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I Lost A Friend Today

Last night I went looking for a friend on Facebook so I could send her a message. She wasn’t there. I then searched her profile, brought it up, and saw a button which said, “Add to Friends.”

Dafuq?

I suppose everyone has seen or heard about this. It’s a sad, unfortunate clusterfuck of a situation, and yet another instance which further strengthens my resolve to secede from humanity. I struggled with the decision to comment on that post as I don’t really like drama and I don’t usually get involved in causes. However, I had heard firsthand from many other people about how much they had been hurt by this man, and I felt it was the right thing to do to speak up for myself (as I had also been crossed by him) and those who had confided in me. People, in my lowly opinion, had a right to know what they were getting into if they decided to get involved with him. So I shoved aside my fear and commented.

This, evidently, displeased my friend.

I reached out to her and asked her why she was no longer my friend, though I had my suspicions what the answer would be. “Unfortunately, I have seen a side of people I don’t like,” she responded. I asked her to elaborate, just so I could be certain which side of me she had seen that she didn’t like. What it boils down to is this: she said she respects my position on the issue, but doesn’t like what’s happening right now and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Translation: I agree with your assessment of the situation, but you shouldn’t have publicly said anything about it.

I get that her friend is devastated right now. Over 100 people came out and shared similar stories of harassment and mistreatment by this same man. The response to this post was overwhelming. I also get her wanting to stick by her friend’s side. That’s what a good friend does. A good friend sticks by you through thick and thin, despite what kind of things you fucked up. I respect her decision to stick by her friend in the face of everything that’s come to light in the last week. What I don’t get is blind loyalty. Were this man still my friend, I would definitely stick by him provided he admitted his faults and sought treatment for them. I would also not spurn those who came forward with their stories of injustice. Though a few people did get carried away with insults, most of the people who shared their stories did so respectfully while congratulating the post’s author for her bravery.

I was afraid that speaking up would have consequences. And though I expected them, I’m still disappointed. The friend I lost is one of the kindest, gentlest, and wisest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I hope one day, when this is all water under the bridge, that we can become friends again, and I told her so. I’m saddened by her loss. She had been someone I reached out to in the past, and had always, ALWAYS let me know that her door was open to me. But that door is now closed.

For now, I’m still saddened by this entire situation. What a sad, sad time for everyone involved.

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About Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

Discussion

95 thoughts on “I Lost A Friend Today

  1. It sucks losing a friend, man. I hope things work out for y’all.

    Like this

    Posted by Fearless Leader | January 18, 2014, 7:04 am
  2. Oh my BFFFL. Sending massive hugs. You know how to reach me if you need to. I respect your position (was that paragraph written for me?) And I hope you can respect mine. I don’t turn my back on my friends, and you’ll always be my dearest friend xx

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    Posted by stephrogers | January 18, 2014, 7:11 am
  3. “Unfortunately, I have seen a side of people I don’t like,” It appears you could say the same about her. Hopefully she’ll recognize this and make peace.

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    Posted by Life With The Top Down | January 18, 2014, 7:13 am
  4. I am so sorry, TD. (Hugs)

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    Posted by merbear74 | January 18, 2014, 7:35 am
  5. I’m sorry, TD. I’ve been reading all of this and can’t help but think it was necessary to know the truth. I’m also saddened by it all and sad by the results. I’m mostly new around here, but I was enjoying meeting so many new people and it’s disheartening to see the divide. I have to say though, if you stick by your friends no matter what, shouldn’t that also apply to you?

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    Posted by My Muted Voice | January 18, 2014, 7:39 am
  6. Sorry you lost a friend. Thank you for speaking up. Soon I hope we can get this behind us, and get back to writing.

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    Posted by aliceatwonderland | January 18, 2014, 8:04 am
  7. Pushes a Guinness over the bar! I drew a smiley face in the foam.
    Things have a funny way of working out, but the usually do.

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    Posted by The Indecisive Eejit | January 18, 2014, 8:06 am
  8. Sorry to hear this TD it is sad indeed.

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    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | January 18, 2014, 8:14 am
  9. This whole thing sucks and has affected so many people, I feel for everyone caught up in the clusterfuck of this situation- and I’m sorry that you lost a friend. Making a stand sometimes, doesn’t come easy.

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    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 18, 2014, 8:40 am
  10. It’s sad when people feel like they have to draw a line in the sand and choose a side.

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    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | January 18, 2014, 8:43 am
  11. That really sucks, TD (I guess that’s the right term, eh?). Friends, including the virtual ones, are so precious, but it’s also so important to stand up for things. I don’t know if it’s any consolation (I suspect it’s not much of one), but the fact that you spoke up increased my respect for you, and by that you’ve at least gained a friend (however new and odd).

