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FML, Disney Collector

[Stuph Maphia, please welcome back Emily, of The Waiting fame, who is here to release some pent up anger. This is just the perfect place to do that...

Anyhow, please ensure that after you enjoy this heaping of literary goodness Emily has served up that you head on over to her blog and click on the magical follow button. You know you want to. Hell, if I could follow her twice I totally would.]

Twindaddy knows me, y’all. Knows-knows me. (Ugh, not in a biblical sense. Get your minds out of the gutter. You’re going to have to find today’s big blogging scandal elsewhere.) He knows that even though I write about the syruppy sweet moments I encounter daily as the mama of a toddler, I have a dark side. I have a right to bitch, and today I’d like to extend a hearty thank you to my favorite Stormtrooper for giving me the opportunity to let it rip.

When TD first invited me back to Stuphblog, I had a wonderfully righteous rebuttal to the lady who called her toddler an asshole on the Huffington Post. Maybe her words struck a little too close to home – I daily wonder if my own kid is a burgeoning jerk because at the age of two all people are somewhat horrible – and I was good and ready to give her a big ol’ finger wagging for telling us what we all already knew. Maybe I was just jealous that it was her post that went viral and not mine. Apparently, jealousy makes me prudish.

However, that post is going to take a backseat for now because this morning I learned that something far worse than parents calling their kids four letter words exists in this world, and I feel morally obligated to tell you about it. Knowledge is power, and maybe by spreading the word about this crime against humanity I can do my small part in stamping it out.

Facepalm Moment

After breakfast each morning, my husband and I indulge our daughter a little. We let her select a short video to watch on YouTube before we shovel her off to get dressed and brush her teeth against her will. This morning, as toddlers are want to do, she started maniacally clicking on videos in the sidebar to her old standby, Peppa Pig. I haven’t yet decided how I really feel about ol’ Peppa, but for now, I think she’s not horrible, so I was a little confused why C all of a sudden hated her with the fury of a thousand suns. In her maniacal thwomping of videos, she eventually landed on the most inane fifteen minutes of drivel I have yet found on the Internet:

An “unboxing” video of Disney Easter eggs by some gal who calls herself Disney Collector.

You can watch the video yourself, but I don’t recommend it. I have already sacrificed some of my own precious brain cells by viewing it and I wouldn’t want you to do the same. Instead, let me explain what is going on here.

There is apparently a market for videos on YouTube of people doing nothing more than opening boxes and/or containers. They describe their contents for the onlookers of the Internet, often with absolutely no editorial commentary. These videos are wildly popular, many having millions of views.

Think about that for a moment.

Instead of going outside and smelling the flowers, drawing a picture, reading a classic piece of literature, or hell, even watching a better video on YouTube (and yes, “Gangnam Style” qualifies), there are people who spend the precious time they have here on Earth watching videos of people opening up crap on YouTube. And not just interesting crap. I mean, I have wasted a couple hours of my life on Storage Wars marathons because at least there’s an element of drama and surprise when the folks on that show start rummaging through all the stuff they just bought. But in a Disney Collector video, there are no treasures of actual value or provenance to be opened. Nope, all you ever see are plastic pieces of garbage made in China.

Item after item after item.

The video we watched was fifteen minutes long. (I turned it off after five because watching it literally made my entire life flash before my eyes). Fifteen f*#&ing minutes of the Disney Collector opening up plastic Easter eggs emblazoned with children’s characters and filled with toys that are likely sold for 1000% more than they are worth. In a moment of absolute indiscretion, I checked out the video’s comment thread and and facepalmed myself into oblivion when I learned that the people who watch these video are dead serious about them. Where are the trolls when you need them? We need to sic the folks of Anonymous on Disney Collector and her minions.

Am I missing something here? Has our society sunk to such a place that this is what we elect to entertain ourselves with? I could maybe rationalize the popularity of these videos if a chorus line of puppies came out and did the can-can midway through the video.

What amazed me was that when my husband came in the room, all I had to do was say “I think we’ve made it to the end of the Internet and it is a bleak place,” and he immediately replied, “Oh. Are you watching a Disney Collector video.”

WTF. Even he knows about this.

I really don’t get it. At all.

