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If I Had Jedi Powers

10 Things I Would Totally Do If I Had Jedi Powers

Have you ever been arguing with someone and just wanted to force-choke that bitch because he or she just wasn’t getting it? Have you ever tried your best to talk someone into doing something and wished the you could just wave your hand and they’d absent-mindedly yield to your demands? Have you ever sat down on the couch and realized the remote is resting at the other end and wished you could just reach out with your hand it would magically levitate right into your outstretched hand?

As I was making the long commute home from work the other day, I become annoyed with the driver in front of me who was peddling his car far too slowly. I sorta have a lead foot. I have a need – a need for speed. I started to think, Man, if I had the force…and that’s when the light bulb in my head lit up. The hamster wheel was spinning with the hamster inside of it! The lights were on and somebody was home! My inner blogger squealed with joy as I had not only come up with a post idea, but an idea that could become a regular feature. I mean, surely after I think of the original list here I’ll come up with more.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd. Star Wars books compose the majority of my book collection. I have an entire wall in my living room dedicated to Star Wars memorabilia. I have four or five copies of “The Trilogy” (I’ve lost count…sigh) sitting atop my bookshelf. I have crafted my offspring into little Star Wars geeks. I dressed up as both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker for Halloween as a child. I used to turn the lights off in the basement and wave a flashlight around as if it were a lightsaber. My online persona is a stormtrooper. You get the point, I think. Doing this kind of post regularly fits into my need to induce laughter and satisfies my inner Star Wars geek.

So, here, without further ado (ado you hear what I hear?), is my inaugural list of 10 things I’d totally do if I had Jedi powers.

  1. I’d use the Force to manipulate the air flow while I’m changing one of Baby C’s diapers. My child is adorably cute, but his shit is incredibly rank.

    My nose hairs just ignited! The horror!

  2. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick to get my children to clean their rooms. I mean, I can get them to do it now, but not without yelling and having to go in there multiple times to point out the things they missed. And threaten bodily harm. Lots of threats are involved.

    You WILL clean your room. *waves hand*

  3. I’d use the Force to increase my metabolism. No explanation needed there, I think.
  4. I would quit showing up for work. Instead, I would sleep in every day and do all the other things I don’t get to do while working. I would then submit a time sheet for 40 hours and then use the Jedi Mind Trick on my boss to convince him I did work all the hours I turned in.

    These aren’t the excuses you’re looking for.

  5. I’d drive 100mph everywhere and use the Jedi Mind Trick on every cop who pulled me over to get out of the ticket.
  6. When some asshole cuts me off I’d use the Force to turn his/her steering wheel so that his/her car immediately went flying off the road.
  7. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on the editor’s at WordPress so that every one of my posts is Freshly Pressed. Even this piece of crap.
  8. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on an entire orchestra to get them to follow me around everywhere I go while playing the Imperial March. Everyone needs their own theme song.
  9. I’d go to a baseball game and use the force to keep moving the ball around just to fuck with all the players.
  10. I would Force leap from half-court and stick a monster dunk, shaming Michael Jordan’s paltry effort from the foul line.

    Oh, you can dunk from the foul-line, huh? That’s cute.

That’s all my Jedi fun for this episode! Tune in next time to see what other inane things my brain will concoct for me to do if I somehow acquire Jedi powers.

HK-47
Query: What nefarious crimes would you commit if you had Jedi abilities, meatbag? Answer the master or I shall blast you where you sit!

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Discussion

147 thoughts on “10 Things I Would Totally Do If I Had Jedi Powers

  1. TD, I think I may be in love. It’s a weird tingly feeling that comes from deep inside, and frankly, it’s kind of disturbing. It’s a bit like seeing Star Wars for the first-time in some ratty UK cinema with a bunch of British twats (myself included), and having your mind blown so utterly that you just had to come back the next day and do it all again. To me, that’s love. Pure precious geek love.

    If I had Jedi powers, there is only one thing I would do. I would make sure that hack JJ Abrams doesn’t screw up Episode VII. I would make sure that movie is utter perfection.

    Like

    Posted by Trent Lewin | March 31, 2014, 8:48 am
  2. I’d use Jedi mindtricks to force an agent to accept my novel for publishing and to get my kids to turn their volume down a decibel or two, and to listen to me, and to do what they’re told and to stop telling me I stink! Ha ha :-)

    Like

    Posted by Lydia Devadason | March 31, 2014, 8:50 am
  3. Having an orchestra following you around playing the Imperial March would be pretty badass. I just got stared at by strangers again this weekend when I did the Jedi force wave thingy at the automatic doors at the grocery store, people can be so judgemental. I’d use the force fling the carts of shoppers, who think gathering together in the middle of an aisle to talk about their weekend and glare at you like you’re a thoughtless rude jacknut when you politely say excuse me, through the ceiling. And then I’d force choke them, the people-not the carts. :D

    Like

    Posted by C.K. Hope | March 31, 2014, 8:53 am
  4. I’d use the Force to make sure that people I don’t want to speak to suddenly remember they have to be somewhere else when they see me coming.

    Like

    Posted by faithhopechocolate | March 31, 2014, 9:04 am
  5. Imperial March theme song wherever I go. Especially at the grocery store. Also, I would use my Jedi mind trickery on every member of congress.

