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Customer Service Fails

Customer Service Fails: I Don’t Have Nothin’!

One of the true facts (as opposed to a false fact) I revealed about myself in my 5 Truths and a Lie game was that I once tackled a shoplifter who stole only a bra. I promised to tell that story, and here is where I deliver. Yes, the story is a bit late, so you will get it on the house.

The Setting

I was working at the Mecca (shout out to Evil Squirrel!), naturally. It was my first day as a Customer Service Manager after years of being a Department Manager. I was speaking to a customer at the service desk about a situation I can no longer recall. I’m sure that person was trying to pull a fast one on us by attempting to return something that was not bought at our store. Without a receipt. And making a scene. Because customers are assholes like that. I digress.

The Story

As I was speaking to the customer about…whatever it was…the store’s Loss Prevention Officer shouted at me from the other side of the service desk. That side of the service desk was where the entrance to the store was.

“C’mon!” he commanded while waving me towards him with both hands. He then bolted for the entrance.

I knew immediately that we were about to apprehend a shoplifter. He wouldn’t have been so animated otherwise.

I broke into a run and followed him through the entrance where he whipped out his badge and confronted an older gentleman with a shaggy beard, unkept hair, and clothes that looked like they hadn’t been washed in ages. The LP officer stood between the older gentleman and the entrance and the older gentleman turned to face him, so I stepped behind the “alleged” shoplifter in case he decided to try a daring escape. Or something.

The LP officer repeatedly asked the gentleman to follow him back into the store, but the guy continually refused his requests. The gentleman wasn’t impressed with the badge, and actually seemed a bit incoherent. In short, the dude was a few fries short of a happy meal.

After a couple of minutes of fruitlessly trying to convince the gentleman to willing accompany him back into the store, the LP officer snatched the gentleman’s wrist and the struggle had commenced.

The LP officer bent forward, and tried to wrap his arms around the gentleman’s waist. I’m not sure what he was trying to accomplish. The, in all likelihood high, gentleman was, to his credit, able to keep the LP officer at bay with outstretched arms on both of the LP officer’s shoulders.

He evidently had forgotten about me.

It took me a second to react, honestly. Every other time I’d ever confronted a shoplifter with our LP officer prior to this moment the shoplifter would cooperate because it was always two against one. FYI, those aren’t good odds if you’re the one.

After my moment of indecision, I snapped back into the moment and quickly realized we needed to get this guy to the ground so he could be handcuffed. Without even really thinking about it, my arms snapped out and my hands grasped the gentleman by his shoulders. I then threw him bodily to the ground.

He landed on his side, but I couldn’t immediately get him turned on to his belly so we could cuff his hands behind his back. The gentleman then began to loudly proclaim his innocence. He didn’t have nothing, except for poor grammar, obviously. While we struggled to cuff him he was able to reach into his pocket and pull out a maroon bra, complete with tags and packaging, and toss it away.

“See? I don’t got nothin’!”

Dumbass…

We eventually were able to subdue him enough to get handcuffs on him, but we could only get his hands cuffed in the front after I was able to get a hand on each of his wrists and basically do a push-up on top of him, thus putting all of my substantial weight on him, preventing him from being able to move his arms.

The rest of the story is fairly mundane. He was very cooperative after we were able to get cuffs on him. We took him back to the LP office where we wrote up the paperwork and had a police officer place him under arrest.

HK-47Query: Have you ever had to apprehend a meatbag, meatbag? Detail your involvement to the master before I blast you!

 

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Discussion

62 thoughts on “Customer Service Fails: I Don’t Have Nothin’!

  1. Yes. I used to work in security and have a number of laugh out loud happenings

    This one was hilarious…did he ever say why he chose maroon as opposed to hot pink?

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | February 4, 2014, 9:53 am
  2. I love how your five truths and a lie talked about apprehending a shoplifter and mine talked about being one. :D

    Like

    Posted by lauralord | February 4, 2014, 9:54 am
  3. So… but… oh the questions I have! You know in french the rule about the double negative is the stellar opposite? Its use is imperative, but that’s neither here nor there. What is here and there are the amount of “why’s” popping in my head. Sadly, the story does not say, so I will walk away craving a McDonald’s french fry.