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    Posted by Trent Lewin | January 18, 2014, 8:57 am
  12. I’m really sorry. It leaves a heavy feeling in your heart, doesn’t it?

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    Posted by climbing bean | January 18, 2014, 9:11 am
  13. Wow, I had no diea of what happened… Disturbing. Sorry to hear that it cost you a friend, though it might just show what kind of person you’re dealing with. It’s never good to lose a friend unless that friend becomes a person that affects you negatively. I don’t know about this friend, but I’m sorry that she couldn’t deal with you speaking your mind.

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    Posted by No Blog Intended | January 18, 2014, 9:17 am
  14. I really feel I should know what;s going on as others have hinted at this as well. But oh well, I guess ignorance is bliss. Sorry you had to lose a friend out of it.

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    Posted by The Cutter | January 18, 2014, 9:38 am
  15. Sorry man… this is going to turn into one huge, inflamed, pus-filled pimple on the backside of blog world.

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    Posted by pouringmyartout | January 18, 2014, 10:04 am
  16. You’re my new friend. And what a sympathetic, genuine person you are (despite your menacing gravatar!)

    Maybe we don’t see eye to eye on this, I don’t know. I don’t care. Maybe we won’t see eye to eye on other issues.

    But until you fucking personally STICK ME in the eye with something, you and me, we’re good – the way I see it.

    I’m really sorry you lost a friend over this. At least you didn’t get an email accusing you of being a “cyber cumbucket” hahaha. I think I’m going to put THAT in my “About” page! (yes, I’m finally starting to emerge from the darkness, as you can see!).

    Like this

    Posted by samara | January 18, 2014, 10:24 am
    • Yay! I’m glad you’re feeling better! I have other friends who disagree with me on this whole situation and you know what? We’re still cool. Oh, well.

      No I haven’t been called a cyber cumbucket, and I would be happy to take the fucking cowards who called you that to task, as I have for another blogger who got hatemail recently for doing nothing but finding success.

      Like this

      Posted by Twindaddy | January 18, 2014, 10:37 am
      • Cyber cumbucket is kinda hot. I’ve decided.

        And it’s not attached to a blog, so there’s no knowing who sent it. Who cares???

        I guess it may have something to do with some of the err, provocative nature of 1 or 2 posts, but I am who I am. I write what I write. If people want to draw conclusions based on that, eff em.

        I wrote those posts, incidentally, at the advice of my mentor, who kept urging me to always write what I felt, my truth, whatever it was, wherever I was feeling. So there you have it. Good advice, and I shall stand by it.

        I’m sorry your friend got hatemail for success. Heinous, that is.

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        Posted by samara | January 18, 2014, 10:48 am
  17. I am so sorry to read all of this! I have been under a pity-party rock for a while and happened to crawl out into this maelstrom…

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    Posted by AR Neal | January 18, 2014, 10:28 am
  18. wow. that’s a whole lot of drama going on. you did the right thing.

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    Posted by icescreammama | January 18, 2014, 10:47 am
  19. Well that answers my question when I saw that he had stopped posting.

    A sad situation, all around.

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    Posted by Elyse | January 18, 2014, 11:38 am
  20. I don’t have anything else to say, but I’m so sorry :( *hugs*

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    Posted by wannabepoet | January 18, 2014, 11:51 am
  21. I am not sure what the drama is here, but I have a feeling I might, since we visit a few of the same blogs. The blogosphere is different from the real world, and a difference of opinion can end relationships faster online than out here where we breathe air. Online, someone can block you and leave you hanging without any recourse. To lose someone you considered a friend is unfortunate. I hope you won’t lose sleep over it.

    I have seen drama online more than once. One blog I followed asked anyone who followed another blogger to make a choice between the two of them. And sometimes people are just mean to other people for no obvious reason, other than they can.

    I hate drama. Sorry you were sucked into the vortex.

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    Posted by Robin | January 18, 2014, 12:34 pm
    • Well, I choose to enter it as I felt it was the right thing to do. To let my voice be heard along with the others who were speaking out against someone who had been hurting people for a long time and getting away with it.

      As I said, I knew there would be consequences, but I guess I was still kinda holding out hope that there wouldn’t be any.

      Like this

      Posted by Twindaddy | January 18, 2014, 12:48 pm
  22. You already know I know how you feel. I read about this situation last night. I don’t know either person well enough to take sides but, I have to say I feel for Rae for being a victim of abuse. I just try to steer clear of drama-ridden situations such as this. I was wondering when a dramafest like this would end up in our community & here it is. (It was all too good here to be true. I knew someone or something would wreck it.)
    All I can really say is I definitely consider you my friend & if you say that said person needs help…they probably do. I trust your word quite a bit.

