentence. There’s no subject. No predicate. No verb. Why what? I’m an intelligent being, but not a mystical one. I can’t read your mind. The Force is not with me. For future reference, when you wish to submit a question type the entire sentence before clicking the submit button. Stop failing.
Name: Revis Edgewater
Here is what I need advice for…: How are you supposed to find the answers to people’s questions when you can’t even find the droids you’re looking for?
Twindaddy is the nincompoop who can’t find the droids he’s looking for, but that isn’t his fault (this time). A search is not required for me to answer these questions because a) they’re all mostly inane questions inquiring about hugs and girlfriends and b) all of the answers are locked safely away in my immense cranium. No research required to answer real or idiotic questions.
Well that’s all the questions we have for today, thankfully. I don’t know if I could have survived another dumb ass question.
Blunt Life Coach, signing out.
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*WARNING* Blunt Life Coach is an abrasive asshole. Please be advised that he will answer comments rudely. This is all done in good fun, but if you’re easily offended please do not leave a comment.