Dear Stuphbloggers, can any of you shed light on why anyone would want to watch this stuff? Is there some kind of unboxing fetish that I am just not aware of? Do these videos help insomniacs fall asleep? Are they used as torture devices in Third World countries? Please tell me there is a point to this that I’m just missing because, seriously, I’m a tad peeved at humanity right now that some schools can’t get funding for arts and music programs but the Disney Collector is going strong.

 

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Discussion

71 thoughts on “FML, Disney Collector

  1. The answer would probably be boredom. Can’t think of any other reason.

    Like

    Posted by bardictale | March 25, 2014, 7:15 am
  2. I have no clue.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | March 25, 2014, 7:21 am
  3. Some people will do anything for their 15 minutes of fame. You just need to look at The Learning Channel (or maybe don’t; save your brain cells and go read aliceatwonderland’s reviews of the shows on there instead) for proof.

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 25, 2014, 7:42 am
  4. My son went through a brief period early in his third year where he enjoyed watching people unbox toy cars and car garages. I watched about 12 seconds before engaging his dad in a lively discussion centered around the word, “Really?” More than a year later, I am no closer to understanding the phenomenon. Not even the tiniest bit.

    Like

    Posted by Deborah the Closet Monster | March 25, 2014, 8:07 am
  5. You are a crack-up! Thank goodness we didn’t have YouTube when my kiddos were itty bitty. It’s bad enough having discovered it now. I’d write something more poignant and mama-y, but What Does the Fox Say just came on and killed a few more brain cells.
    Cheers Emily! Love your writing :-)

    Like

    Posted by MamaMickTerry | March 25, 2014, 8:09 am
    • Thanks! I have had that same thought so many times about YouTube with little kids. While I’m grateful that I’m raising my kid in a time where there really are a lot of quality childrens’ programs (not including Disney Collector videos in that grouping!) that can be accessed on demand on YouTube, it is scary sometimes when I think about how they really do nothing to instill patience in kids. Whereas I grew up during a time when I knew the TV schedules and knew that I’d have to wait for that one half-hour of TV each day, kids now know that anytime is a good time to watch four hours of stuff on YouTube. *Shudders.*

      Like

      Posted by The Waiting | March 25, 2014, 12:04 pm
  6. Reblogged this on The Waiting and commented:

    I’m on Stuphblog today talking about an abomination to humankind. Please join me as I rant.

    Like

    Posted by The Waiting | March 25, 2014, 8:42 am
  7. you got me..

    Like

    Posted by icescreammama | March 25, 2014, 8:45 am
  8. Omg? Why would people do this or watch this?! Thank you Emily for spreading awareness on such a horribly mind-numbing thing. :-)

    I hope you still write the other post too!

    Like

    Posted by Deanna Herrmann | March 25, 2014, 8:46 am
  9. People are really stupid. Intelligence appears to be a fading quality in humans. I can understand the desire to open suprise toy dealies…I loved that shit when I was a kid. But watching someone else do it? Does not sound awesome.

    You’re definitely not wrong.

    Like

    Posted by Quirky Chrissy | March 25, 2014, 8:55 am
  10. It sounds like it might rank with “honey boo boo.” I have not seen either, nor do I intend to. I get insulted by the commercials! Stick with PBS!

    Like

    Posted by praw27 | March 25, 2014, 8:58 am
  11. You are hilarious !!!!! Thank you for the enlightenment! I did not know such crap existed. Seems you may have found a portal to the end of the internet indeed!!!

    Like

    Posted by Jacquie | March 25, 2014, 9:03 am
  12. Millions of views? Is this what I’m doing wrong in blogging? Should I write about random boxes of crap? And hell no I didn’t watch the video, I need what brain cells Barney and Dora didn’t kill off.

    Like

    Posted by C.K. Hope | March 25, 2014, 9:05 am
  13. As she’s already been mentioned, I think Honey Boo-Boo is probably 1000% more entertaining. At least it isn’t videos of people NOT opening boxes.

    Like

    Posted by jmlindy422 | March 25, 2014, 10:08 am
  14. No matter how bad you feel about watching it, you’re not at the bottom of the “sad” chain. Remember – there are still the people that make the videos.

