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25 Days 25 Songs

25 Days, 25 Songs: Day 18

25 songs 25 days

Day 18 - A song that you love but rarely listen to

My first marriage was a sham. I was emotionally blackmailed into a relationship I wanted no part of with threats, and attempts, of suicide and other forms of self-harm. I was young, ignorant of all the other ways I could have dealt with that situation, and buried beneath a mountain of guilt because someone would rather die than live without me.

One thing I loathe to do is pretend. One of my pet-peeves is fake people. People who front. People who act in a manner contrary to their true self. Yet I found myself in this very position for almost 9 years, pretending to love a woman I could barely stand just so she wouldn’t swallow another bottle of pills or carve up her leg again with a razor blade. My wedding day felt like self-torture. Like I was willingly dipping my hand into molten rock. Like I was going to prison for a crime I did not commit. I wanted nothing more than to run from that church screaming, and to leave skid marks in the parking lot from where I gunned the accelerator in my car and slammed the transmission into gear.

There wear many songs played that day at both the church and the reception hall, but only one has the distinction of being the first song to which my wife and I danced.

This song is both a reminder of my biggest mistake and my most rewarding sin. It was a mistake to knowingly enter a loveless marriage. It was a sin to promise in front of God, friends, and family to love and cherish her ’til death do us part when no such love existed. Despite it all I took my vow seriously and stayed in that mockery of a marriage as long as I could without a full-blown mental breakdown.

It was from the ashes of my seared nuptials that two of the greatest gifts ever bestowed to me were born. Literally. Mere months after entering a make-believe marriage my wife gave birth to a beautiful set of twin boys, finally making me a believer in “love at first sight.” For those two boys I would marry their mother a thousand times. I would make those same mistakes and suffer that same abuse over and over to ensure I ended up with them in my life. I have been given no greater joy than raising those boys for the past 14 and a half years.

Despite, or because of, the bittersweetness of this song, I have trouble listening to it because it represents a love I did not, and never will, feel. It reminds me that, though I had good intentions, I let another human being control me, manipulate me, and abuse me for almost a decade. This is a beautiful song and no song so exquisite should bring back such painful memories.

Audience Participation Time!

What song brings you painful memories?

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Discussion

71 thoughts on “25 Days, 25 Songs: Day 18

  1. Confession Time: Looking at your profile picture… I would have never imagined a storm trooper being a George Strait kind of man.

    Like

    Posted by Melanie Jo Moore | May 18, 2014, 7:23 am
  2. It is through the valley of death
    the paths to heaven lies…………

    Like

    Posted by ksfinblog | May 18, 2014, 7:55 am
  3. Almost anything sung by Garth Brooks.

    Like

    Posted by merbear74 | May 18, 2014, 7:55 am
  4. I could have been reading my own story, it doesn’t help to say I feel you but nonetheless I do. I stayed longer yet if I had to, I would have stayed even longer still for the gift of my two spectacular ‘sons’ (step-sons who are mine by all but blood). From so many terrible choices come wonderful gifts.

    Like

    Posted by Valentine Logar | May 18, 2014, 8:15 am
  5. “Can’t fight the Feeling” by REO SPEEDWAGON. No comment on why.. Just can’t listen to it. Too much tied to that stupid song.

    Like

    Posted by Chantel | May 18, 2014, 8:15 am
  6. Oh and I loathe fake people just as you described. But I think sometimes we are put in positions in life when we are to become what we despise to find that we all are human and capable of being what we most hate. Then we maybe can find the compassion for others and forgiveness once we have grown from our own experiences with it. I know now fake people still suck for sure but… I’m less inclined to get as frustrated cause I reason in my mind with how I once had to go that road to survive.

    Like

    Posted by Chantel | May 18, 2014, 8:23 am
  7. I’m stumped on this one. Going to have to think on it while I work.

    Like

    Posted by Not Quite Alice | May 18, 2014, 8:48 am
  8. You are such a good guy, and a good dad. Bravo.

    Like

    Posted by Elyse | May 18, 2014, 8:55 am
  9. I think it works as a parent -to-child(ren) love song.

    P.S. Could George Strait be any more awesome?

    Like

    Posted by Hippie Cahier | May 18, 2014, 8:57 am
  10. I agree with Hippie Cahier. Unconditional love is only possible between a parent and child. This song represents that.

    I’m glad you were able to get out of a manipulative situation. Something prevented me from saying those vows for the 10 years he abused me. Who knows what would have happened if I said them.

    The Lady in Red is my “Ick” song. Never liked it before and hated it after.

    You are a phenomenal dad.

    Like

    Posted by 1jaded1 | May 18, 2014, 10:03 am
  11. As for the song, I’m sorry. : ( Ditto on not the not so genuine folk. I was just telling my brother a couple weeks ago, that I’m not a good actress and I’m unable to pretend, even when it comes to blood. I share your sentiments on this one. The kind of manipulation you endured is of the insidious kind and there are no words, but you do have your sweeties. : )

    Like

    Posted by Pocahontas | May 18, 2014, 12:16 pm
  12. Marriage? What’s that? hahaha

    Like

    Posted by Pocahontas | May 18, 2014, 12:57 pm
  13. Yeah well, refuse to take the bate and be given away. Nonsense.

    Like

    Posted by Pocahontas | May 18, 2014, 1:31 pm
  14. I feel your pain. My ordeal began the day after I said “I do” and his true colors came flying out. There should be an written rule that one does not pick their favorite song for the 1st dance. What a fabulous way to kill a great song!

    Like

    Posted by Marie | May 18, 2014, 1:41 pm
  15. Truly bitter sweet. We both like country music what’s happening here?!

    Like

    Posted by behindthemask | May 18, 2014, 4:41 pm
  16. This is so sad. It is a beautiful song and such a pity about the negative associations although you do say it is bittersweet. Given that your two boys are the saving grace in what otherwise was a horrific situation, perhaps the time may come when you can play it and think only of them. I am so sorry that you had to experience what I know, from situations within my own extended family, are heart breaking years of manipulation and abuse. No one deserves it.x

    Like

    Posted by scottishmomus | May 19, 2014, 10:14 am
  17. I can’t make you love me – Bonnie Raitt. Tears, every time.

    Like

    Posted by nancytex2013 | May 19, 2014, 11:39 am

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: 25 Songs, 25 Days (Day 18) A Song I Love but Rarely Listen To | seeking life - May 18, 2014

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