[Editor's Note: I am very pleased and humbled to welcome a very talented author to the ranks of our guest bloggers here, Maphia. Helena Hann-Basquiat is an insanely talented writer whose prose reek of elegance and hilarity, as you are about to find out. I know you'll enjoy this every bit as much as I did.]
I walked in on Penny doing something I’ll bet she wishes I hadn’t seen. But still, we all do it, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. There comes a time in everyone’s life when you just need to experiment, to see what your body can do, to learn what you’re capable of, and if you do indeed have mental powers.
Yes, darlings, the Countess Penelope of Arcadia (small little moisture farming community just east of Mos Eisley) was trying to use The Force to move her glass of wine to her hand. When I opened the door, she tried to act all cool, as if she were just stretching to reach it, but I caught her with her eyes closed, breathing calmly and legs crossed in a zen-like yoga fashion, hand outstretched and trembling slightly.
“What are you doing?” I asked with a knowing grin.
“Nothing,” Penny said, clumsily knocking over her wine glass. “Oh, now look what you’ve made me do. Dammit, Helena, that’s alcohol abuse!”
“Gee, I’m sorry, Darth Penelopecus. Looks like you maybe should have stayed in Dagobah and finished your training instead of running off to the Cloud City to try to rescue your friends.”
“Hey, you know what? Maybe that explains it,” Penny suggested.
“Bear with me, Helena,” Penny began.
“I always do, darling.”
“Kayso, if you could have Jedi powers, what would you do with them?”
“I already told you, darling – I don’t like those movies. And I especially don’t like the new episodes. I’d really rather not talk about it.”
Penny gave me a look that told me that we were going to talk about it.
“Fine,” I sighed in resignation. “Well, as far as Jedi powers go, I mean, you have to give me some guidelines. I mean, are we talking the original trilogy – the ability to move things with my mind if I concentrate enough, or are we talking the ridiculously powerful abilities of the Jedi from the prequels. In those movies, Yoda bounces around like a three year old on a sugar bender, and the Jedi practically fly. But in the original three, Luke Skywalker – supposedly a very powerful Jedi – at best leaps out of the carbon freezing chamber. Now either George Lucas was just drunk on the power of new filming technology and just completely lost his mind, or else…”
“Or else we can only come to the conclusion that in the final analysis, Luke Skywalker was the worst Jedi the universe has ever seen. And why would that be?”
“I’m sure you are going to tell me,” I said, trying to keep a straight face.
“Because he didn’t finish his training!” Penny cried, and pointed to the door. “Now, if you please? I’m trying to concentrate.”
“Okay,” I said with a sly smile, “but I still say you’d have more luck trying to something-else-ate.”
“Wow,” the Countess replied. “Sounds like someone really needs-a-date.”
“I do,” I sighed. “I really do.”
I stood in the doorway for a moment, thinking.
“What are you still doing here?” Penny asked snarkily.
“Well, don’t you want your answer? What I’d do with Jedi powers?”
“Nope,” she replied, and waved her hand at me slowly. “You will bring me more wine now.”
“No,” I said, turning off her lights and leaving her in the dark and walking away. “No, I don’t think I will.”
“Helena!” She called after me. “Helena, turn the lights back on! I’m in the dark here!
“Hey, don’t be too proud of your technological terror, Helena! The ability to turn of the lights is insignificant compared to the power of The Force!”
I just laughed diabolically as I continued to walk away. I may not be a Jedi, but I’m the master of the mind trick. Weak-minded fools, beware.
See? I told you she was talented! Here’s the part where I tell you to go follow Helena’s blog, because all the cool bloggers are doing it. Seriously. Helena writes traditional blog posts in addition to dazzling fiction. I promise you won’t be disappointed. If, however, you are, I offer you a full refund on your subscription fee to this here weblog.
Helena is also a published author! You can find her work at the links below, and I highly encourage you to do so.
Memoirs of a Dilettante Vol 1
Under pen name Jessica B. Bell
The Best Medicine
Under pen name Jessica B. Bell