    I have a Mickey Mouse pin of him in a black robe with a lightsaber. That, and a few other trinkets are the extent of my Disney collection.
    Well, and the memories, of course.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | March 25, 2014, 10:11 am
  15. Just RUN!! RUN FAST. It’s funny – our entire Reality is 3D and ALIVE – yet people clamor for 3D TVs and virtual versions of items…like a metronome … we have a real one, an electronic one and my son has one on is tablet – he spent about an HOUR playing with the one on his tablet b/c somehow it being VIRTUAL was more exciting than the ACTUAL REAL 3D ONE HE OWNS. Go freakin’ figure…

    Like

    Posted by Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher | March 25, 2014, 10:14 am
  16. Ah, the age old question – is it better to have collected Disney, than to have never collected at all?
    I don’t know what that means wither.
    Sorry, can’t shed any light on the fascination over these videos. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch a bunch of trailers for movies that aren’t coming out for two years and I probably won’t get to watch for another 2 after that.

    Like

    Posted by djmatticus | March 25, 2014, 10:31 am
  17. I don’t get collectors at all. Have your daughter watch Cosmos on Sundays.

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | March 25, 2014, 11:00 am
  18. I’ll one up you (it’s my blog, after all). Baby C found a video on YouTube where that dude had built an entire Thomas The Train set and had “hidden” these eggs all over the set, then made a stop-action movie of the trains going to rescue the eggs. Once the eggs were “rescued” they were then popped open to reveal the magic inside. My jaw was agape and my mind dumbfounded.

    Like

    Posted by Twindaddy | March 25, 2014, 11:03 am
  19. One of my boys has watched hour upon hour upon hour of people opening up Cars toys. He doesn’t even like Cars anymore. Find Evan on youtube, and you’ll stab your face at the production value, the parenting methods, and question your whole existence.

    Like

    Posted by rollergiraffe | March 25, 2014, 11:06 am
  20. There is no accounting for taste… as one of the guys on M*A*S*H said: there isn’t anything in the Sears and Roebuck catalog that somebody doesn’t think about sleeping with.
    I hope you see how that applies to this post…

    Liked by 1 person

    Posted by pouringmyartout | March 25, 2014, 11:16 am
  21. OK, here I come, the weirdo voice of dissent! Yes, these videos are inane. And mindless and boring and (sometimes) materialistic. But they do help people like me fall asleep. I also play them at work, with the screen minimized and the volume so low I just hear murmuring instead of the actual words. See, I couldn’t care less about the things they’re showing off, but the whispering is really relaxing and less distracting than music.

    I am now accepting questions about my weirdo obsession! Come one, come all…

    Like

    Posted by Jennie Saia | March 25, 2014, 1:35 pm
  22. Oh. My. God. My son has found that same video. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that someone posted that crap or the fact that my son now searches it out. Who wants to watch a strsnge pair of hands opening prize eggs?!? Toddlers, apparently. *shudder*

    Like

    Posted by OutmannedMommy | March 25, 2014, 3:38 pm
  23. My daughters are not burgeoning jerks. Not my perfect little angels! My perfect little angels are…well…perfect. No other way to describe them.

    [I wish I hadn't drank all that cough syrup when I was in high school.]

    Re: the video. Thank you for taking a bullet for the rest of us. Now we can use that time for something more rewarding, like blogging or counting cotton balls. That sort of thing. I’ve never heard of it. Not that I’m above that sort of thing. I’m just not that good at paying attention.

    Like

    Posted by Exile on Pain Street | March 25, 2014, 4:04 pm
  24. I don’t get it either, but until this post, I’d never heard of it. I watched a bit of the video out of curiosity but like you I had to turn it off. It’s the same thing in every egg too… ????

    Like

    Posted by behindthemask | March 25, 2014, 4:53 pm
  25. I discovered this “opening things” thing was a thing (how many times can I use the word “thing” in a sentence? Too many, apparently) a while back when I was investigating these mystery makeup/nailpolish boxes you could get. You’d subscribe, pay like $8 a month, and get a box of full-size makeup products. Different every month. It intrigued me, so I wanted to know what was in them before I subscribed and noticed someone had a YouTube channel dedicated to them. “OK, fine,” I thought.

    It was just her OPENING them. Every month. “Here I am opening the box. The first item is this base. This is a base from MAC. It is in a tan color. The next item in here is a nailpolish. It is by Zoya. It is a pearly blue color.” I think you get the drift.

    MONTHS AND MONTHS OF THIS.

    She didn’t even come back and say what she liked/didn’t like about the things. It was so bizarre.

    I eventually just found a blog where the woman photographed what was inside, which was all I wanted, anyway.