    Like

    Posted by Eva | March 31, 2014, 9:09 am
  6. i would sleep in until whenever i wanted every day of the week except Fridays, when i’d use Jedi mindtricks to make my teachers believe i was in class everyday the whole week and make the attendance office “correct” all my absences in the computer. :D oh, and i’d have to Jedi mindtrick my mom a little, too—so she wouldn’t flip when she saw / heard how i was playing hookey (on the computer + attendance office calls home), and so she believed she had already taken me to school AND picked me up. :D

    Like

    Posted by misstrie | March 31, 2014, 9:24 am
  7. Bahahaha! Move the ball around during a baseball game. I think I would actually watch baseball if that were the case.

    Like

    Posted by Shannon | March 31, 2014, 9:36 am
  8. I’d trade some of the force powers for the ability to teleport.

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | March 31, 2014, 9:38 am
  9. I like them all, especially the work one. Also the one about moving the ball around to fuck with the players. I would move stuff around EVERYWHERE to fuck with EVERYONE. Awesome.

    Like

    Posted by aliceatwonderland | March 31, 2014, 9:50 am
  10. My favorite is the one with the orchestra following you around playing your theme song. I love it!

    Like

    Posted by cynkingfeeling | March 31, 2014, 10:34 am
  11. Definitely use it to clear traffic. Slow drivers for no good reason are the worst.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | March 31, 2014, 11:38 am
  12. wait… you don’t have Jedi powers???

    Like

    Posted by pouringmyartout | March 31, 2014, 11:54 am
  13. What crime would I commit? What crime would I commit if I had Jedi powers… hmm… Crime just doesn’t come to my mind! I would eat all the potato chips and drink all the beer and not a flick of blubber would settle on my belly? But that is not even a crime, and it’s just so lame! I would use my powers to revenge the hate from the chicks who give me the stink eye for no reason and make them fall flat on their face when a lot of people happen to be looking at them? Lame. Again, just lame.

    Like

    Posted by Marie | March 31, 2014, 12:16 pm
  14. I would use it on world leaders to play chess instead of killing people.
    I would use the force to take stuff from shelves.
    I would use it on taxi drivers to make them think I had already paid them

    Like

    Posted by Al | March 31, 2014, 12:19 pm
  15. I would levitate the poop people leave behind after their dog does their business so that it hits them squarely in the back, rubbing it in so they will learn to pick up their crap instead of leaving it lying around for me to step in.

    Like

    Posted by Sofia Leo | March 31, 2014, 12:56 pm
  16. i would like the metabolism increase please. perfect for never-ending ice c ream!

    Like

    Posted by icescreammama | March 31, 2014, 1:15 pm
  17. I’d say something about getting a date, but I don’t think even Jedi power would help there. I guess I’d just use my bitchen light saber skills to hack idiots I encounter to smoking, little bits.

    Like

    Posted by BrainRants | March 31, 2014, 1:28 pm
  18. #8 is, by far, my favorite. I am pledging to spend the rest of my Monday picturing the Orchestra marching behind you!!

    Like

    Posted by Polysyllabic Profundities | March 31, 2014, 2:25 pm
  19. I would have thought you would forget about work altogether and use your Jedi powers to win the lottery! Something tells me that you like Star Wars…

    Like

    Posted by behindthemask | March 31, 2014, 4:45 pm
  20. OMG we are soul mates. As if I had any doubt the Imperial March was the clincher. That shit ought to play EVERY time I enter a room. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    Like

    Posted by stephrogers | March 31, 2014, 5:02 pm
  21. I would absolutely use the Jedi Mind trick to have my kids clean up their rooms without screaming and threats! That would be absolutely awesome!

    It’s been awhile since I’ve visited, but I’m glad I came by today. This one had me laughing out loud. Thanks so much for the laugh!

    Like

    Posted by theforgottenwife | March 31, 2014, 9:03 pm
  22. I would use the Jedi mindtrick to make all the boys I like fall in love with me and then when I am sick of them – make them forget about me and not turn into needy stalkers.

    Like

    Posted by Daile | March 31, 2014, 9:26 pm
  23. Although #3 is probably the most practical, and what I need. #8 is AWESOME! I’d just walk into parties, and it wouldn’t matter if I was invited because the Imperial March is playing.

    Like

    Posted by Andrew | March 31, 2014, 9:52 pm
  24. I’d probably end up using my mind powers on silly things, like shutting doors, and lifting couches to see if I left anything under them, etc. :) I like your list! :D

    Like

    Posted by rarasaur | March 31, 2014, 11:53 pm
  25. Awesome inaugural list. I especially like number one at this point in my life. :-)

    Like

    Posted by Deanna Herrmann | April 1, 2014, 7:44 am
  26. Blaster!

    Like

    Posted by bardictale | April 2, 2014, 5:52 am
  27. I love yours, they are quite good. I have only two, one I could say in public:

    I would use the Jedi mind trick to clean my entire house to the spotless level, done.

    The other, no I can’t ever admit to this in mixed company.

    Like

    Posted by Valentine Logar | April 6, 2014, 3:51 pm
  28. I would use the mind trick to get my hubby to see what I’m talking about when we disagree! I would also use the power of “Shut Up” to seal my hubby’s lips closed when he is talking way too much! After all, I don’t want to hurt him by squeezing his neck or something (like in the movies), I just want him to stop talking.

    Like

    Posted by benzeknees | April 9, 2014, 2:49 pm

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