About these ads
Life

Never Say Always

Twice in my life I have stood in front of family and friends and made very public promises that I would love and cherish another person for the rest of my life. Twice in my life I have had another person stand in front of their family and friends and promise to be there with me, through better or worse, until death do us part.

All four of those promises have been broken. My first wife broke her promise by emotionally, verbally, and, occasionally, physically abusing me. I broke my promise to her by refusing to put up with it any longer. My second wife broke her promise to me by deciding not to stick by me when I fell into a depressive state in which I neglected her needs. I broke mine by refusing her advances after she came to the realization that she had, in her opinion, made a mistake.

I have made promises to other people along the way. I have told friends that I would always be there for them through thick and thin. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I have your back. 

Sadly, life gets in the way. People change. Circumstances change. Emotions change. Always in motion is the future. Nobody can predict what life will throw at us. Just because you look into the future and don’t see any circumstance that would make you break your promise doesn’t mean that any such circumstance doesn’t exist. I have broken more promises in the last year than I care to admit and it has taught me to no longer make promises. I feel shame, utter shame, for the promises I have broken. I surely never meant to make promises I couldn’t keep, but that doesn’t absolve me from the mistakes I made in making them.

There is an old saying: never say never. The idea behind that saying is that you can never predict where life will take you and you should never rule out the possibility that you’ll do something that you wouldn’t consider doing in that very moment. For instance, after my first marriage ended I told everyone who would listen that I’d never get married again. Then I fell in love with my second wife. After the twins were born I said I’d never have another child. Then I married my second wife and had a third child. I once swore that I’d never wear flip-flops. They were ugly. Then I bought a pair to wear for a trip to Myrtle Beach and realized I enjoyed the laziness of putting on flip-flops over the annoying task of putting on shoes and socks. Hell, there was a time as a teenager when I swore I would never drink alcohol. I think we all know how that one turned out.

So I have learned to never say never. I have also learned to never say always. I no longer make promises to anybody. Even the simplest promise, born from the kindest place in your heart, can lead to heartache if you fail to follow through with it. Nothing is guaranteed. Absolutely nothing. This is a lesson I have learned the hard way. I have hurt people I never, ever dreamed of hurting. The hurt I have caused them has, in turn, caused me indescribable pain.

So, please, beware with your words. Your intentions may be pure, but the consequences could be dire.

About these ads

About Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

Discussion

93 thoughts on “Never Say Always

  1. In the heat of the moment we mean those things – but you’re right – we just don’t know…

    Like

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | January 22, 2014, 9:42 am
  2. Gah, TD, must you be this intense, this articulate, so early in the morning? Who once said the only thing permanent is impermanence?
    I can’t ever fall in love the way I did with my kid’s father (lyrics to yesterday’s song, “love disfigured me”) but I fall in love, to some degree with everyone, all the time – knowing that I will probably get hurt.
    And I continue to make promises. I’m an idiot.

    Like

    Posted by samara | January 22, 2014, 9:52 am
  3. Wisdom bomb right there. My motto is generally under-promise, over-deliver. None of us can predict the future though and it is important to forgive yourself and others when things change or go in directions that you can’t anticipate.

    Like

    Posted by RFL | January 22, 2014, 9:56 am
  4. Good insight TD but remember there is so much about life that is out of control especially where other peoples choices, feeling and reactions are concerned. Don’t beat yourself up too much. live and learn right?

    I wrote a piece about this sort of thing. I just started to realize that every time I said “always” or “never”, I was ignoring a want/need/feeling and actually working against myself. Does that make sense???? I will share the link to the post with you. If you choose to read it please know it was one of the first things I wrote so go easy on me! I

    http://tdawneightyone.wordpress.com/2013/10/22/i-will-never-d…n-her-twenties/

    Like

    Posted by T. Dawn | January 22, 2014, 9:57 am
  5. totally. there is no never, and unfortunately, there generally is no always. absolutes are hard. i say, never think you’d never do something. you have no way of knowing what life’s circumstances await.. good or bad. as for always, i say, always do your best and that’s the best you can do.