    I’m really sorry you had to lose a friend in the process. *Hugs*
    You still have one here.

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    Posted by DaydreamsInWonderland | January 18, 2014, 1:03 pm
  23. Reblogged this on The Pretty Canary.

    Like this

    Posted by toopretty12 | January 18, 2014, 2:16 pm
  24. Sorry TD, it’s been an… well interesting time with all that has happened.

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    Posted by Gabriel | January 18, 2014, 4:16 pm
  25. I think someone who will judge you for doing something that you think is right, isn’t a real friend.

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    Posted by Nicki Daniels | January 18, 2014, 9:56 pm
  26. Hear me now, Twindaddy – and everyone else..

    THIS SITUATION IS NO FAULT OF OURS. TAKING SIDES AND GEARING UP FOR WAR IS CHILDISH AND THOSE WHO HAVE ENGAGED IN THIS BEHAVIOR SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. EVERYONE NEEDS TO CARRY ON AS USUAL AND STOP THROWING STONES AND ASSIGNING BLAME.

    I can’t speak for anyone else, but i started blogging to share my thought son my job with the world. I love writing and the friendships I’ve forged virtually have been a wonderful bonus, but get real, people! This situation is between Le Clown and Rachel. Yes, others have similar stories to share but once again, the rest of us do not need to get involved!

    Okay? Let’s get back to work and start smiling again, folks!

    Like this

    Posted by The Hook | January 19, 2014, 8:12 am
    • Actually, Hook, this situation is not just between Eric and Rachel. If you read the post you’ll read about TWO different bloggers wronged. Her post gave all the people who he had wronged the courage to speak up for themselves. And the things revealed needed to come to light.

      On the rest, I agree with you. Anyone drawing lines in the sand is plain wrong. Anyone sending vitriol towards those who have spoken out or those who chose to remain silent are just as guilty.

      I would love for all of this to be over and for things to go back to normal, whatever normal is.

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      Posted by Twindaddy | January 19, 2014, 8:28 am
    • I’m sorry, Hook, but I can’t agree with this. It sounds a little too much like “hey, let’s just sweep this thing under the rug.” Not going to happen. People, many, many people have been silent about the hurt inflicted too long. I was one of them. There are many more, including twindaddy, whose post you are writing on now. Some people were so tortured by this guy, they shut down their own blogs, places that should have been safe for them. I don’t condone sending hate mail to anyone, but no one should be shamed into shutting up and getting over it.

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      Posted by aliceatwonderland | January 19, 2014, 10:37 am
      • I understand. I’m merely trying to stay out of the fray as much as possible.
        Sorry if I offended you.

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        Posted by The Hook | January 19, 2014, 10:47 am
        • No, you didn’t offend me. I just wanted to clarify that this isn’t just an us vs them thing – I spoke up because I was hurt. I will also speak up when my friends are hurt. But I don’t blame people for wanting to stay out of controversy. It’s a mess.

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          Posted by aliceatwonderland | January 19, 2014, 10:52 am
      • Yep, you’re right. I talked to one, and found out that hate mail was sent from the “innocent mob”, i.e., if I understand it right, this blogger was attacked just for having been associated on the wrong side, in the past.

        I think that’s terrible and evil.

        I was also involved in this mess, completely unwittingly, and I’m still dealing with the fallout on it– I’m not quite sure what I said or did wrong, only that I froze up (because I’ve dealt with this sort of abuse myself, many times) and I hesitated.

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        Posted by jaklumen | January 19, 2014, 1:21 pm
        • Sigh…go away drama. We don’t want you any more.

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          Posted by Twindaddy | January 19, 2014, 2:20 pm
        • Jak, seriously. If that’s true, I would ask that person for proof, as I posted publicly the hate mail I was receiving. There is no “innocent mob”. No one is “on my side” per se. I am my own person, I do not create mobs.

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          Posted by Calamity Rae | January 21, 2014, 9:38 am
          • I wasn’t asserting that you created or catalyzed any such thing– and the person I speak of I do consider an online friend, as I do you. There is a relationship of trust there, and I take this person at their word, for now.

            I worked with a therapist on recalibrating my sense of trust, for about a year. One big thing was learning again to trust people by degrees, instead of the all or none sort of trust I’d developed from my trauma. For now, I think it’s okay to trust this blogger by degrees, and will adjust that as circumstances suggest.

            Like this

            Posted by jaklumen | January 21, 2014, 9:44 pm
  27. I am obviously far out of the loop here, and am not sure what/who/where/when, but having read the comments, I get a bit of an idea. Remain true to yourself and those you love. Those are the only things in life you can control to any degree.

    Like this

    Posted by dhonour | January 20, 2014, 3:04 pm

We don't tolerate scum.

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