There are a lot of things our bodies do which we loathe and could quite readily do without. Our bodies do things which embarrass us or downright make life miserable. That fart which loudly forces its way out mid-coitus, for instance. Getting diarrhea (woot! I spelled it right on the first try!) on a road trip. The hiccups when, well, doing anything. A belch that escapes mid-sentence. The bladder which fills seemingly seconds after that first sip of coffeh. Sweating so profusely and grotesquely that pit stains form on our shirts. That sneeze which shoots snot through your nostrils like Old Faithful.
Each gender faces its own unique obstacles when it comes to our bodies. I am not qualified to speak on PMS and the like, so I’ll leave that to Jaded or another fabulous female writer. There are many things our bodies do to us men, but there’s only one I wish to discuss today.
Many of my female compatriots will frequently bemoan the fact that their boyfriends, husbands, sons, or brothers simply can’t hit the toilet when they urinate. They are under the impression that it’s as simple as pointing and pissing.
Ladies, hitting the toilet with a stream of urine isn’t as easy as simply pointing the head of our schlongs at the middle of the toilet bowl and relaxing our kegel muscles. As with most things in life, peeing standing up is more difficult than it seems.
Imagine, ladies, that you’re holding a garden hose. Imagine you turn on the faucet. You just assume the water will flow straight out from the end of the hose, amiright? And why would it not? That’s how water always comes out of a hose. But what if it doesn’t? What if the water shot out to the left at a 45 degree angle? Ladies, that occasionally happens to us men. We can line everything up perfectly, yet our other head (you know, the one you accuse us of always thinking with) gets another idea. We are then forced to quickly adjust our aim so that the stream hits the water, creating that melodious sound which we all equate with the relief of emptying our bladders.
This scene from Me, Myself, and Irene is pretty exaggerated, but also pretty damned close to what sometimes happens to us guys when we try to dutifully answer the call of nature.
Many of you ladies may not know what struggles we men face when we wake up to pee in the middle of the night. Did you know, ladies, that men frequently get erections in the middle of the night from holding our bladders nearly to the point of bursting? It’s true. Science says so.
We established earlier that urinating under normal circumstances doesn’t always turn out well. So let’s up the difficulty, shall we? Urinating with an erection is like trying drive without a steering wheel. When Mr. Happy is standing at full attention his agility is negligible. In other words, there’s no way to aim. You have the equivalent of the Washington Monument protruding from your pelvis. You’re reduced to two options when this happens: bend at the waist until the tip of your spear is facing the general direction of the toilet or back the fuck up so the the stream that comes gushing out like it just busted a hole in a dam somehow lands in the commode, and then inch closer and closer as the stream weakens in intensity. Or, as a last resort (and at the risk of angering your significant other), you could simply piss in the shower. You lose no matter what choice you make.
Well why don’t you wait for the erection to go down?
Excellent question, dear Maphia. I’m glad you asked. The answer is quite simple. It’s impossible to do that because the DAMNED ERECTION WON’T SUBSIDE UNTIL YOU EMPTY YOUR BLADDER! It’s bullshit! It’s like your bladder is holding all of that blood in your penis hostage! There are just no good options available to you when you have an erection caused by a full bladder. Plus, you have to deal with this when you’re still half asleep.
So the other night, when this happened to me for the umpteenth time, my annoyance was such that it prompted me to write this scathing piece about male genitalia and full bladders. Peeing is already challenging enough without adding a handicap of epic proportions into the mix. Fuck that noise. And fuck having to pee with a rod as hard as the diamond on my ex-wife’s wedding ring. Maybe I’ll start taking care of business like the dog. I’ll just piss in the back yard.
When I took to Google to find a link for the “scientific reasons” behind pee-induced erections, I began typing “erections in the middle of the night” but Google autocompleted that to “erections in the middle east.” Why in the hell are so many people curious about that? My curiosity is almost piqued enough to go through with that search. Almost. But I’m scared.