    Like

    Posted by icescreammama | January 22, 2014, 10:06 am
  6. I believe Shakespeare said, “Expectation is the root of all heartache.” Promises definitely lead to expectations. I was always taught, never make a promise you can’t keep. Well I don’t trust myself to keep many promises so they are seldom spoken.

    Life lessons are hard, but at least we’re learning.

    {{hugs}}

    Like

    Posted by Sarah Brekke | January 22, 2014, 10:12 am
  7. TD, you need to cut yourself some serious slack. I don’t read every post and I don’t know all the dotted i’s and crossed t’s of your past, but you come across as a pretty genuine, sympathetic, empathetic person who cares about people, your kids, and your friends. So either you are psychopathically and pathologically good at portraying that in an online persona in order to get sympathy, (wouldn’t be the first), or you need to cut yourself some slack. I vote for the latter. We ALL hurt people, often the ones we love the most. We’ve all broken promises. But the thing about love is that it expands. When you love someone, when you put your heart and soul in their arms for safekeeping, sure, you’re taking a risk. But the benefits outweigh the risks. And when that person hurts you inadvertently, the love that you have stretches out to patch up the holes so that it is whole again. That’s what love does. You have that for your kids, I’ve seen it in the way you write about them. So have some breakfast and give yourself an extra helping of slack with it.

    Like

    Posted by dhonour | January 22, 2014, 10:20 am
    • Wow. I don’t even know how to respond to this. No, I’m not fishing for sympathy. It annoys me when people do that.

      I don’t know how to cut myself any slack, either. I’ve made mistakes and now I need to learn from them. I’m not going to ignore the fact that I made them or the damaged caused. Especially when some of those mistakes are thrown in my face. I accept responsibility for those blunders. This post is my way of conveying that.

      Like

      Posted by Twindaddy | January 22, 2014, 10:41 am
      • I know you don’t fish for sympathy, I think you’re too hard on yourself. Yes, learning from mistakes is good. But think about this too: if someone is hell bent on continuing to throw your mistakes back in your face, it is for no other reason than to make themselves feel better or to make you feel worse. And that, in and of itself, is a mistake–on their part. And so it all goes around. Don’t be so hard on yourself, man!

        Like

        Posted by dhonour | January 22, 2014, 10:45 am
  8. In the end, you’re a little older and a little wiser.
    Every one of those promises was sincere at the time it was made.
    And sometimes, the other person changes and isn’t the person you made the promise to.

    Just be you. People will take that your character as more reassuring then anything you could say.
    As far as I know, it’s a good character.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | January 22, 2014, 10:29 am
  9. I have nothing I can add to your post, other than one of my favorite songs of the 80’s…

    Like

    Posted by evilsquirrel13 | January 22, 2014, 10:33 am
  10. I understand where you’re coming from, especially when wanting not to hurt others. But some part of me can’t shake the feeling that this is an easy-way-out argument – perhaps, a way to not have to commit to something or someone ever. And there’s a solid argument for not committing if one knows that doesn’t work for them. But I believe that “always” is not only possible but probable whenever one is dealing with a situation entirely in their own control. I can decide I will always love my children, for example, that nothing they do to anyone or to me will change that. Good luck finding or creating a circumstance that would change that for me. See what I’m saying?

    Like

    Posted by T. D. Davis | January 22, 2014, 10:41 am
  11. Always smart to be aware of the consequences of your words. They can be just as powerful as any action. They can move worlds. They can change lives.

    Like

    Posted by djmatticus | January 22, 2014, 11:15 am
  12. I always never say always… no… wait… I never say always… no… I never always say never or always…

    Like

    Posted by pouringmyartout | January 22, 2014, 11:26 am
  13. I also think you should go easier on yourself. Both the promises you made were more or less obviated by the broken ones by others. They fucked up, not you.

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | January 22, 2014, 11:40 am
  14. Twindaddy, is it bad that I just want to sit down and play some Scrabble and not think about the weight of the topic?

    Like

    Posted by denmother | January 22, 2014, 12:27 pm
  15. I think we should always mean what we say, which why we should do our best to choose our words carefully. But in the end, we are all human beings. And I think a lot of us have a hard time dealing with the fallibility of ourselves and others.

