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Things I Should Not Be Subjected To

Urination Strenuation

There are a lot of things our bodies do which we loathe and could quite readily do without. Our bodies do things which embarrass us or downright make life miserable. That fart which loudly forces its way out mid-coitus, for instance. Getting diarrhea (woot! I spelled it right on the first try!) on a road trip. The hiccups when, well, doing anything. A belch that escapes mid-sentence. The bladder which fills seemingly seconds after that first sip of coffeh. Sweating so profusely and grotesquely that pit stains form on our shirts. That sneeze which shoots snot through your nostrils like Old Faithful.

You get the idea, right?

Each gender faces its own unique obstacles when it comes to our bodies. I am not qualified to speak on PMS and the like, so I’ll leave that to Jaded or another fabulous female writer. There are many things our bodies do to us men, but there’s only one I wish to discuss today.

Many of my female compatriots will frequently bemoan the fact that their boyfriends, husbands, sons, or brothers simply can’t hit the toilet when they urinate. They are under the impression that it’s as simple as pointing and pissing.

Ladies, hitting the toilet with a stream of urine isn’t as easy as simply pointing the head of our schlongs at the middle of the toilet bowl and relaxing our kegel muscles. As with most things in life, peeing standing up is more difficult than it seems.

Imagine, ladies, that you’re holding a garden hose. Imagine you turn on the faucet. You just assume the water will flow straight out from the end of the hose, amiright? And why would it not? That’s how water always comes out of a hose. But what if it doesn’t? What if the water shot out to the left at a 45 degree angle? Ladies, that occasionally happens to us men. We can line everything up perfectly, yet our other head (you know, the one you accuse us of always thinking with) gets another idea. We are then forced to quickly adjust our aim so that the stream hits the water, creating that melodious sound which we all equate with the relief of emptying our bladders.


This scene from Me, Myself, and Irene is pretty exaggerated, but also pretty damned close to what sometimes happens to us guys when we try to dutifully answer the call of nature.

Many of you ladies may not know what struggles we men face when we wake up to pee in the middle of the night. Did you know, ladies, that men frequently get erections in the middle of the night from holding our bladders nearly to the point of bursting? It’s true. Science says so.

We established earlier that urinating under normal circumstances doesn’t always turn out well. So let’s up the difficulty, shall we? Urinating with an erection is like trying drive without a steering wheel. When Mr. Happy is standing at full attention his agility is negligible. In other words, there’s no way to aim. You have the equivalent of the Washington Monument protruding from your pelvis. You’re reduced to two options when this happens: bend at the waist until the tip of your spear is facing the general direction of the toilet or back the fuck up so the the stream that comes gushing out like it just busted a hole in a dam somehow lands in the commode, and then inch closer and closer as the stream weakens in intensity. Or, as a last resort (and at the risk of angering your significant other), you could simply piss in the shower. You lose no matter what choice you make.

Well why don’t you wait for the erection to go down?

Excellent question, dear Maphia. I’m glad you asked. The answer is quite simple. It’s impossible to do that because the DAMNED ERECTION WON’T SUBSIDE UNTIL YOU EMPTY YOUR BLADDER! It’s bullshit! It’s like your bladder is holding all of that blood in your penis hostage! There are just no good options available to you when you have an erection caused by a full bladder. Plus, you have to deal with this when you’re still half asleep.

So the other night, when this happened to me for the umpteenth time, my annoyance was such that it prompted me to write this scathing piece about male genitalia and full bladders. Peeing is already challenging enough without adding a handicap of epic proportions into the mix. Fuck that noise. And fuck having to pee with a rod as hard as the diamond on my ex-wife’s wedding ring. Maybe I’ll start taking care of business like the dog. I’ll just piss in the back yard.

Audience Participation Time!
What about you, dear Maphia? What does your body do that drives you, um, nuts?


When I took to Google to find a link for the “scientific reasons” behind pee-induced erections, I began typing “erections in the middle of the night” but Google autocompleted that to “erections in the middle east.” Why in the hell are so many people curious about that? My curiosity is almost piqued enough to go through with that search. Almost. But I’m scared.


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99 thoughts on “Urination Strenuation

  1. Re: “erections in the middle east” Google search

    One word: Donkeys

    I am not making this up. Go to Vimeo and do a search on the Iraq War. USAF pilots caught some of this stuph on video.

    You’re welcome.


    Posted by Fearless Leader | February 26, 2014, 8:17 am
  2. I hate #2. It is disgusting and I wish I never had to do that again.


    Posted by merbear74 | February 26, 2014, 8:18 am
  3. Excuses, excuses. ;)


    Posted by LivingDeadGirl | February 26, 2014, 8:27 am
  4. You can be the expert on this one. ;-) The women’s toilet in a public place is nasty. We don’t have an excuse/reason. Looking forward to search terms. And sorry I know nothing about this PMS of which you speak.


    Posted by 1jaded1 | February 26, 2014, 9:10 am
  5. That sounds like a complicated process.


    Posted by MissFourEyes | February 26, 2014, 10:50 am
  6. Wouldn’t a detachable penis be awesome?


    Posted by Eva | February 26, 2014, 10:59 am
  7. You know, I think a lot of you guys don’t even try. You just unzip, let it hang out there, and hope for the best.


    Posted by Katie | February 26, 2014, 11:06 am
  8. Now you’ve got me thinking about a lot of unpleasantness. Thanks, I think.


    Posted by outlawmama | February 26, 2014, 11:22 am
  9. Why have I not tackled this myself on my blog? So true… and yes, post-coital urination is like a random angle generator… at least that’s my dim memory of that problem.


    Posted by BrainRants | February 26, 2014, 11:33 am
  10. From someone that bleeds monthly, I have to say ‘HA! You men deserve something embarrassing!’ – as a human, I say “well, that’s sucky – our bodies are really just around for the humor they bring to others” – as a female/wife/mom – I says ” WIPE DOWN THE DAMN TOILET!” :)


    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | February 26, 2014, 11:35 am
  11. umm… I am torn between just typing ‘TMI’ while I hold my hands over my eyes and scream la la la la la la, and telling a bunch of awesome nasty stories like the time I got diarrhea… (dang it, spelled it wrong)… in a small town in Switzerland right under the freaking Matterhorn… or the time I got so blocked up that I went to the ER and they took an x-ray that showed a coiled up poo in my gut that a giant genie could proudly have worn… I have millions of these…


    Posted by pouringmyartout | February 26, 2014, 11:50 am
  12. I’d take a mid-coitus fart over a mid-cunnilingus or mid-fellatio fart, that’s hard to laugh off.

    PMS: cramps that feel like a baby is trying to come out.


    Posted by dorothyemyers | February 26, 2014, 12:15 pm
  13. Peeing in the back yard to keep the bathroom clean is totally acceptable, provided you don’t do it on the same bush every time (it WILL die, ya know!) and the neighbors don’t see. As for those boner-free times? Why not sit?


    Posted by Sofia Leo | February 26, 2014, 1:09 pm
  14. Very informative. Now I understand why my husband goes outside every morning and why my boys’ bathroom is so gross that I’d prefer to clean it with a hose from the doorway.


    Posted by Steph | February 26, 2014, 1:25 pm
  15. Well then clean up after yourselves if there are such issues!


    Posted by behindthemask | February 26, 2014, 1:51 pm
  16. I asked a guy this question in the 7th grade and he– being firmly friend-zoned and thus having no embarrassment around me at all– explained this in full detail. Just another reason to feel sorry for guys… ;)


    Posted by rarasaur | February 26, 2014, 3:36 pm
  17. Ah yes there is something so romantic about the first morning. Coffee and breakfast together. Then having to clean up the guy’s pee … There is no excuse (for those who leave it).


    Posted by Elyse | February 26, 2014, 8:59 pm
  18. Hahahahaha
    Yeah, no idea why my work server blocked this one. I don’t think it was the specific words.. but, perhaps the frequency with with they were repeated! :-P

    Hilarious post, of course, and good point… it isn’t as easy as it would seem. But, isn’t that true of most things in life.


    Posted by djmatticus | February 27, 2014, 12:17 am
  19. I am not sure what to say. Especially about the Middle East thing.


    Posted by Trent Lewin | February 27, 2014, 5:53 am
  20. I remember a discussion on male urination habits at a former place of work of mine. One female colleague was saying that her other half sat down to pee when he went to the loo in the night, which the rest of her household thought was a bit odd. But it turns out that as one empties one’s bladder, it can cause a drop in blood pressure. Which if you were to pass out because of peeing while standing up, would cause an even greater mess. Also, the reason for men usually needing the loo more than women, unless on a car journey, is due to the shape of the pelvis. Women have a more open pelvis due to needing to have space to put a baby while it gestates, whereas men have a more enclosed pelvis, and with having a penis they also, when sat down, put pressure on the assorted tubes of the body so the pressure is less on the valve that we release when peeing. So normally, women have more space for their bladders, but in a car, the bladder can be squashed by the seatbelt, causing the need to pee more frequently, whereas men have their pelvis protecting their bladders, right until they stand up on getting out of the car, in which case it’s time to stand well out of the way!


    Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 2, 2014, 4:46 pm
  21. If you can’t aim in the middle of the night because you’re sleepy – sit down! That way your partner will not have to sit in ice cold toilet water (with your urine in it probably because you were too sleepy to flush as well) in the middle of the night herself because you were too sleepy to put the seat back down! And if you do miss – clean it up yourself. Just saying . . .


    Posted by benzeknees | March 4, 2014, 3:54 pm
  22. My husband has the longest lasting piss sessions EVER…. They last forever when I am waiting to go myself. And yes there are 2 other toilets in the house but you would think he would be done by the time I got to another one but NO I could walk there…use the bathroom 3 times….before he is finished but I never learn.


    Posted by hastywords | March 6, 2014, 2:35 pm

We don't tolerate scum.

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