    Like

    Posted by Marie | February 4, 2014, 10:31 am
  4. I wonder what he was going to do with the bra.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | February 4, 2014, 10:34 am
  5. I guess if you’re gonna go out, go out like a maroon-bra shoplifting illiterate boss!

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | February 4, 2014, 10:39 am
  6. What a charming tale. It sounds like a great way to spend a few minutes. But, the real question: did the bra go back onto the floor/rack… was it kept as evidence… was it marked as damaged and put in the clearance section? What happened to it?! It was the victim in this tragedy, of course.

    Like

    Posted by djmatticus | February 4, 2014, 10:50 am
  7. yeah, dealing with the general public is always a lot of fun

    Like

    Posted by icescreammama | February 4, 2014, 12:04 pm
  8. I can’t believe you would willingly work for a store that has no outreach.

    Crazy high old men need moob support too, you know.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | February 4, 2014, 12:55 pm
  9. People and double negatives. Such fun!

    Like

    Posted by bardictale | February 4, 2014, 12:56 pm
  10. My Sis works in Loss Prevention. Wonder if she has any interesting tales to tell…

    Like

    Posted by Sofia Leo | February 4, 2014, 12:58 pm
  11. And I thought being a black, Yankee, lady bouncer at a tequila-slinging bar in Texas was a colorful story. This one’s a trip!

    Like

    Posted by T. D. Davis | February 4, 2014, 1:55 pm
  12. Hey no fair, every place I ever worked had a “hands off” policy. If you caught someone shoplifting you were not to attempt to restrain them or even lay your hand on their shoulder if they continued to walk away. There’s a few customers I would have loved to throw to the floor …

    Like

    Posted by C.K. Hope | February 4, 2014, 2:12 pm
  13. I have not had to apprehend a meatbag….not that I can recall. But I have been almost caught when I shoplifted as a kid.

    Like

    Posted by Deanna Herrmann | February 4, 2014, 2:37 pm
  14. I used to help the security guys at the Tower Records store in Berkeley where I worked in the art department when the shoplifters were really large… and I did stage bouncing for Les Claypool before he started Primus… that was a hoot…

    Like

    Posted by pouringmyartout | February 4, 2014, 4:21 pm
  15. He did it in bra-d daylight did he? Cross my heart I never heard of anything like that. His cup runneth over, I suppose. His undoing, really. The memories will linger-ie.

    Like

    Posted by carrythemessage | February 4, 2014, 5:03 pm
  16. The only thought I’m left with is, “uhhhhh…….a bra??”

    what a strange thing for a man to steal. WHY? The possibilities are endless.

    Like

    Posted by bethteliho | February 4, 2014, 5:51 pm
  17. And to think I’ve been giving you such a hard time for years now. I didn’t realize that I was messing with a force …

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | February 4, 2014, 6:54 pm
  18. Remind me never to steal a bra around you! lol Nope never had to apprehend a douchbag but a few I wanted too!

    Like

    Posted by behindthemaskofabuse | February 4, 2014, 11:09 pm
  19. That must have been an important bra.

    Like

    Posted by dentaleggs | February 5, 2014, 11:30 am
  20. The irony is the customer you left who was (probably) trying to return something they found or stole from someplace else was taking the store for more money that the dork who tried to lift the bra. The jackwagons who try to use Mecca as a pawn shop piss me off more than the shoplifters do. I am glad I have never had to confront either one before (The joys of working overnights when the store is closed)…

    Like

    Posted by evilsquirrel13 | February 5, 2014, 11:37 am
  21. Why in the world would a guy want a bra? A bra – of all things! Most women can’t wait to get them off!

    Like

    Posted by benzeknees | February 5, 2014, 4:51 pm
  22. I wonder if he liked cross-dressing? This is funny. I’ve never had to subdue a meatbag. This thoroughly made me want to try, though. Now I feel like tackling the next douche at a WalMart. Lol

    Like

    Posted by DaydreamsInWonderland | February 7, 2014, 4:20 pm

We don't tolerate scum.

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