    Like

    Posted by Calamity Rae | January 22, 2014, 12:34 pm
  16. Always and never are like forever; impossible, because all things come to an end.
    Promises are a sticky business, even when you just promise to try. But I think there’s a reason why we promise ourselves and others even when we are aware on some level that “always in motion the future is”. Not sure what the reason is, though. Haven’t lived long enough yet, and the human heart is a complicated thing.

    Like

    Posted by bardictale | January 22, 2014, 12:50 pm
  17. Gosh, this post is extremely sad. No one is perfect.

    I give a heartfelt I will do my best, and even that falls short. You are a really good person, dear.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | January 22, 2014, 1:05 pm
  18. Oh TD, I can so appreciate what you’re saying. I think about those same things all the time. I think you have a point that we could be more careful with what we say. We don’t have to make such promises to be a good friend. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” is a phrase that always seems to haunt me. Anyway, I’m sorry if you’re sad/blue as was indicated in some of the comments. If there’s ever anything I can do, let me know. We can set up those free skype therapy sessions. ;-)

    Like

    Posted by My Muted Voice | January 22, 2014, 2:15 pm
  19. I told my Hubby three times before we were married that it would never be between us. That’s where I learned the lesson. It still hurts him to this day when he thinks of it.

    Like

    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | January 22, 2014, 4:05 pm
  20. Almost everything I swore I’d never do, I end up doing. But it was more like ‘I will never wear black!’ (I was 15. By 16 I wore but black.) I started being afraid of saying I’d never do something as I seem to break all those promises…
    That’s also one of the things scaring me about marriages indeed. You can just never know what will happen, so you actually shouldn’t pretend you can know such things perhaps…?

    Like

    Posted by No Blog Intended | January 22, 2014, 4:33 pm
  21. Human interaction is such an imperfect science, largely because of the fallibility of humans as Calamity Rae says. As the saying goes life has to be lived forward but is only understood looking back ad as such you can only do your best at the time with what you have and know.

    Like

    Posted by the curtain raiser | January 22, 2014, 4:45 pm
  22. TD, I don’t know you well but I know, from reading your pieces, that you are very in tune to your emotions and open to learning about yourself. Trust in that.

    Like

    Posted by dentaleggs | January 22, 2014, 4:50 pm
  23. Twindaddy,
    You’ve never lied tome, so you can take pride in that fact.
    Be well, buddy.
    The Hook.

    Like

    Posted by The Hook | January 22, 2014, 7:01 pm
  24. Good plan!

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | January 22, 2014, 9:08 pm
  25. Sorry, TD! I’m late to this post and have nothing original to tell you, but wanted to hop on and give you my support. If it helps at all, we all do those promises at one time(S) or another. It’s part of the human experience. A learning experience. xoxo

    Like

    Posted by bethteliho | January 22, 2014, 10:25 pm
  26. When we say things like “never” and “always”, we really mean “never”/”always” if our life’s circumstances are frozen from this moment on and nothing else changes in our life. Unfortunately, it’s usually not a realistic assumption.

    Like

    Posted by List of X | January 22, 2014, 11:56 pm
  27. I couldn’t agree with this post more. Very well said. No one knows what tomorrow brings, heck I don’t even know what I’ll be doing tonight! I really like that; never say always.

    Like

    Posted by wannabepoet | January 23, 2014, 7:20 am
  28. I prefer to always say never.

    Like

    Posted by hastywords | January 24, 2014, 11:44 am
  29. And then sometimes I do

    Like

    Posted by hastywords | January 24, 2014, 11:45 am

We don't tolerate scum.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

About these ads

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Out of the Darkness

Please click here to donate

Support #rawrLove

Click the pic to see how you can buy this and other #rawrLove products and support our beloved Rawra.

Support Our Bloggers!

Blog for Mental Health

Blog for Mental Health

Follow Twindaddy!

Twindaddy on Twitter! Twindaddy on G+!

Bloglovin’!

Follow on Bloglovin

Don't have enough junk in your email? Not to worry, we can help! Click the link below to have even more stuph sent to your inbox.

Join 4,446 other followers

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,446 other followers

%d bloggers like this: