It’s been a minute since I wrote a Hero of the Moment post, mostly because I don’t much follow the news any more. However, someone shared a link on Facebook yesterday, leading to this post.
Alison Whelan, a 51-year old Brit, had a grand 48 hours of drinking and eating deadly nightshade, a known hallucinogen. After her two-day long soiree, she boarded a 45-foot ferry, undid the moorings, and set sail. Kinda…
Yes, she basically stole a ferry whilst drunk, high, and hallucinating.
After she undid the mooring the ferry drifted with the river’s tide, smashing into other boats “like a pinball machine”. From the article:
Whelan taunted police, shouting: “What are you going to do now?” and “I believe this is out of your jurisdiction!”
Thirty police, a lifeboat crew, Coastguards and paramedics had to be called.
And when the cops finally arrested her after an hour when the ferry came to rest in calm water, she told them: “We’d have ended up in St Tropez if we hadn’t been caught.”
Now, you are more than likely wondering if I’m drunk and high for asserting that this woman is a hero. Well, you may be right, but hear me out. The reason this woman is my Hero of the Moment is because from the moment she undid the moorings to the time she was apprehended she continually shouted, “I’m Jack Sparrow! I’m a pirate!”
This is a level of hilarity I’ll likely never achieve in my life. To be clear, I do not condone stealing boats, ferries, or any other type of vehicle, but if you’re going to do it, claiming to be Jack Sparrow while doing so is fucking awesomesauce.
Jack Sparrow is among one of my favorite fictional characters and were I to ever engage in piratical activity, I would most certainly emulate the “worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.”
So here’s to you, Alison Whelan. Sure, you were jailed 122 days for aggravated vehicle taking (she wasn’t aggravated, she was drunk…and high), but I deem that consequence worthy of the “crime.” You may take solace in the fact that you are now a part of Stuphblog’s wall of shame.