    Sometimes I think about the opening-the-makeup-box woman and die a little inside. I imagine her living for the 20th of every month, prepping her webcam, getting so excited about making her videos, weeping if the mail is late. What will be inside THIS month’s box that she can offer no commentary whatsoever about?

    Like

    Posted by lucysfootball | March 25, 2014, 7:38 pm
  26. Maybe this is a substitute for stripping? You know where the stripper reveals one small piece of flesh at a time? It could be stripping for those people who don’t want to see human bodies? Or maybe it’s a mini-mystery? What’s in the box? If I give you a few clues, can you guess what’s in this box? Or maybe a new game show?

    Like

    Posted by benzeknees | March 25, 2014, 8:05 pm
  27. So I couldn’t help myself. I had to go look at the comments on the video. And oh Lord…the spelling errors. As if the whole concept behind this video didn’t make my head hurt enough, the comments made me want to shut my laptop and go to sleep for a week.

    Like

    Posted by AreYouFinishedYet | March 25, 2014, 9:14 pm
  28. Thank you, one more thing I can check of my Bucket List.

    Like

    Posted by Valentine Logar | March 26, 2014, 1:20 am
  29. Just . . . wait . . . what? Maybe I should just go video tape people at the post office for 15 minutes, reverses the film, and smack it on youtube then. If Disney collector gets a TV show like the Annoying Orange, I give up on the human race.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | March 26, 2014, 11:34 am
  30. I don’t know, I kind of understand a toddler’s fascination with egg- or box- or car- opening. Anyone ever been around a toddler on Christmas morning? As I recall (and it was some time ago for me, admittedly) it goes something like this:

    1. Toddler rips into gift wrap, strewing paper everywhere.
    2. Tears open box, almost ripping doll’s head off in the process.
    3. Looks at doll for 1/2 millisecond.
    4. Frowns and tosses doll aside (you know, the one they BEGGED you for over an 8 months period)
    5. Finds another package to rip into
    6. Repeat.

    For them, it’s not about the gift, it’s about opening the presents!

    As inane as I think this site is, it makes perfect sense that toddlers all over America L.O.V.E. I.T.! ;)

    Like

    Posted by Judah First | March 26, 2014, 11:42 am
  31. Uh, this is sad and kindof disturbing. Why did you show this to me? Why?!

    Like

    Posted by Psychobabble | March 27, 2014, 2:56 pm
  32. So a lady who called her toddler an asshole is worthy of the Huffington Post, but I’m not?
    Sorry, Emily, I blacked out for a moment there…
    By the way, you’re work is as exemplary as ever.
    I love comics but I’m not a fanatic about it.
    If I’m going to devote myself to the pursuit of an unattainable reward, I’d prefer to focus on something worthwhile: Like the First Church of The Waiting perhaps…

    Like

    Posted by The Hook | March 30, 2014, 8:41 am
  33. Funny how I stumbled upon this blog: my 2-5 year old son loves the Cars movies. So sometimes he is allowed to watch a clip on YouTube from the Cars movie (tractor tipping scene). But from that clip the videos from Disney collector are recommended. Ever since he wants to see them all the time! Aaargh the horror! A ‘grown’woman who is playing with her little toys that’s it! My boy watches it for the toys probably(he doesn’t understand a word of her childish babbling, as he is Dutch. Thank god for that, don’t want him to listen to the crap). Even the fingernails (blue with Pluto the dog on it?? Really??) Irritate the he’ll out of me. But every day my Max begs me for these clips, as the toys are so nice he says. What a mother has to sacrifice….I’d think only his views would there, but indeed thousands of other people watch it. WHYYY?? So I just had to Google this Disney collector, what kind of face would fit to those blue kids nails. Then I saw this blog. Apparently I’m not the only one annoyed by the existence of this phenomenon ;-)

    Like

    Posted by myhelterskelter | April 29, 2014, 1:50 pm
  34. I think it’s unintentional ASMR.

    Like

    Posted by Noyes Harrigan | June 1, 2014, 6:59 pm
  35. I fell upon one of her videos looking for a actual Disney collector. After about 10 seconds I didn’t watch anymore. I am back on the search now to try and find something comparable to my own blog I just started recently , but as you explained so far I can’t find one that is more interesting then books and post cards. Sorry about the 15 minutes of egg torture! – Sheila (http://dabblingdisney.blogspot.com/)

    Like

    Posted by Sheila Fritzen | July 8, 2014, 1:42 pm

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